Various posts deleted for obvious reasons, others to keep the thread tidy. Please dont re-post etc. Cheers.

Cranky Franky: well i don't sit on public ones either, unless i lay tissue on their first haha

Bry: Our hero!!

ScarletRose: lol !!! I dont know what you mean???

Bry: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's GravyMan!

bumble: LOL - Zante Boy....

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats
and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

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BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

England's West Country is known for its charming cottage- like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting- looking books. So she went inside.

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"

"No, just browsing," said my friend.

"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone's home."

A marketing guy was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this. .

Which shaving cream do you use?

The gent answered, Baba's, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, Baba's...

Which aftershave do you use?

Which deodorant do you use?

Which toothpaste do you use?

Which shampoo do you use?

Which soap do you use?

Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,

"Ok, tell me, What is this 'Baba'? Is it an international or foreign company?"

The guy replies. . . .

"No, he's my room-mate!"

What is Homer's favourite type of nut?
A d'oh! nut

What's the Simpson family's favourite soap opera?
Homer And Away

If Springfield's Chief of Police was a Red Indian, where would he live?
In a Wiggum-wam

Why did Homer cross the road?
"Mmmm… chicken!"

Why did Bart push Springfield's famous clown down a hill?
He wanted to make a Krusty roll

What goes 'Ha ha… ouch'?
Nelson Muntz throwing away the boomerang he has just pinched

Why wouldn't Homer put butter on his toast while his wife was away?
He preferred it with Marge

If Homer was a dog, what breed would he be?
A D'oh! berman (Doberman)

Why is Bart like a professional golfer?
He's always playing a round

If the Simpsons were standing in a line, with the cleverest on the left, where would you find the dummy of the family?
In Maggie's mouth

Why does Mr Burns employ a giant gardener?
Because he owns a massive plant

What has eight fingers, lives at the bottom of the ocean and loves heavy metal?
An Ottopus

What do you get if you cross Otto with Spider-Man?
Whatever it is, it'll drive schoolkids up the wall

How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One frog and 37 light bulbs, slippery hands, ya know.

Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.

What's green and jumps?
A frog!! (groan!)

What's green and red?
A very mad frog.

What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox!

What's green with bumps?
A frog with the measles!

What's black and white and green?
A frog sitting on a newspaper.

What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog?
Hop in!

What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied!

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad!

What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it!

How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
Unhoppy.

Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
He liked a good croak and dagger.

What's green green green green green?
a frog rolling down a hill

What is a frogs favorite time?
Leap Year!

Why did the frog go to the mall?
Because he wanted to go hopping.

I was walking down the alley one day and I saw a frog kicking a can.
I asked him what he was doing.
He said, "I'm moving!"

harley: ROFL!!!!

why do I think of these as bumble jokes??

harley:

Loved these!!!

Eriisa: Cheek! Mine are a better class of awful!

What do you do with a wombat?

You play wom with it.

Truth in humor

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided
to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he told his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought that
would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and they
deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Subject: the mower


The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, and the wife kept hinting to
her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank
in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband
arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments.

When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish
cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

Signs that your cat is hanging around with the wrong crowd:

One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.

Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives."

You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again."

Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him.

You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet.

Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW."

You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been selling d**** in the neighborhood.

After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.

What did the spud lover do before it went to bed?

It set its alarm for eight - so it would get a potato clock.

bumble: Duh! It took me a while to get that!

bumble:duhhhhhhhhh I still havent got it?

ClayNashvilleTn: Say it aloud, V E R Y slowly!!

pgt:

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

Harley, here's one more. It was my favorite when I was like nine:

What's red and green and goes two hundred miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

Thad:DANG, I am 61 and I just made it my favorite!

pgt: ok, I sound like a 78RPM record set to 33 1/3 and I still don't get it. Is it our American accent?

Eriisa: "so it would get a potato clock"
Saying it slowly :- So it wood get up at 8 o'clock" Is that any clearer. LOL

no i still don't get it either! and im english lol

Thad, check this out...Frog in a blender

In a physics course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, the students were required to read the week's experiment before coming to class...

At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see how many of his pupils had actually done so.

"What are the two types of light?" he asked.

The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Three! Bud, Coors and Miller!"

It was Valentine's Day and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense!", said the judge. "How early were you shopping?"

"Before the store opened", countered the prisoner.

Summertop:Dang that was "BAD" But funny as all get out!

ClayNashvilleTn, if you liked that one, you should see the Gerbil in the Microwave.

Summertop:Dang I hope non of the animal rights lovers see it.

if you do a search on "gerbil" and "Microwave" on google, you should be able to find it.

Summertop: www.joecartoon.com has gerbil in microwave.. frog in blender.. too funny! Oh and several more.. even one for you fishermen!! LOL

How To Clean Your Toilet

Instructions on how to clean your toilet




1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add one-eighth cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet And the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,

The Dog

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

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Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

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If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

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It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

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It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

ClayNashvilleTn:

I loved the cleaning your toilet joke and I could possibly get away with it since my cat has been declawed.

Everyone has seen those Motivational posters at one time or another. Here are some Demotivational posters...Increasing Success By Lowering Expectations

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make
sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

They named this board right, it's one big joke! Feh!

gekrompen hoofd: yes, there are many good jokes on here. I'm glad you enjoy it.

Spare me your bee-jerks!
Do I smell a trump?

gekrompen hoofd: Are you insulting everyone who posts to this board saying the whole thing is a big joke? Or am I missing something?

I love those posters, Summertop!

Not to worry, Thad, she won't be posting here again for a while.

Thanks guys for coming to the rescue. I wasn't sure myself of her intent!

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit fed-up by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely. He picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'

LOL@red dragon...that's funny!!