:)

We still can't see it but it must be OK. One guy wrote he was afraid it would cause heart attacks. Don't want any of those. :)

Having seen it I can say I agree with whoever it was about the heart attacks!

Where To Place Prospective Job Applicants



Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they
are doing.

If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience,
send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

Wow..that bad? Should we delete it? Kam would like opinions since she can't see it either. It must be something!!

no, nothing that needs deleted - it's pretty cool. (Yea, shocked the heck out of me also!)

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.

"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today: it's
already tomorrow in Australia.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

No heart attack here...just wet my pants!!

If you can't see it try going to a friends with a PC, or a library where they have them too.
Then you can decide if you want to put it back.
Then I will let my wife check it out. May not be so bad with a warning.

Let's see if Princess gets any more complaints.

I want to thank everyone that has voiced thier opinion regarding the link submitted which has raised a few questions. If I get the chance I will go to the local library tomorrow and view it for myself.

'

'
is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of
hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing ?"

"I'm a chiropractor,
and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer,
but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you ?"

LOL dano very funny....great to have you back on BK :)

Relationship Guide

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20

lol too funny :)

Who managed to get a pic of my twin??? lol

just minus the grey

A man was standing in the middle of a road with a box of elephant powder in his hands. He was spreading it all over the road when a policeman walked up to him.

POLICEMAN: What are you doing?

MAN: Spreading elephant powder around.

POLICEMAN: There are no elephants round here!

MAN: Well, it must be good stuff then!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in the jungle there was a football match between the elephants and the insects. By half-time the elephants were winning 39-0.

Then in the second half a centipede came on - he was a brilliant player. By the end of the match the score was 46-39 to the insects.

As they were leaving the field the captain of the elephants said,

'What puzzles me is, why didn't you play that centipede in the first half?' 'We would have', said the captain of the insects.

"The only trouble is, it takes him an hour to get his boots on...'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once there was a man leading an elephant. A lady said to him:

'Where are you going with that elephant?'

The man said, I'm taking him to the zoo'.

The next day the lady saw the man still leading the elephant.

'I thought you took him to the zoor, she said.

'I did take him - today I'm taking him to the cinema.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lion was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.

The lion roared, *Who is the king of the jungle?' and the deer replied,'Oh, you are, master.'

The lion walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The lion roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, master.'

The lion walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.

With that the elephant threw the lion across a tree and jumped on him. The lion scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the man who saw a gardener pushing a wheelbarrow full of elephant manure?

'What are you going to do with that?', he asked.

'Put it on my gooseberries', the gardener said. 'Oh,' said the man, 'I usually put custard on mine.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the man who took an elephant to the cinema?

The manager expected it to go on the rampage, but it didn't. Afterwards he said to the man, I am really surprised; your elephant was very quiet and actually seemed to enjoy the film.'

'Yes,' said the man, 'I was surprised, too: he hadn't enjoyed the book.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A party trekking along a jungle path found their way blocked by an elephant who was sitting down and would not move.

They cut a path around him, but a little later there was another elephant sitting down, and another path had to be cut.

The party leader protested: 'I don't think it's funny to find elephants in our way.'

'And we,' replied the elephant, 'don't think it's funny to be disturbed when we are playing book-ends!'


A man was standing at the customs office with a large crate. 'Anything to declare? Jewellery?

Alcohol? Livestock, etc?' 'Nothing', replied the man.

They opened the crate, and there was an elephant with two slices of bread, one in each ear!

'I thought you said no livestock!' said the customs officer.

The man looked at him with an honest expression and replied: What's it to you what I have in my sandwiches?!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A small girl visits the zoo for the first time. Afterwards, she says to her mother,
'I saw the elephants.

What do you think they were doing?

Picking up peanuts with their vacuum cleaners.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twenty elephants were standing in single file, all facing the same way.

How many of them could say, My trunk is touching another elephant's tail?'

None: elephants can't speak!

