The Usurper: I didn't know what true happiness was till I got married....then it was too late.

gooner: This is a board for jokes, not reality. LOL

Once upon a time there was a man who asked a woman to marry him, she said no and the man lived happily ever after.

http://www.bayshirts.com/Innocent.htm
http://www.teezz.co.uk/images/humour/karma-dogma-132-tn.gif
http://www.borderdogs.com/funnytshirts.jpg
http://www.ixtreme.com/pictures/fullsize/thumbs/bombtechnicianThumb.jpg
http://www.ixtreme.com/pictures/random.asp?pictureid=479&title=funny%20pictures
( this one comes with a discount if you buy 12 )
http://www.hotoffthepressonline.com/wizbrain.jpg
how it all started:
http://modernfreaktshirts.com/ChoicesPics/adamandeve04.gif

http://www.bayshirts.com/Girlsrevil.htm

he he he there is much truth in humour eh Maxxina...nice one

Maxxina: ROFL!!!!! I had to print that one out!

its sad to said that . But girls are evil :)

There is a proof

http://img461.imageshack.us/img461/3894/girlsareevil0vx.gif

(running away very fast) :D

Maxxina: Now that is a mighty steed indeed! lol

knights from the old time must adapt to new age .

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/1015/medievalbike8nt.jpg

nobleheart: Hello Stranger!

http://www.samstoybox.com/toypics/jokebooks/jbj01.jpg

amandalove: lol

When you are sad........I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the idiot that mad you sad.

When you are scared........I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried........I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.

When you are confused........I will use little words to explain it to your =$*&&#^s.

When you are lost........I will answer my cell phone and give you directions.

When you are sick........I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.

When you fall.......I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.



This is my oath I pledge till the end.
Why? You may ask.
Because you're my friend

<A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final
> > plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
> > $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000
> > milestone money.
> > As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover.
> > It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
> > nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
> >
> > A) the condor;
> > B) the buzzard;
> > C) the cuckoo; or
> > D) the vulture?"
> > The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly
> > on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience
> > Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and
the
> > woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because
the
> > only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the
> > contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the
> > question and the four choices.
> > The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The
> > cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
> > considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer
except
> > the one that her friend had given her.
> > And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the
> > logical thing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with
> > such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but
be
> > persuaded.
> >
> > "I need an answer," said Regis.
> >
> > Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
> >
> > "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
> >
> > "Yes, that is my final answer."
> >
> > Two seconds la ter, Regis ! said, "I regret to inform you that the
answer
> > is ............ absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
> >
> > Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends
> > including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
> >
> > "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
> > "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a
> > millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness
> > with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your
> > choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
> >
> > "Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that
> > cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.

A little old lady answered

a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young

man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a

couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest

in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"

and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed

it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least

seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure

from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned

good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Sarah1980: I triple checked my e-mail! nothing in there! Must be a glitch with yahoo or something! lol

Sarah1980 LOL

Sarah1980: That was a good one

Sarah1980: ROFL!!!!

ANGELS

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent
the angel to Earth. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on

Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and
sent him to earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true The
earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being
good, because he wanted to encourage them...give them a little
something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?




Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either.

Eriisa:ROFL now thats funny

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Floyd Krieger: I don't know whether you are a native English speaker or not (you are not flying a flag) but speling allso nedes sum intelegince.

You may be suffering from an irony deficiency. Perhaps you should abandon the jokes board and try somewhere else.

Floyd Krieger: Perhaps you'll see the humor of it when you no longer need to use the cane?

Sarah1980: What's funny is...I had a neighbor that actually DID groom her lawn with scissors.

Floyd Krieger: why, yes it is, very funny!

Love that every time I hear it, Sarah!

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Summertop: I hadn't thought of that, but yeah you're right. :)

Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Walter Montego: I'm calling my local beer distributor right now! Interstingly enough I applied for a job there three weeks ago when my company went out of business. :) I do believe in the product.

Summertop: Actually if you bought $1000 of Nortel stock a year ago from today, it would be worth about $1005.48

I don't think they were selling Enron or Worldcom stock a year ago, which case you would have lost no money.

.... if you want to get technical and ignore the fact that this is the joke board.

Summertop: You got me thinking. If instead you bought keg beer instead of cans you might do better in the recycling market. Going price for a keg of domestic is around $75, plus you have to put a deposit on the kegs of about $20. $1000 will get you 13 kegs and $25 change back. After drinking all the beer you can get $260 for retunring the kegs. I realize for an initial investment of $1235 a return of $260 is only slightly better than your very good advice, but you can further increase the yield by having some friends come over and kick in some money for a few beers. Now you can party with your friends, drink a lot of beer, and maybe even turn a profit! :)

Summertop: Hear! Hear! And it goes quite well with my current job.

Sitting on the porch drinking cold beer with the neighbors.

If you bought $1000 of Nortel stock a year ago, it would now be worth $49.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.

With WorldCom,you would have less than $5 left.

Now, if you bought $1,000 worth of Beer over the past year, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.

Based on these figures, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program.

I call it my 401Keg

nobleheart: I am.

amandalove: I have some clever,mathematicial & physics limmericks I could not post here if anyone is interested

Drunk Cowboy

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're
only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The
usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you
don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and
in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to
move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas
Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then
asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving
a muscle, Sam replied,

"... the balcony..."

prettymama: ALWAYS LIKED THAT!!!!!!!

A woman in her forties was at home happily jumping on her
bed and
squealing with delight.
Her
husband watched her for a while and said, "Do you have
any idea
how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't
care. I
just
came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the
breasts of
an
18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 46 year old
ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPI
NG MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________


HAPPINES
S

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVI
TY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________


PROPENS
ITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________


DISCUSS
ION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED



Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH

AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.

http://www.goducky.com/