They wanted to have a baby, but try as the would, no baby.
After many test were run at the doctors office, one more was needed.
"Ole", said the doctor, "I want you to take this cup home, and bring me back a specimen".
"You betcha Doc." said Ole.
Two days the couple returned to the doctors office. But there wasn't anything in the cup.
"Doc" says Ole, "I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right. Lena here, She tried it with her left hand, she tried it with her right. Jeeze, Doc, she even tried it with her teeth in, she tried it with 'em out." sighed Ole. "We just couldn't get the cap off that little jar you gave us."

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln
Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you
calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high
blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,
sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credi! t card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out
getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be
using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a
July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke
your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.  Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated. The perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) Answer:



The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. **** Men keep scrolling.



So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. ****Men Keep scrolling



By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen

ha ha ha!!!!! lmao!

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "In the State of Michigan there will be 10 to 11 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. To allow the snow plough to gain access you must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK." and moves his car.

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 15 to 17 inches
of snow today in Michigan and a snow emergency has been declared. To allow the snow plough to gain access, you must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK." and moves his car.

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "In Michigan there will be 20 to 22 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."

Now you know everything!!!!
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as
substitute for blood
plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7
times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty
years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's
gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a
mustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by
eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in
first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead
skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung
cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on
earth:Marlboro,Coca Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not
downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept
at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne
particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my
toothbrush in the living room
now.)
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president
whose name contains all the letters from the word
"criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Now you know everything there is to know.

Christmas has been cancelled
and its all your fault
because you told Santa
you had been good this year

And he died laughing!

Reindeer

Here's some refreshing news!!

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer
drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually later November to Mid
December. Female reindeer however, retain their antlers till after
giving birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudoloph to Blitzen had to be
a girl.

We should have known. Only a woman, while pregnant, would be able to
drag a fat man in a red velvet suit around the world in one night and not get
lost.

OOPS! EXCELLENT!

EXCELLENT!

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.
The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: tower, elastic cord, insurance, etc...
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy replies, "No, the cord was fine....
What the heck is a
pinata?"

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, " . ... everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test.You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

no first one was better

Common Pregnacy Questions

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

LMAO

There oughta be a law against bad jokes...

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his thing off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

LOL! Good ones!

hot water in a red cup

and sees the shrub all happily jumping around.

"What's up George ?"

"Awwww, Boss - look I solved this puzzle in record time !!"

"How long did it take you ?"

"3 months !! And see the case says *3-4 years* !"

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

How can you tell if your Neighbors Have been bad ?

You see Santa sitting on top of there chimney with his pants down

LMAO, Is if different if you use movie theater flavor???

Excellent Chicken Recipe (I wonder if it would work for a Turkey? If so, this is quite timely.)


When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who
just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not
dried out.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn
(ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
______________________________

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking
pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies
across the room, it is done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook!

Would you like my baked bean recipe?

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

'Can you smell carrots?'


lol! the simple ones are the best!!

nice one!!! :-) lol

Excellent LOL

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

                370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service ... the list got longer and longer. Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moshe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down...

LOL

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get s***y ideas from.

The Cuisine Mysteries of jasniepanicz.

Hot potatoes spread with a curdled milk – polish name “Ziemniaki Bryzgane”

Today, I have the pleasure of offering you an old ukrainian recipe, which has been very popular in eastern regions of Poland until present times.

Ingredients (for one ukrainian farmer or a standard family):

• 2 kgs of yellow potatoes
• 1 l. (or more) of , 4 days old, curdled milk
• one share of ordinary toothpaste
• a glass of water (not too cold)
• salt and pepper according to individual taste

Recipe:

Please, boil 2 kgs of yellow potatoes (put a teaspoon of salt into a boiling water and wait until potatoes are soft –around 20 minutes).

Then, go to the bathroom and clean your teeth with ordinary toothpaste (please, use a glass of, not too cold, water to leave your mouth clean). Warning: If you don’t posses your own teeth you should take out the prothesis to leave your mouth empty !!!.

Now, please, put the potatoes in a wooden bowl. Then pour a full glass of curdled milk to your clean mouth and spread it out firmly on yellow potatoes (the amount of curdled milk depends of your individual taste, only). The milk shouldn’t cover potatoes to avoid a souplike consistency

The cunsumption of plums and other fresh fruits not recommended for up to 24 hours following this dish.

Bon apetit!

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl...
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

rofl...yep, we sure are! :-)

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game.
At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians
buy only a single ticket.
"How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket? " asks an
American. "Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian. They all board the train.
The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom
and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please. " The door opens
just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it
and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip
and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket? " asks one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see, " answers a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and
the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train
leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the
bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says,
"Ticket,please. "
SMART FOLKS, US CANADIANS eh?

LMAO

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled
down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their 60th wedding
anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they
hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had
carved "I love you, Sally."



On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored
car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't
know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the
money, and it's $50,000.



The husband says, "We've got to give it back."



She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.



The next day, 2 FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me,
but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car
yesterday?"



She says, "No."



The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."



She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."



But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says,
"Tell us the story from the beginning."



The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday..."



The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here...

ROFL

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the
following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Why does Prince Charles not use bookmarks?

Because he is used to bending over pages! ;)

ROFLMAO

<A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad

> attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
> rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the
> bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music
> and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
> Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
> back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
> John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
> freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
> suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
> Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
> The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
> believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely
> remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
> everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
> John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
> ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
> continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

what does Oscar Myer and Michale Jackson have in common

They both have a history ov putting 45 year old meat into 12 Year old Buns

Because I'm a man,
when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long
after hypothermia has set in.
----------------

Because I'm a man,
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the
engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us
will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We
will then drink beer.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do,
so for you this isn't a problem.
-----------------------------------------------
Because I'm a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or
bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For
all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances,
expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a
euphemism.
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Because I'm a man,
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart,
despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair
person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If
the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it
(although one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
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Because I'm a man,
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and
ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the
hell could he know where we're going?
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Because I'm a man,
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always
either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man,
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or
talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And
don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man,
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying
at the end of it, I didn't.
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Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five
minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or
without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now?
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Because I'm a man,
and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the
housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the
Male

An Australian dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible man throughout life and even the devil wanted to punish him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. "Love my kingdom!" laughs the devil.
After a couple of days the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he looks at the Aussie happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"
The Aussie, smiling big, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of January in Australia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Aussies remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Aussie is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Aussie replies, "This is great! Just like April in Darwin. It reminds me of working out in the fields with spring planting!"
The devil is now completely baffled. Angry, and desperate to make hell really hell, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Australian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is aghast at what he sees. The Aussie is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Aussie throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Wallabies won the World Cup!!!"

if you'd ask me to call you an ambulance?

I ain't yelling.If I post a joke that's already been posted I chalk it up to Old timers sometimes referred to as Alzheimers.

Just that twice I got debated or yelled at about something I was doing onthese discusions wrong

who's on the jokes site can't be entirely bad. hehehe!