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, right on the elephants foot. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no."

Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"

The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book - 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."
The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 90s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

absolutely hillarious!!!! LOL

That kinda matches my saying: Happy Wife, Happy Life!

To quote the bible: "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house". Proverbs 21:9

Proverbs 21:19
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

KJV For the men with a camping spirit ;)

Since I am not very good at keeping my wife happy, I hang out in the corner of my house top (my office) a lot. :)

:) I have an office space there too.

How Come
...


It's not the falling that hurts... it's the hitting the ground!
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been
dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the
water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious!
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special
Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said:
"Tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year."
All trees are male, yup they’re all hard and woody.
Oh yes, math is REAL interesting. What's so interesting about x? Why is it
x you always x you have to find? Why find a letter? Can't we find a
number for once? "Find the letter value of 13" instead of "Find the number
value of x."
PE is fun. No really! It’s fun getting pushed, shoved, beat up, scraped.
Well, nobody’s perfect.
I’m great in English. Gee I can't even spell FUTUR! Futcher. Fucher.
Futer. Hell, after now. (for the idiots who really don't know it’s
future)
The purpose of beds are not to sleep on. No it’s to cram all the stuff you
can under them. Sleeping on them is only a coincidence.
If people truly believe in God, why don’t they believe "the way God made us"
is nude?
What's the point of parents? All they ever do is yell at you and hit you
and scream that it’s not right to light the cat on fire?
Yup, teachers are cruel that way. But you shouldn’t hit, tug, kick, bite,
tap, or throw spit-balls at the teachers. Do it to the person in front of
you.
What’s the point of teachers if they know less than you?
Cows should be the cleanest animals on earth. Well, soap does come from
them.
Man invented the wheel after many unsuccessful tries with a pizza.
Only the idiot likes school.
Sure science if fun. What's so fun about rocks again?
The way I live: stay up till midnight, sleep until noon.
Test: Stress maker
Stress: can kill you.
Tests can kill you
The best way to see a shark: swim out to ocean and cut yourself.
The best way to get attacked by a shark: swim out to ocean and cut yourself.
The best way to tease a shark: go on to a dock, cut yourself, and bleed into
the water.
Never hand catch a piranha!
How was I supposed to know gasoline didn’t put out fires?
The only person you can complain to, that cares, is yourself.
Now, did a car run over your cat or did a cat run under your car?
Oh, well same thing.
Would it be ununderstandable, or derstandable? I think it would be
derstandable, don’t you?
Never sneak up behind a female Mountain Lion and her cubs while they are
sleeping, and yell as loud as you can "BOO!!!!!!" Poor, poor Ryan, if only
he’d known.
If it’s snowing out, don’t strip, then go outside.
"Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours." said the P.A. system. I
grabed a desk and hurled it at the speaker, yelling wildly. You see I’ve
had to live with these for the past few months. I just, just lost it.
A conscious bear is not a toy.
"If you put a microphone to your ear you can hear yourself hear," said the
babbling idiot.
Tell someone your cats a small dog and get them to bathe it for you.
If your a dog and you hear someone say they are good with animals and he
goes to pet you, I think a good joke, is to bite him.
Weekends are bad. Why? Well they always turn into Mondays!

ha ha ha ha Some good ones there Nirvana!!!

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,
and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if
we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.
"Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it
was the performance of his life):
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

During a Christmas shutdown of operations at The Volvo Chesapeake, Virginia bus plant, trained police dogs were hired to protect the buildings from vandalism. A Swedish engineer, who was unaware of the new K9 regime arrived at the plant early about 2 hrs before the plant was to start up.

As he was walking down the corridor to his office, he came face to face with one of the dogs, accompanied by his trainer.

The dog reacted to the presence of the stranger by baring his teeth and uttering a menacing growl. The executive froze to the spot. The trainer shouted in an authoritative tone the command: "Sit!"

The unnerved executive promptly sat down on the floor.

lol Jestone....I'd sit too!

