A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.
He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the
whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples
it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again,
"Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so
I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes
a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and
locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes,
"Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

Due to widespread panic about the Y2K bug, Internet News
has obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with the one person most
to blame for the situation.

Internet News:
We have as our guest today the man whose birthday is the cause of the
Y2K predicament, Jesus Christ. What do you have to say for yourself, Jesus?

Jesus Christ:
First, let me say that I was terribly flattered to have my
birthday turned into the starting date for your calendar.

IN:
But isn't it true that your birthday was already being celebrated
on December 25th? How is it that our calendar dates from your
birthday but January 1st was chosen?

JC:
Oh, just a fluke, really. Neither date is correct. It always
struck me as funny that, December 25th or January 1st, you choose to
celebrate it in the middle of winter. I mean, the shepherds weren't
exactly "keeping watch over their flocks by night" in the
open fields during winter, were they?

IN:
No, I guess they weren't. So, when exactly were you born?

JC: December 28th.

IN: But...

JC:
Just kidding. If I told you when I was really born, you would
just make another holiday out of it and I think that two
birthdays a year are more than enough.

IN:
But it will be 2,000 years from the year you were born, right?

JC:
That's another thing. There is no year "0" partly because the
ancients had no concept of it mathematic-ally but mostly because
of all the arguments about whether it would be 0 AD or 0 BC.
It became sort of a Y-zero-K situation, so they decided to
skip it altogether. One year after 1 BC became 1 AD.

IN: So, year 2000 will actually be your 1,999th birthday.

JC:
Well, not exactly. The monk who came up with your calendar used
a calculation process called Pentiumnus Calculus to get the
starting date. It was close but 5 years off so my human nature
is going to be 2,005 years old in the year 2000.

IN:
So I guess the whole Y2K problem isn't your fault after all since
you were actually born in 5 BC?

JC: 6 BC. Remember to skip year "0".

IN:
Ah, yes, sorry. Happy belated birthday, by the way.
So, what's in store for the world when the big Y2K hits?

JC:
I'm sorry, but I'm not supposed to talk about that. My Father
made me promise not to divulge any future events.

IN:
Do you think the monk foresaw that we would invent computers
just in time for the year 2000 to be a problem?

JC:
Perhaps you should interview him. Go easy on him, though. If he had
done his calculations right, you'd all be...oops. Almost let that slip.

IN: So, umm, I understand you have a book to plug.

JC:
Actually, the Bible has been out for quite a while. I won't ask
people to go out and buy a copy since pretty much everyone has one.

IN: And this is Internet News, signing off.

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come
from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous
prayer meeting,
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord, and how good He is... and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was
sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
''For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!!''
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone
started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked
my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been
a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a ''sunny beach''... I saw another guy waving in
a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage son what that meant, he said that it
was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've
never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing... why even
HE was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the
people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got
out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time
to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got
through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we
had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as
I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill Clinton
all had a spelling contest, which one would win ?

Dan Quayle.
He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the
Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled
dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly
mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other
side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran
to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him
what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this
road, armed to the teeth when I came across this
heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him
right in the eye and shouted,
'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Merry Christmas :)

Dear Mr. Blix,

Welcome to Iraq ! It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors
to visit my humble nation once again. My people are overjoyed to
assist the totally neutral and gloriously impotent UN in serving
their American Masters. I realize that many of you would much
rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently ineffective
do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values
on behalf of Western oil companies.

Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the
business of concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to
the stone ages of 1991, I thought I’d help reorient you to
the ways of magical Baghdad with a few *Dos" and *Don'ts*.

DO:
Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and
worthless Western baubles. Nothing ingratiates us more to
intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty, lobster-red warmongers then
when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third World "savages".
We will remember these tokens as we dance on your bleached bones.
I joke !

DO:
Ignore my playful peoples penchant for recreational HAZMAT suit use.
Moreover, ignore the glowing, three-tailed rats that are
indigenous to Baghdad. While you're at it, ignore the totally
desolate warehouse full of rotting canisters at the corner
of Saddam Is Great Avenue and Drown In Blood Yankee Dogs Boulevard.

DO:
Feel free to enter any building, factory, or hospital you desire.
And while you're busy violating my paranoid and fragile egos
sovereignty, feel free to double-check the bedpans of the dying,
gut the teddy bears of orphans, and pour into the dirt any and
all bottles of weapons grade baby formula you might uncover.

DON'T:
Forget your high-tech Weapons of Mass Destruction Poking Sticks
or Nintendo Gameboys at the hotel. We know that without these useless,
aesthetic "tools" you cannot unearth the make-believe stores
of plutonium I don’t have hidden underneath my opulent
Presidential Palaces that my people willed me to build for my
own noble pleasures.

DON'T:
Ignore the cultural relativism we know you studied in your
Liberal Arts Colleges. We humble Iraqis have a far different culture
than the advanced West. Whereas you respect the differences
between languages, cultures and value systems, I want to kill.
Kill you, your family, friends, grammar school teachers,
the Israelis, whole bunches of Saudis and just for good measure,
my new yet treacherous-looking barber Adnan.

DON'T:
Mock our cherished Iraqi way of life. While you might think
it barbaric and backward, our seemingly brutal governmental system
is based on sound fascistic principles that have helped keep
the majority of Arabs in splendid desolate squalor for decades.

I truly hope your stay here is a positive experience.
I pray that those of you I do not like do not accidentally
get caught in the crossfire of the invasion you are busy inventing !

In Me I Trust,
Saddam

"You should name your company Microsoft!"

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees
President Bush and Colin Powell sitting together.
He introduces himself and asks President Bush,
"How goes the War effort, Sir?"

President Bush answers, "We're getting ready
to kill 40 million Iraqi's and one blonde."

The guy asks in astonishment,
"Why are you killing one blonde?"

President Bush turns to Colin Powell and says,
"See, I told you people wouldn't care about the Iraqi's."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass
of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a**.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off
his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

hot water in a red cup

and sees the shrub all happily jumping around.

"What's up George ?"

"Awwww, Boss - look I solved this puzzle in record time !!"

"How long did it take you ?"

"3 months !! And see the case says *3-4 years* !"

if you'd ask me to call you an ambulance?

who's on the jokes site can't be entirely bad. hehehe!

only positive comments on jokes please or, group-solidarity of silence. all jokes are old.

was definitely won. since the kicker must have been a mutant,
now plan b - plastic surgeon of jackson plus the kangooroo
well trained as goalkeeper until the next cup - will prevail. :-)

heehee heeheehee!

Work Genesis

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying,
''It is a crock of s****, and it stinketh.''

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.''
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
''It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.''
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.''
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,
''It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.''
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.''
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
''This new plan will actively promote the growth and
vigor of the company, with powerful effects.''

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.
This is how S**** Happens.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were
met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said,
"you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells.

" Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."