This guy is shopping one day and goes into a salvage store to just look around. To his amazement he finds his dream suit that he had always wanted. Knowing what they cost he looks for the price tag nervously.
He is shocked speechless when he see the price of just $19.95. He hurriedly tries it on just to find out that the right sleeve and the left pant leg are both 4 inches to short!
He is heart broken, so as he slowly begins removing the suit a salesman walks up to him and says.........hey that's your color! The customer says.......yes I know and I just love it but........look, look at the sleeve and pant leg!

The salesman thinks fast and says, wait, wait before you remove it. Pull your right arm up inside the right sleeve by bending your right elbow just a little....little more. Perfect!
Now bend your left leg at the knee. a little more. GREAT. Now look in the mirror!
The customer looks in the mirror and is shocked to see how nicely the suite now fits him! I'll take it! Here's $50.00, keep the change and out the door he walks.

Two men are approaching him on the side walk and one says to the other, "Look at that poor cripple man" His friend says "Yes, but doesn't his suite fit him nice!

I want to apologize to Bumble and Jason for scolding them in public!

You guys may consider it an honor, since it was my first act as a newbie Mod!

Purple: I'm good at apologizing!

OK thats enough of the chatter, back to Jokes please!

Dang I love this "NEW" power as a Mod!

The Wrong Thing To Say

This married couple is sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over
at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband says "I notice you've been watching that man for some time
now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband who has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long.".....

......Services will be held on Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

<SOUTHERN GIRLS [aged 1 year or 100, they'll always be "girls"]
>
> Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind
> of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart"
> or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on
> the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 4-lane
> highway."
>
>> I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling
>> about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her
>> toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent. My
>> friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about
>> those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this After all,
>> this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you
>> believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be
>> "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."
>>
>> Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the
>> North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their
>> friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food.
>> I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good
>> bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts,eat their
>> cornbread with sugar in it!
>>
>> We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear,
>> but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't.
>> And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is
>> "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think
>> this
>> is right funny indeed.
>>
>> I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've
>> got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She
>> also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And,
>> bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or
>> what "I reckon" means!
>>
>> My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't
>> help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."
>>
>
>> Southern girls know everybody's first name:
>> 1. Honey
>> 2. Darlin'
>> 3. Shugah
>>
>> Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
>> 1. "Gone With the Wind"
>> 2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
>> 3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
>> 4. "Steel Magnolias"
>>
>> Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
>> 1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say)
>> 2. Richmon
>> 3. Challston
>> 4. S'vannah
>> 5. Birminham
>> 6. Nawlins'
>> 7. Oh! and that city in Alabama ? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!
>>
>> Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
>> 1. Bad hair
>> 2. Bad manners
>> 3. Bad blind dates
>>
>> G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!
>>
>> Now you run along, Shugah, and send this to someone else Raised In The
>> South, i.e., Southern Belles, or ANY females aspiring to be GRITS.
>> Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".
>>
>> That Reminds me. I have a rubber stamp that says "Just because
>> your children were born in the South does not make them Southerners.
>> After all, if a cat had kittens in the oven, that wouldn't make them
>> biscuits."