Got me good on that one!! OMG!!

Scarlet!!!!!!!! :) I missed you

A bus load of people trying out one of the new reality TV 'Makeover' shows was comeing back from the auditions when it went off the side of a mountain.

When the people were at the Pearly Gates, God said..."I will grant you one wish before you enter."

The first in line said, "Make me beautiful."

Poof...it was done.

Time after time when the next stepped up to have their wish granted, they wished to be beautiful.

Poof...all were granted this wish.

God started noticing the very last person in line starting to chuckle...
and by the time it was their turn, this person was down right howling with laughter.

When it was this persons turn, and God asked what wish was to be granted, the person replied...

"Change 'em all back."

LOL Cole :)

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.


Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest bra nch of the tree. The next day, after eating some mor! e dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull s**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.


Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -

(1) Not everyone who s**** on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends your two minute management course.

"OMG !! Monday we were in the brothel, Tuesday we were in the brothel,
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday we were in the brothel !!"
*SLAP SLAP* "What the heck do you think we are ?? Millionaires ???" ~*~

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music !!!!"

LMAOROF....Nirvana!!!

Ha Ha! That was a good one Nirvana!:o)

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in heaven before the throne of God. God looks at them and says "And so here you face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks "Ronaldo, one of the world's greatest soccer players, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe soccer to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team."

God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo. "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments."

God, moved by the passion of his speech, offers Figo a seat to his right.

He then turns to Beckham: "And you, David. Presumably you want your ball back?"

there once was a man who was a horrible golfer. Then he someone said use a nine iron. He said who said that. Then he saw that the frog was talking so he used it. Then the next hole he listened to the frog again and got a hole in one. Then he brought the the frog to a casino. He became a millianare that night. Then he got a hotal room. He asked the frog if there was anything he could do to repay it back. It said kiss me and then it turned into a beautiful lady. And that is how it happened your honer or my name isnt Bill Clinton.

good one

Quotes

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

- "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

- After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)

- On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)

- "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)

- "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

A lady goes into the hospital to have a very serious operation. While on the operating table. Undergoing preparation, she flat lines and soon finds herself standing before St. Peter. She begins to wonder what she is doing there. "Are you sure that I'm suppose to be here, St. Peter?" St. Peter says: “Let me look at the Book of Life." He looks carefully and says: “Why, no, my good woman, you're not due here for 30 or 40 years!" Suddenly, the lady wakes up in the O.R. and the doctor says: Wow! We thought we had lost you! We've consulted here and we decided you don't need this operation at this time." The lady hesitates and says: “Doctor, since I'm here and all prepped could you perhaps see what you can do about this flabbiness under my arms? And maybe give me a little tummy tuck and..... Oh! Oh, how about these facial laugh lines?" A week later, she is walking across the hospital parking lot when she is hit and killed by a truck. She goes again before S. Peter and she asks: “I thought you said I'm not due here for 30 or 40 years?" St. Peter says:" I didn't recognize you, my dear!"

Three ducks, in line, are crossing the road. “The duck in the back says,
“Quack!!!!, .......quack!!!!”

The duck in the front says, “Hey, I’m moving as fast as I can!”

A Sunday school teacher was teaching on heaven to a class of
kindergarten aged students.

She asked them, "Kids if I sell my house and my car, and
give all the money to the poor, do I get to go heaven?"

The children in unison replied, "No."

She asked them again, "What if I quit my job and spend all
my time helping orphans, then do I go to heaven?"

The children again replied "No."

The teacher then asked the children, "Okay, just how do I
get to heaven?"

Little Tommy in the back row slipped up his hand.

"Yes Tommy, how do I get to heaven?" the teacher asked.

He replied, "You gotta be dead first!

Peel and Win :-))

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel  and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts  screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch". But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads..
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(ARE YA READY FOR THIS?? )
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"W I N A B A G O"   :-))