Excellent Chicken Recipe (I wonder if it would work for a Turkey? If so, this is quite timely.)


When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not
dried out.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn
(ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
______________________________

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking
pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies
across the room, it is done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook!

Would you like my baked bean recipe?

LMAO, Is if different if you use movie theater flavor???

How can you tell if your Neighbors Have been bad ?

You see Santa sitting on top of there chimney with his pants down

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

and sees the shrub all happily jumping around.

"What's up George ?"

"Awwww, Boss - look I solved this puzzle in record time !!"

"How long did it take you ?"

"3 months !! And see the case says *3-4 years* !"

hot water in a red cup

LOL! Good ones!

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his thing off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

There oughta be a law against bad jokes...

LMAO

Common Pregnacy Questions

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

no first one was better

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, " . ... everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test.You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.
The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: tower, elastic cord, insurance, etc...
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy replies, "No, the cord was fine....
What the heck is a
pinata?"

EXCELLENT!

OOPS! EXCELLENT!

Reindeer

Here's some refreshing news!!

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer
drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually later November to Mid
December. Female reindeer however, retain their antlers till after
giving birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudoloph to Blitzen had to be
a girl.

We should have known. Only a woman, while pregnant, would be able to
drag a fat man in a red velvet suit around the world in one night and not get
lost.

Christmas has been cancelled
and its all your fault
because you told Santa
you had been good this year

And he died laughing!

Now you know everything!!!!
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as
substitute for blood
plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7
times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty
years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's
gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a
mustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by
eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in
first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead
skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung
cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on
earth:Marlboro,Coca Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not
downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept
at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne
particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my
toothbrush in the living room
now.)
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president
whose name contains all the letters from the word
"criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Now you know everything there is to know.

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "In the State of Michigan there will be 10 to 11 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. To allow the snow plough to gain access you must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK." and moves his car.

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 15 to 17 inches
of snow today in Michigan and a snow emergency has been declared. To allow the snow plough to gain access, you must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK." and moves his car.

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "In Michigan there will be 20 to 22 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."

ha ha ha!!!!! lmao!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.  Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated. The perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) Answer:



The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. **** Men keep scrolling.



So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. ****Men Keep scrolling



By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credi! t card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be
using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a
July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke
your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics."

They wanted to have a baby, but try as the would, no baby.
After many test were run at the doctors office, one more was needed.
"Ole", said the doctor, "I want you to take this cup home, and bring me back a specimen".
"You betcha Doc." said Ole.
Two days the couple returned to the doctors office. But there wasn't anything in the cup.
"Doc" says Ole, "I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right. Lena here, She tried it with her left hand, she tried it with her right. Jeeze, Doc, she even tried it with her teeth in, she tried it with 'em out." sighed Ole. "We just couldn't get the cap off that little jar you gave us."

Number system: SSN + 9 digit zip code. It's happening as we speak. By the way that would be 18 numbers- 3 sets of 6 maybe? Right hand or forehead? 666- The mark of the beast. I won't have to play that game though. Will you?

A swede, who looked like Bing Crosby should go to USA.
In the bus to the airport the driver was so excited: "Welcome mr Crosby" he said,

The swede answered: I'm not Bing Crosby, I'm Nils Nilsson from Sweden!

The man came to the airport at the check-in... the same scenario: "Welcome Mr Crosby, nice to meet you"

"Im NOT Bing Crosby, I'm Nils Nilsson from Sweden!
Same on the plane, the steward : "Welcome on board Mr Crosby"

"I'm NOT Bing Crosby, I'm Nils Nilsson from Sweden!!!!

Finally the man came to his hotel in NYC, and at the reception desk:
"Oh Very welcome Mr Crosby we are honored to have you as our guest"

The swede was very frustrated now "IM NOT BING CROSBY, I'M NILS NILSSON FROM SWEDEN!!!

Finally he came to his room and when he entered he saw a naked girl on the bed:
"Mmmmmmmm Mr Crosby, welcome , let me take care of you"

"I'M, I'M, I'M, I'M DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Jul!

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000
TEXAS EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of
TEXAS.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands.
The TEXAS EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It
reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson
superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

ÿ
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TEXAS EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the TEXAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:
ÿ
Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen........ .....calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer


We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy
of the TEXAS EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.

ÿ

I hope this helps all y'all!
ÿ
Billy Bob Gates

A man was putting shingles on the second storey roof of his house when he slipped. As he was falling, he cried out to God: "Help me, please!". Just as he cleared the edge of the roof, his beltloop caught a nail. He climbed back up and said, "Nevermind God, I caught a nail."

Three men were sky-diving one day and they were pretty scared. Their instructor advised them if anything should go wrong to call out to Buddha. They were to say "Oh Buddha, oh Buddha" and they would be saved. Well, the first two jumped and landed safely on the ground. The third man jumped and pulled his rip cord. The parachute didn't open! He called out to Buddha: "Oh Buddha, oh buddha!" At once, a hand came down and caught him. "Thank God," he said and he was dropped...

Christmas Cookies

Here is how to make my favorite Christmas Cookie:

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila



Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung
By the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
A foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12
Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10
Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns
They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.
They all looked around,
And then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus
On the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know
They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns
and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
In venison steak.
Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name:
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
And Sam and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer
It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish
A Merry Christmas to you!

That was good Chris

Here's another one: A blonde and a brunette are skydiving (I don't know why I like sky-diving jokes so much). When they reach the correct altitude, they jump. The blonde jumps first and pulls her rip cord (surprisingly enough) and the chute opens. Then the brunette jumps and pulls her cord. Her chute doesn't open. She flies past the blonde who is floating gracefully back to earth. The blonde sees her and gets angry. She says "Oh, so you want to race, huh?" and she throws off her parachute...

ugh LOL

<Happy Holidays!!
>
> Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
> trip...but
> there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee
> elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was
> beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
>
> Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed
> Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
> of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out;
> heaven knows where to... More Stress!
>
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the
> toy
> bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa
> went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he
went
> to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was
> nothing
> to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into
> hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
> broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
>
> Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
> opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
> tree.
>
> The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"
>
> And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the
> Christmas tree

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.

Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he

could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the

speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked

him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is

made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

"No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"

"All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.We

don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store

and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".

Very good :-D

That sounds very similar to our house! LOL

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass
of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a**.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off
his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A husband and wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

LOL Just like a man.
Probably should have listened more to his wife

Now you done it skip lol

All I want for Christmas is...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Now, her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.
'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained and handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?'

The little girl, whose name was Kitty, said, 'It's wonderful, mother...just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong!'
'What's that?' her mother asked.
'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and a cute little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!'

Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty....when you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.'

Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws!

When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see!'

'Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey.

So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. And when she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten.

She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic.

Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!'

'Of course it has,' her mother grinned.
'But how did you know?' Kitty demanded.
Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh, Kitty, everybody knows....that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!'

Why the angel is on top of the tree

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit...

This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.

And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

Did you know that 83% of all stats are made up! WOW!

It's been said: Statistics never lie but liars often do statistics.

<Dear Friends: It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in March, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. > I usually get home from fishing and hunting about the same time that she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker game club or Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of the odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Susan is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills on her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little rest breaks. I tell her to fix a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way that I support Susan on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed, Bob

Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 26th.Susan was acquitted Monday, April 28th.

Elyce

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!