A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows them a picture, then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses!"

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.

Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC ?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Buddhist explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has
been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character.
Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers,
numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
Who cares ? It doesn't really matter if they're on
the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to
straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably
see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation:
Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor,
who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood,
then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church's approach to characters:
The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the
light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins.
Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,
such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."

Dave Barry's explanation:
The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're
made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable,
while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when
they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them ??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING ???
Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig !!!!

I'm glad you know who Maxine is skip LOL

I like Mavine's way and maybe Martha will do all the washing and cooking at Alderson "Camp Cupcake"

Martha's Way  
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way  
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet  up eating it, anyway! 
Martha's Way  
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way  
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. 
Martha's Way   
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake
Maxine's Way  
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you. 
Martha's Way   
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine's Way  
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!" 
 Martha's Way  
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way  
Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha's Way  
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way  
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
Martha's Way  
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way  
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
Martha's Way  
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way  
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Martha's Way  
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 
Maxine's Way  
Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!.

Is my Geoge Carlin Joke a fake, SOLUS?

A panda bear walks into a restaurant.
The waiter seats the panda bear and gives him a menu. The panda bear
orders a ton of food and then sits back happy. Later, the waiter comes over and brings him his bill.
The panda bear gets up and shoots the waiter with a gun.
As he's leaving the restaurant, the manager comes running after him and says, "I treated you well, fed you well, why did you shoot my waiter?
The panda bear says,
" Didn't you know that's what panda bears do?
The manager is dumbfounded and says "What are you talking about?"
The panda bear says,
" Go look up in an encyclopedia what panda bears do."
The manager gets an encyclopedia and looks up 'panda bears'. It says: Lives in Asia...eats shoots and leaves.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her

Read what the REAL George Carlin has to say about notoriously false e-mails and posts going around on the Internet...

          "Don't Blame Me"

* Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
* If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman
around to hear him...is he still wrong?
* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered
a hostage situation?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean
them?
* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
* Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
* Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
* If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't
the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
* Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

A frog in red trunks, sitting in the gras near the lake, mumbles, "I'm God - I'm God ..."
A stallion passing shakes his head in disbelief, but bites his tongue and goes his way ...
Next day and the following ones the same - the frog sitting there, "I'm God I'm God ..."
The stallion decides he must know the reason for that strange behaviour and closes up,

"Hey Frog - you are not God !"

"I'm God I'm God."

"Argh !! Now listen carefully - see, you are a definitely frog, god not - you are green,
have long leapy legs, a big quackmouth, you're better going to face it, you are a FROG."

"Hey Stallion, come a bit closer yet."

The frog stretches his pants a bit to grant a short glance, upon which the stallion exclaims,

"Oh my GOD !!!"

I guess that makes me not a Puggo nor a Deeli -- yay -- Viva La Perception ! :D

correct.

bankrupt: he is playing monopoly

No credit cards or tow trucks not in this game. There is a battleship,boot, thimble and cannon as well as some other things.....

If he had money he would have called a tow truck and not pushed the car himself .

Bankrupt...His credit cards were declined when he tried to check in...LOL

If his insurance wasn't up to date he might have been!

*
How to be a good Democrat:

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders
how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more
of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and
North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical,
documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression, and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony
activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem
is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the
Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important
to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E.Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are
racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and really a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked
anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail,
but a liar and sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag,
transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected,
and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the
Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

21. You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

Lake: more or less correct. Pour a known quantity of a measurable concentrated substance in. Measure results at later date.
Hotel: Keep on trying..(if he owned it he most definately would not have been bankrupt)

How To Be A Good Republican
By: Ann Richards (former Democratic Governor of Texas)

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was
due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's
gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those
privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs,
but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with
lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe ... everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and
hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death
penalty.

9. You have to believe society is colorblind and growing up black in America
doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few
Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company,
corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus
shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with
providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and
failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher

So that's why he wants to know the volume of the lake: to put out the motel fire :)

He most probably went to the lake, where he drank the whiskey!

Motel: the guy was the motel owner and when he got there he found out the place had gone up in flames?
(sorry for bringing this back but I didn't notice the answer to this one yet ;))

lake: you measure the salt concentration of the lake. Pour a few bags of salt in the lake and stirr it well, so the salt concentration is more or less the same in all the lake. Measure the salinity again. From the concentation and knowing the volume of salt you poured in the lake, the approximate volume of the lake should become obvious.
But who cares about how much water there is in the lake anyway? ;)

If computers have no doors or fences, who needs Windows and Gates?

dont waste the whiskey by mixing it. Take it neat and the lake will sort itself out :)

My method would be to take a large glass mix it with a good wiskey and after a bottle who would care lol

get a pump that shoots X amount of gallons out per min, then measure the amount dropped on the shoreline..

Then sit back and have some coffee on the deck over looking it.. and say.. what the Hell.. does it really matter how much water is in it? LOL

I have no clue!! LOL

spelling?!?!?!?!
'fid' is meant to be 'find'

The lake problem.
There is a large and irregularly shaped lake on your property. It is of varriable and unknown depth. There are no rivers or streams entering or leaving the lake. How would you fid the volume of water in the lake?

you may believe a resident alien sharing his advanced basics: some debates
have never stopped actually, any result just a genuine imitation, still almost
exactly the difference same as it ever was, catastrophical, but not serious ... ~*~

sorry guys, didnt mean to start such a debate. In truth i can see perfectly well what APolaris is saying, but since 'i am lying' can be taken to many different ways i'll have to stick with the original answer.

men say that the first thing they notice about a woman
are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they
notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars ... ~*~

and then don't try, the anchor wells, whilst sense moves like a butterfly ... ~*~

If you say "I'm lying" and you ARE lying then you are telling the truth about lying.

I must agree with thepanda, His puzzles were based on reality. In reality NO ONE lies about everything. EVERYONE will tell the truth sometimes. Now would you believe anyone that said they were totally honest in everything they said? I wouldn't.

Therefore, it would be up to the chief to decide if they were or were not lying in this statement.


sooo...are we getting caried away with this? LOL

In other words, you can't admit to lying because then you'd be saying that, as you said the statement, you were lying... meaning you were NOT telling the truth.

But if you say "I am lying," and are telling the truth, then you are not telling the truth because you are lying, but also telling the truth. If when you say "I am lying" you are lying, then you are telling the truth but also lying. So when you say randomly "I am lying" you cannot possibly be telling the truth OR lying because you are doing the other. So you are doing neither.

"My Dixie Wrecked" z:)

 (Best said aloud to oneself for full enhancement)

The wording of the Q is if the statement is true then.....
It is possible to admit to lying, therefore making the 'i am lying' statement true, resulting in the long fall.

The statement "I am lying" is not a matter of belief. If the chief "thought" she was telling the truth (the statement would be true), she'd be lying.

not all paradoxical statements work. For example the i am lying statement.
If the Chief believed she was lying then she would be thrown over the cliff. If the Chief believed that she was telling the truth, then off to the lions with her.

For the first one: any paradoxical statement will do, or any statement that would be paradoxical based on the two punishments for truth or falsity. ("I am lying." or "You will feed me to the lions." would both do).

broken down. A man pushing his car stopped outside a motel. The instant he got there he knew he was bankrupt. Whats going on?

correct.

The reply was " your going to feed me to the lions"