BananaD: Don't remember seeing it, regardless it is hilarious.

"What? Is Gothic Chess removed from Brainking? Just when I made my own Gothic Chess pieces! (not for commercial use, of course)"

"I already miss the flamewars..."

Fwiffo: This is the Joke Board and not appropriate for Gothic discussion. Try General Chat.

Oh they were meant as jokes really! But maybe not too funny I'm afraid, when it isn't clear they are :)

NE1 has come across unusual examples of Spoonerisms?

U know - like the classic, "you hissed my mystery lecture" (you missed my history lecture)?

Fwiffo: A hint for your next opportunity. ;-) With a joke on a current and controvertial topic you need to make it clear. Drop anything serious (ie. the "commercial" bit) and then "tell" people that it's to be laughed at, either with (joke) or a smiley:

"What? Is Gothic Chess removed from Brainking? Awww, just when I made my own Gothic Chess pieces!!"
;o)

dams: Oh.. I guess I mistook the word spoonerisms.. hehe.. I thought you were talking about something else.. ;)

playBunny) :) Thank you! The "commercial" bit was part of the joke though :)

Fwiffo: Jokewise it perhaps makes it a bit complicated because the main thrust is the "awww" and the sarcasm is humour in something of a different direction.

Lolol. The bit about telling people to laugh ... now that I know it was an extra touch of sarcasm, I rethought the joke and had that chuckle!
:-))

playBunny) I was wondering... isn't the whole Gothic Chess discussion board meant as some subtle under-department of the jokes-board?

Fwiffo: The jokes are not dirty so there is no need to remove them but understand the area is very sensitive to discuss here. The very few people who are amused have to be weighed against the large group who don't get it and those who take offense. Again, try General Chat.

<Purple> I hope they'll like my jokes on General Chat :) If not, should I go to the Gothic Discussion Board?

Fwiffo: Depends on the mental age of the viewer at any given time.

<Purple> I thought about your joke for a couple of hours, and I finally got the clue! The viewer: that's ME isn't it? Well?

dams: At a dinner given by the firm Snedding and Wakefield, a man who was to make a speech was drunk. He referred to the company as "Wedding and Snakefield."

Fwiffo: Don't try to read too much into his post, I think all he was trying to express was that it isn't appropiate on this board.

new to the board so hope this meets with everyone's approval:

Software Upgrade

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
*********************************
**
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support

<Clay> I really think the "serious attitude" of the moderators on the jokes board is a funny addition :) Keep up the good work!

Fwiffo: Even a limited amount of gallows humor is OK but some consideration needs to be given to the person who clicks on the Joke Board in hopes of finding a joke and instead finds a boring and esoteric chat board in progress. My thanks to those who continue to provide jokes.

­If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although
I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football
team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr.
old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes
on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it o ut the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. She said some other stuff too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that Witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the female dog); will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a vasectomy!!!

ScarletRose: I've read this before...and as before, I was laughing sooo hard, even before I began to read....cause I knew what was comeing.

Thank you for posting this gem!

ScarletRose: Never seen that one before. That was a great way to start my morning :) Thanks :)

PS. I was laughing out loud by the end of it!!!!

ScarletRose: There are some very cute "You Might Be A Redneck If.." jokes by Jeff Foxworthy I would like to post but I don't want to offend any rednecks. Also lawyer jokes. Do the readers have any feedback on this?

Purple: Post away please!! haha I would love to see them..

Bet you can't do this!

Thanks Foxy..

Now.. some of you who have been complaining due to the chit chat and laughter.. please understand.. that this board even states at the top..

"A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)

isn't it gross?? LOL

Okay.. on the count of 3.. watch online players..

1...

2....

3.....

IYT is back..!! it is up and running.. yee haw!!!

ScarletRose: ROTFLMCBO!!

ScarletRose: Your Welcome g/f anytime.

ScarletRose: Now thats a joke.

Foxy Lady: hahaha.. I wonder how many peeps ran off.. or would have if it was during the busier time.. haha..

ScarletRose: Way toooooo funny!!!!!

ScarletRose: I wonder how long before it crashes again.Rather put my money here:)

ScarletRose: ewwwww....that is mega gross!!! It's just as bad as that woman who just made it in the guiness book of world records for being able to pop her eyes half way out of her socket and that's without any intervention!!! blahhhh

BananaD: Ewwwwwwww *shiver bibbles at the thought*

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

yoyudax: LOL!!!

yoyudax: waiting for IYT I see

JackS:
Yes Jacks...just keep reloading the page...nothing yet.

JackS:
Yippee!!

ScarletRose: ok u asked for it,clean redneck jokes:

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/redneck_gingerbread_house.jpg
redneck cat carrier
http://people.ucsc.edu/~goldnboi/Funny%20Pictures.htm
http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/3261.html
http://www.the-joke-box.com/pictures/960.png
http://www.sydes.net/jokes/pictures/r/redneck_snow_plough.jpg
http://www.sydes.net/jokes/pictures/r/redneck_body_work.jpg
http://www.medialunchbox.com/pics/horseshoes.jpg
redneck BBQ
http://www.extremetomfoolery.com/jokepics/446.jpg
--
ok,who do we pick on next(on in good fun)

http://onsitetechsnet.com/blog/media/1/20050402-Blonde-Joke.jpg
http://onsitetechsnet.com/blog/media/1/20050402-Bleached-Blonde-Joke.jpg
http://www.raylindstrom.com/files/MS_Word_for_Blondes_v1_0.jpg
http://www.c-wilkie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes/pages/blonde.html
blonde pole dancer
http://www.c-wilkie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes/pages/pole_dancer.html

ScarletRose: yuckers...
ya,but can you do this,I can
http://www.jambl.net/m/albert2.jpg
http://www.newhair.com/images/resources/mp-2002-scalplaxity/scalplaxity_fig03.jpg

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the
head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like
one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked
egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like gril-
led bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, but-
ter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to
spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a
complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might
be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It
can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you
brought me yesterday!"

nobleheart: aaaaaawwwwww how cute.. I think that last link there is so sweet..

but, I laughted my toosh off on that one microsoft word.. haha

nobleheart:

Yes I can.

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. It was pay day and he wanted some fun. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending freely until he was penniless.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. ..

But on Thursday, the swelling was down just enough so he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.