funny !!

a ropes length is from one end to the other

As long as a piece of string, universal!

no offence to blondes by the way:P

You still haven'nt told me how long the Rope or string is,without using a tape guide.Ask long Jonh he has the so called big IQ.It could be any length if you find the centre it's double the length from middle of the string to the end. :o)

What do you call an American drawing?
A Yankee Doodle.



Why is the silkworm not raised in America?
Because Americans get silk from the rayon which is larger and gives more silk.



Where do American ghosts go on holiday?
Lake Eerie.



What happened when two American stoats got married?
They became the United Stoats of America



Where does an American cow come from?
Moo York.



Who rides a dog and was a Confederate general during the American Civil War?
Robert E. Flea.



"Where's your pencil, Bud?" the teacher asked an American boy who had just come to school in Britain.
"I ain't got one, Sir."
"You're in England.now, Bud. Not ain't, haven't. I haven't got a pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They haven't got a pencil."
"Gee!" said Bud. "Pop said things were tough in this country, but I didn't know pencils were so hard to come by."



An American tourist was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub. "And have you lived here all your life, Sir?" asked the American.
"Not yet, m'dear," said the villager wisely.



What's an American cat's favorite car?
A Catillac.



Why are American schoolchildren extremely healthy?
Because they have a good constitution.



Two neighbours were having a chat across the garden fence.
"My son's learning to play football," said one.
"Oh, really," said the other. "What position does he play?"
"The coach says he's a drawback."



A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant,
"Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?"
"Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."



An Irishman joined the American Air Force and was making his first parachute jump. The instructor said,
"When you jump out of the plane, shout Geronimo and pull the ripcord."
When the Irishman woke up in hospital a few days later the first thing he said was, "What was the name of that Indian again?"

where DO you find this stuff
( still giggeling )

Must return to site to see if I can play 'How much is that doggy in the window'

Just remember, someone ELSE made that thing up! I just found it (you could say I just .... followed my nose) ;)

1. You think INSYNC is where your dirty dishes are.

2. You think a 401K is your mother-in-law's bra size.

3. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles per hour.

4. Someone tells you you have something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

5. You wear a tube top to a funeral home.

6. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

7. An episode of Walker Texas Ranger changed your life.

Your AAA Road Service card is called Jumper Cables.

I have a car sales place near me called 'Monkey Motors'! Honest!

LOL. I got my car there. Made it 2 blocks before the smoke started.

Definitions From A Woman's Perspective
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath...push... Good Girl!"

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space... if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also
"tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dogs Compared To Men


Why Dogs Are Better Than Men


Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you--- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.



How Dogs And Men Are The Same


Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does any dishes.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.



Why Men Are Better Than Dogs


Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Restaurants allow men.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Men Mean When They Say...
"I'm going fishing."
really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Woman driver."
really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"It's a guy thing."
really means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
really means..."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
really means...Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Have you lost weight?'
really means..."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I got a lot done."
really means..."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
really means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
really means..."I wonder if the lawn needs mowing today."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
really means..."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
really means..."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
really means..."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
really means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"You know how bad my memory is."
really means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
really means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
really means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
really means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?'
really means..."What did you catch me at?"

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
really means..."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
really means..."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
really means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
really means..."No one will ever see us alive again."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
really means..."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."

"I broke up with her."
really means..."She dumped me."

Diets



A diet is a weigh of life.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we
don't gain weight.

A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's
dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't
eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat... fast.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive
in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, the pause that refleshes.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what
other people eat.

are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the
seconds.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping... snacks and dessert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two... alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead
of its blessings.

Dieting Rules



1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no
calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you
don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.
ex. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
ex. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie
causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not
strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie
counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives
and spoons have no calories.
ex. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon

10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are
spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diet Which Helps You Cope With Stress



This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during
the day.

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Remember: Stressed Spelled Backwards Is Desserts.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the rest.

Strike while the .........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of..........termites.

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll............stink in the morning.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.


Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents.


A penny saved is..............................not much.


Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....you have to blow your nose.


There are none so blind as...................Stevie Wonder.

If at first you don't succeed................don't skydive.
.
When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way.

Better late than...........................pregnant!!!!

Can a blind man be afraid of the dark?
When blind people have a life threatening experience do their lives flash before their ears?
Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?
Has anyone ever been 'illegally blind'?
Can a blind person feel blue?
Do blind people work on-site?
Is it impolite to stare at blind people?

But this one really says something:
If we were all blind, would there still be racism?

thats true jestone, i go to a multi raced school and some of them treat each other like dirt

<A Redneck died and left his wife his estate in trust but she can't touch it until she is 14. > Redneck hotel..the guy calls the front desk and says "I've got a leak in the sink" and the desk clerk says "Go ahead." > A Northern girl and a Southern girl are seated together on an airplane. The southern girl says "Where ya'll from?" and the northern girl says "don't you know better than to end a sentence wth a preposition?" so the southern girl says "ok, where ya'll from bitch??" > what do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth.

A woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks the assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time asking for a screwdriver.

The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer.

At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the physician and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?"

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my darn bag open."

Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of
his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and
sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude
but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with
driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of
pumice stone.
"Quite a layout," said the officer to in charge of the rescuers.
"Too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer
responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water
hazard."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pol itically correct terms for cat owners

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of
food.
- My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
- My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate
moisture.
- My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food bowl)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C heap

After just one year of marriage,Jane filed for divorce.

A friend, trying to console her said that you never know
what a man's like until you live with him.

"I should have left him right after the honeymoon.Not only
did he not take me to Niagara Falls like he promised -
all we did was drive through a car wash twice, real slow"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three goobers, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were walking home late one night and
found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave. Bless
his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says
here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145
years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
exclaims, " Miles from Georgia"

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone into a good mood as he served them food
and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people,
so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-
dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a
muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your tray so
the main man can put us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called
a Queen so I outrank you....Tray-up, bitch."

