- they should be able to put them all up
there.

You shut the door.

is to suggest he is too old for it.

how come nobody likes my batman joke i'll say it again: why did batman cross his legs? because he had to go to the batroom!

oh whooo hooo booo !

and why have women's butts higher an amount of mass than their skulls ?
prevents them from falling over into the keyboard while typing messages ... :D ~*~

yo guy do u like my batman joke?

hahahaha

OMG

ANd yes unbeatableking I liked your batman joke as well.. ;)

hey scarletrose i have another one: will u remember me in 20 seconds?

perhaps.. why?

knock knock

Who's there??

Heres something I thought you may like. You'll be able to share this with your more conservative friends.

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while
it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it
will absorb the excess salt for an instant
"fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are
cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me,
The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat
it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

**********************

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in
half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will
go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with
tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the
headache, but who cares?

**********************

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom
of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of
the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on
the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

**********************

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an
apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep
it in the pantry for up to a year.

**********************

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the
baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
and there won't be any white mess on the inside of
the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll
even decorate it for you.

***********************

Ladies - Brush some
beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do
it.

************************

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try
using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip
grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women - Go
ask the cute neighbor guy to do it.

************************

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

:) thank you honey that just tickled me so much had to get it on here :)

hey u already forgot me!

no i believe they answered saying who's there to your "knock knock".....we waiting for the rest

the joke was: will u remember me in 20 secs, then thay said yes, then i said knock,knock then i said hey u already forgot me! did u get the joke?

lol. i get it unbeatable. so did the ladies...for almost 20 seconds.

You got me on that one!! and yes.. it is a good joke.. lol

lol honey....your right just exactly 20 seconds :)

Perhaps the ladies whom you 'believe' didn't get it were just being polite so as not to injure the male pride that is the most sensitive of all earthly things!! ;-) LOL
FYI...I saw it coming down the road before the first knock! LOL

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to
see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.

"Who was the first man ?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter."

Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live ?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter."

Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, it's you ! I'll have to give you a hard one.
What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time ?"

"Mmm, that is a hard one."

"Enter."

'

OH MY LOL

Adam noticed something on his body that was different than Eve's. In fact, he noticed it had this interesting dynamic property as well, under the right circumstances. One day, Eve was sauntering by him quite sexily, Adam saw her...then he held up his arm in a protective manner and said:

"Stay back Eve! I am not sure yet how big this thing will get!"

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden
feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
"What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was
going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said,
"This person will cook for you and wash your clothes,
she will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will
not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have
a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history ...
.

2 4 year old cousins were spending the night together at a family reunion. Their mom's decdided it was time for them to take their bath for the night and soon they were splashing amidst the soap bubbles in the tub. As they got out and were being dried off the little girl looked at her cousin and asked, "What's that"? The young boy replied, "That's my thingy." "Oh my" she said, "Can I touch it?" "No way" said he. "Why not?" "Because you already broke yours off."

What happens at these Fahrenheit temperatures:

+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably.     Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 - Italian cars don't start.
+32 - Water freezes.
+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City   water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.
+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 - American cars don't start.
    0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians     actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your  trip South.
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

<> Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's
> wife went into labor
> > in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
> called out to perform the
> > Delivery. Since there was no electricity, the
> doctor handed the
> > Father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold
> this high so I can see
> > what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought
> into the world.
> >
> > "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a
> rush to put that
> > lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
> Sure enough, within
> > minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
> >
> > "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's
> another one!" said the
> > doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a
> third baby.
> >
> > "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern,
> it seems there's yet
> > another one coming!" cried the doctor.
> >
> > The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment,
> and asked the doctor,
> > "You reckon it might be the light that's
> attractin' em?

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two
dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,
"I'm sorry,
Gentlemen. Only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in
the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. There were two Eskimos sitting in a kayak. They
were cold so they
lit a fire, and the craft sank. It only proved, once
again, that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides
up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man
who shot my
paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they
moved
off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an
open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a
family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to
close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with
his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him... what?
Answer: A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten
different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

lol @ chatty, oh weevils, great :-)

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!" she exclaimed.

