Dear Mr. Blix,

Welcome to Iraq ! It is so good of you and your Weapons Inspectors
to visit my humble nation once again. My people are overjoyed to
assist the totally neutral and gloriously impotent UN in serving
their American Masters. I realize that many of you would much
rather be touring the Third World for some magnificently ineffective
do-nothing NGO, but alas you are here compromising your values
on behalf of Western oil companies.

Before you wipe the blood from your hands and get down to the
business of concocting reasons for the US to bomb us back to
the stone ages of 1991, I thought I’d help reorient you to
the ways of magical Baghdad with a few *Dos" and *Don'ts*.

DO:
Slavishly patronize Baghdad locals with chocolate bars and
worthless Western baubles. Nothing ingratiates us more to
intrusive throngs of chubby, sweaty, lobster-red warmongers then
when they pass out meaningless tchotkes to us Third World "savages".
We will remember these tokens as we dance on your bleached bones.
I joke !

DO:
Ignore my playful peoples penchant for recreational HAZMAT suit use.
Moreover, ignore the glowing, three-tailed rats that are
indigenous to Baghdad. While you're at it, ignore the totally
desolate warehouse full of rotting canisters at the corner
of Saddam Is Great Avenue and Drown In Blood Yankee Dogs Boulevard.

DO:
Feel free to enter any building, factory, or hospital you desire.
And while you're busy violating my paranoid and fragile egos
sovereignty, feel free to double-check the bedpans of the dying,
gut the teddy bears of orphans, and pour into the dirt any and
all bottles of weapons grade baby formula you might uncover.

DON'T:
Forget your high-tech Weapons of Mass Destruction Poking Sticks
or Nintendo Gameboys at the hotel. We know that without these useless,
aesthetic "tools" you cannot unearth the make-believe stores
of plutonium I don’t have hidden underneath my opulent
Presidential Palaces that my people willed me to build for my
own noble pleasures.

DON'T:
Ignore the cultural relativism we know you studied in your
Liberal Arts Colleges. We humble Iraqis have a far different culture
than the advanced West. Whereas you respect the differences
between languages, cultures and value systems, I want to kill.
Kill you, your family, friends, grammar school teachers,
the Israelis, whole bunches of Saudis and just for good measure,
my new yet treacherous-looking barber Adnan.

DON'T:
Mock our cherished Iraqi way of life. While you might think
it barbaric and backward, our seemingly brutal governmental system
is based on sound fascistic principles that have helped keep
the majority of Arabs in splendid desolate squalor for decades.

I truly hope your stay here is a positive experience.
I pray that those of you I do not like do not accidentally
get caught in the crossfire of the invasion you are busy inventing !

In Me I Trust,
Saddam