Humor Banned On The Net
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Washington DC
April 1, 1999

Today, the United States Congress passed new legislation related to the CDA bill. Effective immediately, "no postings of a humorous or amusing nature may be transmitted electronically via the Internet, bulletin boards, FAX or any other means of electronic communications."

According to Congressional spokesperson Ima Dredge, "We have confiscated names from so-called 'joke list maintainers' and those who post alleged humorous material, or even read alleged humour on Internet newsgroups." Ms. Dredge continued, "Idiotic humor has no place in cyberspace; that is reserved for politicians in Washington. Those clowns have the audacity to think they have some sort of right to freedom of speech, without repercussions. The Internet must be returned to the serious, listless place it once was. We have authorized the military to hunt down and delete anyone who has posted or read anything that might be considered funny."

It has been reported throughout the US that military special forces squads have been conducting raids, dubbed 'Operation NoJoke,' throughout the day. General Darth Slader, in charge of 'user delete' operations, admitted, "Sure, I like a good belly-laugh as much as the next guy, but Congress says it's illegal now when mixed with computers. So, we've got a job to do." The General added, "This is sure a hellofa lot easier than trying to take out guys with weapons. Just a bunch of computer geeks; like shooting fish in a barrel. We've developed 'Smart Oriented Bombs' (SOB) which can be sent through e-mail to suspected jokers; got the idea from the Unabomber. When they pick up their mail, their modem explodes, taking out the system, and hopefully the user. Neat, clean and untraceable."

Local authorities have reported a rash of exploding computers and military raids. It appears joke-list providers have been especially hard hit, but more cases of average joke readers are beginning to surface. Several renegade jokesters have moved underground and been able to avoid the military slaughter. You may receive this notice before it's too late.

DO NOT read any jokes from the Internet! If someone tries to tell you a joke, just say NO. If someone asks you "Why did the chicken cross the road?" reply that you don't know -- it's a trick question. Delete any humorous material from your computer and backups. Do not laugh, or even smile while sitting at your computer. Remember, there may be an SOB with your name on it.

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life insurance policy. “Now supposing your husband were to die,” he said, “what would you get?
“Oh, a Bulldog, I think,” replied the housewife. “They are always good company!”

An old prospector had never seen railroad tracks or trains
before, having lived his whole life in the desert. Thus,
when railroad tracks were built near his claim, and he was
visiting their curious site by walking down the ties, he was
oblivious to the sound of the train whistle, because it
meant nothing to him.

He didn't move out of the way. Fortunately it was only a
glancing blow, but it did result in some minor injuries, a
few broken bones, and some bruises, requiring several weeks
in the hospital to recover.

Back at his friend's house after being released from the
hospital, he was in the kitchen when the teakettle started
whistling. He immediately grabbed a bat from a nearby
closet and bashed the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump
of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen to
find out what was happening. When he saw the lump of metal
he asked the prospector, "Why'd you do that to my brand new
teakettle?"

The prospector replied with complete sincerity, "Because...
you gotta kill them things when they're small."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to save the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word:

"comfortable".

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

("com-for-da-bul").

Thanx UG

Halloween Two-Liners



Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.

How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W".

How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and
divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.

What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."

What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.

What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.

What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.

What do you say to a 2-headed monster?
Hello, hello.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out.

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.

What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.

What is a zombie's favorite dessert?
Ladyfingers.

What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!

What is a ghost's favorite food?
Boo-loney sandwich.

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!

What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root.

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.

What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.

What's a mummy's favorite music?
Ragtime.

What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!

What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.

What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!

Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.

Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie.

Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.

Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.

Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.

Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!

Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.

Two children went into their parent's bathroom and noticed
the scale in the corner.

"Whatever you do," cautioned one child to the younger one,
"don't step on it!"

"Why not?" asked the sibling.

"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"

Scientist revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn’t drive.
“No further testing is planned.

<AD ducks and runs for cover>

This list has come across my path... I don't know of it's
accuracy, but it sure has some interesting (and humorous) info:

Did you know?

-Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently
arrived immigrants.

-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
dating are already married.

-Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

-It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

-It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

-The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
take into account the weight of all the books that would
occupy the building.

-A snail can sleep for three years.

-No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

-Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing.

-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

-All polar bears are left-handed.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.

-"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.

-A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

-Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

-Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their
elbow.

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

LOL@AD

You best duck and run for cover!!

:) but it was funny, no? ;)

no

hmmmmmmmm

The orthopedic surgeon Jane worked for was moving to a new office, and she was helping transport many of the items. She sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, with his bony arm across the back of her seat.

Jane hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside her became obvious, so she looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you this lady, but I think it's too late!"

I was just joking AD..they are all funny!!

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.
You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night....... and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.
You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.
You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.
Airline food starts to taste good.
Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp is gaining on you.
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
People think you are 40...and you really are.
You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.
Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself.
Everyone is laughing but you.

Unusual order

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waiter, waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup.
Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.



Waiter, waiter! There's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager! It's no good, sir, he's frightened of them, too.



Waiter, waiter! What's this creepy crawly thing doing in my dinner?
Oh, that one ? he comes here every night.



Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies?
Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup? .



What will a monster eat in a restaurant?
The waiter.



Waiter, waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?
The butterfly stroke by the look of it sir.



Waiter, waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird'nest soup.

Little Birds

Do you know someone who seems to know everything?

When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me."



Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly.

Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken.



They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?"

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.

LOL sweety I love those bad day situations...very funny :)

The link is a white screen on my webtv Luis. Maybe people with a pc can pull it up. There seems to have been an objection but we can't figure out what it's about.

Very funny, Luis!