She has agreed to serve as co-moderator here and will help enforce the standard of family friendly jokes and on topic posts. Thanks Harley and we request the co-operation of those posting.

Happy to help :o)

Three cheers for harley!!

To anyone who has ever gotten a speeding ticket!







A woman was driving down the road yesterday (5 miles over the speed
limit). She passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun
on the other side, lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to
the car, and, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked, "What's your hurry?"

She replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?"

"A rectum stretcher."

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four. Then with my whole hand in, I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly,
but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he
asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00

Court Costs: $45.00

The Look on the Cop's Face: PRICELESS

Haha..good one Prisha!!

removed link

Stievie, leaving that link is a VERY bad idea. you've had better ones.

Its a newspaper cutting that someone sent a link to me via email. whats wrong?? its a natinal uk paper and even goes overseas

click on the link

ooooooops i just looked again, i guess you were on about the site url that was put ontop of the picture at the bottom.
Thanks for pointing that out

oh bum, was a funny story too :o(

that's ok, I've beed had like that too. it's a good example of what can go wrong with clicking :)

good job the mods didnt pick up on it LOL

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it's worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in -- and then the trouble started.....

Stevie, I went on that link, read that story and saw nothing wrong. So you weren't the only one who missed whatever it was!

There was a web addy written at the bottom and was a pervy site :o(

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,
actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that
they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE
HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

You polled panda for that answer!

Its wrong, at the end, she definately wouldnt say sorry LOL

no, it's a typical day in my life...I would say sorry, but probably wouldn't mean it : )

Police in Edwardsville, Ill., charged David Wroten, 20, with fraud in September after, they say, he took out membership in an online dating service by paying with a check drawn on the county jail, where he had been held earlier this year for theft. Wroten, like all inmates, had been issued a check for the cash he had on him when he was booked, and he allegedly copied the check form. Police were confident Wroten was their man because, naturally, he had posted a photograph of himself on the dating service site.

[Belleville News-Democrat, 9-30-04]

21 top one liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy .. I'd have had
nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.  I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"  He
said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said.."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Well, that's the trouble idn't it ?
I don't believe anything Rodney says unless Rodney says it :P

With Christmas now coming closer each day I'm sending you this little story..........
Moose
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

ok He died

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me
Elmo factory. The personnel manager
explains her duties, and tells her to report
to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock
at the personnel manager's door. The
assembly line foreman comes in and starts
ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the
whole line is backing up. The foreman
takes the personnel manager down to the
factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all
over the place. At the end of the line is the
new employee. She has a roll of the
material used for the Elmos and a big bag
of marbles. They both watch as she cuts
a little piece of fabric, wraps it around
two marbles, and starts sewing the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing
hysterically. After several minutes he
pulls himself together, walks over to the
woman, and says "I'm sorry, I guess you
misunderstood me yesterday. Your job
is to give Elmo two test tickles."

He died - And he still 'don't get no respect!' :Þ

Computer Blessing



Blessings on this fine machine,
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they're put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,
Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk Full shall be nor more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.

do you know that there is less then 5 weeks until the event

event ?

True it sure is sneaking up fast!!

Shhhh!! I know why you posted that at the jokes board - is because its a joke that anyone will be ready!!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!

How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb???
None -- if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me!

Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed!
Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!"

Definition of Irish Diplomacy;
The Art of telling a man to go to hell, so that he actually looks forward to the
trip.

What's another name for Irish sunblock...?
A pub.

Carpe Nocturnum:
'We get more done after 2 a.m. then most people do all day'

Sign posted at an Artist Cooperative shop:
WARNING! Unattended children may be eaten by starving artists!

How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

" I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures "

Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body.

A child's version of Easter: easter is when they crucified jesus, and put him
in a cave. three days later he rose again on easter sunday. when he came out
of the cave, he got scared by his shadow, went back in, and they had 3 more
months of winter!

The Mighty God Thor was riding across the skies on his fiery steed Pegasus. He
raised his hammer and bellowed, "I'M THOR! I'M THOR!" Pegasus looked up at
him and muttered, "You thoulda wore your thaddle, thilly."

Here's something just for fun ... something to make you laugh when you don't
feel like laughing. By the way .... I'm not taking responsibility for anyone
crazy enough to do some of these things!

Suggestions for Handling Stress

1. Jam 39 marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says, "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Forget Jenny Craig and send yourself chocolates.
7. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school like
nothing was wrong.
10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling your tax forms with Roman numerals.
11. Tattoo :Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Tape pictures of your boss/least favorite professor on watermelons and
launch them from high places.
13. Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear on all the natives.
14. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
15. Buy a subscription to Penthouse or High Times and send it to your boss's
work address.
16. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
17. Drive to work in reverse.
18. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The Flintstones"
during an important finance meeting.
19. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
20. Refresh yourself; put your tongue on a cold steel guard rail.
21. Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it out.
22. Polish your car with ear wax.
23. Read the dictionary upside-down and look for secret messages.
24. Start a nasty rumor and see if you can recognize it when it comes back to
you.
25. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
26. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
27. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
28. Lie on you back eating celery using your navel as a salt dipper.
29. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
30. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Ohhhhhhh too funny!! I like number 30 and 27 and 24 and 21.. heck I like them all!! LOL

... Oh? Was there a joke ?

Aww did it go over you head? I'll explain in a PM if you like.

      "Spare me!"

Great as humor, bad as ads...

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.


-------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------

event being Christmas

Nice consumer advertising for nice car! Hear the lovely music!

This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"

A Wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company.

One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle
exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

"SOME TIMES BULLCRAP AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME."

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas. I unwind by drinking myself silly while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging may work with your folks, but that doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting bullied at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa

LOL@Brian!

I hope this link works: Picture

hehehee.. Cute..

A man was driving past a beautiful old monastery when his car broke down.
He walked up the long drive and knocked on the door. A Monk answered,
listened to the man's story, then graciously invited him to spend the
night.

The Monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep.

He slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful
sound.

Next morning, as the Monks were repairing his car, he asked about the
sound that had awakened him.

"We're sorry," the Monks replied. "We cannot tell you about the sound.
You are not a Monk."

Disappointed, the man thanked them for their hospitality and went on
his way.
For years he pondered about the source of the alluring sound.

Finally one day he went by the monastery, explained to the Monks that
he had so enjoyed his previous stay that he wondered if he might be
permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The Monks obliged,
and once again the man was awakened by the strange beautiful sound.
The following morning the man begged the Monks to explain the sound,
and they gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We cannot
tell you about the sound. You are not a Monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give
up everything and become a Monk, for that was the only way he could learn
what he wanted to know about the sound. He informed the Monks of his
decision and began the long arduous task of becoming a Monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally a true member of the order.
When the celebrating ended, he went humbly to the leader of the order and
asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old Monk led the new Monk to a huge wooden door. He
opened the door with a golden key. The door swung open to reveal a second
door of silver, then a third door of gold, and so on until they had passed
through twelve doors....each more magnificent than the last. The new Monk's face was
awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the
beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.
/

\

/

\

/

\

/

But....I cannot tell you what it was. You are not a Monk

Good one, Harley ! Next time make the story 2x longer ! LOL

That was a good one and a bad one, Harley LOL