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks....
"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"And my dearest, Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

OMG!!! Hahahahaha.. oh that is bad!! LMCAO!!

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


The cabdriver hit a parked car...

<Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
>
>Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
>repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
>
>Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
>you a check.
>
>Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.
>He won't bother you.
>
>But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
>talk to my parrot!"
>
>"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
>
>When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following
>day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has
>ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on
>the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
>
>The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
>incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
>
>Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
>yelled,
>
>"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,
>
>"Get him, Spike!"

A baby boy was born to a couple who waited 20 yrs. into their marrage to finally conceive..But the boy was born without a body..sadly he only had a head..But the couple vowed Bobby would have the best life possible...He grew up happy...The day came for his first day at school..He was so excited that when he awoke he BOUNCED out of bed, rolled down to the breakfast table, slurped up all his breakfast, jumped up to give both beaming and proud parents a smooch and rolled to the bus stop to wait with all of his friends for the school bus AND THERE SHE WAS! The cute little red headed girl that had just moved into the neighborhood..One look and Bobby was in love...so he rolled up to her and confessed his feelings for her..The cute little red headed girl, haveing not been raised around Bobby, like his friends had, was at a lost for words, but managed to reply to him, "The only way I could love you...er...is if you were a grape!"...That night Bobby prayed like he had never prayed before, not asking for a body, not asking for gold to buy a body, just asking to become a grape so that the cute little red headed girl would love him. Lo and BEHOLD the next morning he awoke to find his prayers had been anwsered...HE WAS A GRAPE!!! He rolled out of bed, didn't even stop for breakfast, and rolled to the bus stop anxiously skittering back and forth till she finally arrived.." Look cute little red headed girl! I'm a grape! Now you can love me!" The cute little red headed girl looked at Bobby, picked him up and said, " You're so stupid" She then droped kicked Bobby into the street, where he was squashed by the school bus....The moral of the story?...He should have quit while he was a head.

ugh LOL

LOL

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However,when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs. Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "Hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
"Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

This is what us Aussies have to put up with coming out from England!!! :)))

Don't worry the pom's won't be laughing after they lose to france.

ut oh.....

<> MY RESIGNATION
>
> I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as
> an adult.
> I have decided I would like to accept the
> responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
>
> I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a
> four star restaurant.
>
> I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
> make a sidewalk with rocks.
>
> I want to think M&Ms are better than money because
> you can eat them.
>
> I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a
> lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's
> day.
>
> I want to return to a time when life was simple,
> when all you knew were colours, multiplication
> tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
> you, because you didn't know what you didn't know
> and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy
> because you were blissfully unaware of all the
> things that should make you worried or upset.
>
> I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
> honest and good. I want to believe that anything is
> possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities
> of life and be overly excited by the little things
> again.
>
> I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to
> consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
> depressing news, how to survive more days in the
> month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills,
> gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
>
> I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a
> kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the
> imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
>
> So . . . here's my chequebook and my car keys, my
> credit card bills I am officially resigning from
> adulthood.
>
> And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have
> to catch me first, cause........
>
> ........"Tag! You're it."
> Pass this to someone and brighten their day by
> helping them remember
> the Simple things in Life.
>
> ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
>
> Hope Ya'll join me !

Damn, this is supposed to be a "Jokes" board!!!

Pedro your point is?

The "joke" posted by chattytea doesn't seem to me as a joke...;]

sorry you do not like what i post pedro.. but surely we all have a different sense of humour...
what one enjoys another doesn't!.. that is a fact of life!!!

Well I handed MY resignation in!! (But I'm keeping the car keys... it comes in handy! LOL)

I didn't say I didn't like it...I DID!!! But it's too sad to be a joke!!! ;)

Pedro maybe only to you it is sad, to most who read it they get a chuckle.

Well said Chatty.. what is humor to some, isn't always humor to others.. we all should remember that. Thanks for the wisdom.. ;)