PrincessKammy72: Redneck jokes?

From foxworthy...
If you refer to the fifth grade as "Your Senior Year"...you might be a redneck
If you walk INTO a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth...you might be a redneck
If you call your boss, "Dude"...
If your family tree does not fork...

Unknown Author...
If your T.V. that works sits ON TOP OF your T.V. that doesn't work...you might be a redneck.

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a Teethbrush.

Any bird hunters out there? Or do you know someone who does hunt? Check this out:
SeasonShot.com

Two men were golfing one day. When they got to the 12th tee, it was right next to a road. It was a busy day at the course, so they had to wait to tee off. While they were waiting for their turn, a funeral procession comes down the road. As soon as it gets there, the first golfer stands up and places his hat over his heart. He stands there like that until the funeral procession passes. The second golfer comments, "That was sure nice of you!". The first one replies, "It was the least I could do for my Wife".

mook53lhd: That must have been before caller id, also. I used to get TONS of prank calls. Kids would call... I would get the phone number off the caller id, do a reverse lookup (to get the address). Then call them back and say, "Do you know, I know where you live? You live at...". Invariably the line would go dead! then I would have a good

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time.

I continued that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack because he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

The Usurper: I didn't know what true happiness was till I got married....then it was too late.

Sarah1980: What's funny is...I had a neighbor that actually DID groom her lawn with scissors.

Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

If you bought $1000 of Nortel stock a year ago, it would now be worth $49.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.

With WorldCom,you would have less than $5 left.

Now, if you bought $1,000 worth of Beer over the past year, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.

Based on these figures, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program.

I call it my 401Keg

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an
18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about
that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day
when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit
sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang'
and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is



700,000.



(B) Deaths attended by Physicians



per year are



120,000.



(C) Deaths per physician



is



0.171.



Statistics courtesy of



U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Now think about this:



Guns:



(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.



is



80,000,000.



(Yes, that's 80 million..)



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



accidental gun deaths



per year, all age groups,



is



1,500.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The number of accidental deaths



per gun owner



is



.000188



Statistics courtesy of FBI



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



So, statistically, doctors are approximately



9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,



BUT



ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Please alert your friends



to this



alarming threat.



We must ban doctors



before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Out of concern for the public at large,



I have withheld the statistics on



lawyers



for fear the shock would cause



people to panic and seek medical attention.

Backoff: Good one!

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

amandalove: LOL. Ya gota post a link to the picture.

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse ----. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer department be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

the volunteers arrived in a diapidated old fire truck. they rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so greatful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1000.

A local news reported asked the volunteer captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That outta be obviuos," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the breaks on the truck fixed!"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax-OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back in the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine.......

A woman awakes during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try
eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What
kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: HMO, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
problem. How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to
do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work

Strong hints do not work

Obvious hints do not work

Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about
whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was
very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
_______________________________________________
___
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from
her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
___________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five-and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
___________________________________________
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her
mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for
a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of GRANDMA'S hairs are white?"
__________________________________________
The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
___________________________________________
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright
in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet aren't empty."
___________________________________________
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving farther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all
you want. God is watching the apples

If you remember this show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.They are well worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents.


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" what does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

"Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says,"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your week end's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

How to clean the toilet...


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke.....lots of it.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty-year old man says that can only be done in the movies.

If you spray furniture polish on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A four-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows, even double pane, does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak.....it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house four inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old.

Duplo blocks will not.

PlayDough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Superglue is forever.

McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters don't like Jello.

VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither do embroidered bedsheets.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

Always look in the dryer before using it. A four-year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.

The fire department in our city has a response time of at least five minutes.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up two times their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean there is nothing wrong.

Two men were golfing one day. When they got to the 12th tee, it was right next to a road. It was a busy day at the course, so they had to wait to tee off. While they were waiting for their turn, a funeral procession comes down the road. As soon as it gets there, the first golfer stands up and places his hat over his heart. He stands there like that until the funeral procession passes. The second golfer comments, "That was sure nice of you!". The first one replies, "It was the least I could do for my Wife".

Golf - the four letter word explained
=====================================


1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

2. "I wish I could play my normal game...just once."

3. "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

6. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

7. A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

9. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

10. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme Putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.

13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work... and both are expensive.

15. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they shoot a "six," yell "fore" and write "five."

18. Swing easy. Hit hard.

19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf...it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.

20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?

21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Everyone has seen those Motivational posters at one time or another. Here are some Demotivational posters...Increasing Success By Lowering Expectations

if you do a search on "gerbil" and "Microwave" on google, you should be able to find it.

ClayNashvilleTn, if you liked that one, you should see the Gerbil in the Microwave.

Thad, check this out...Frog in a blender

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest’s thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is strictly professional.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, “Father, ever since the young priest came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?”

The priest said, “Well, I doubt it, but I will write him a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here.”

Several days latter the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:

“Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

I have a really good virus program and it cleaned every Windows file off the drive.

Picture

Thad: On April 1st, one year, I received a $10,000 annual raise. At the time I was earning $20,000 per year. My wife didn't believe me when I told her...go figure! In Fact, she didn't believe me until I got my first check showing the raise.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

"Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says,"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your week end's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

Tired of Consultants?

Rose: The result of the little math function is always a multiple of "9"...look at the chart, you will see...

Psychic Web Site

JennyElizabeth: Thanks...Welcome to BrainKing

I hope this link works: Picture

Some funny pictures...

Old Man 1

Old Man 2

Old Man 3

Old Man 4

Old Man 5

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest’s thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is strictly professional.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, “Father, ever since the young priest came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?”

The priest said, “Well, I doubt it, but I will write him a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here.”

Several days latter the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:

“Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she says, “Wear your sweater.”

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke.....lots of it.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a forty-year old man says that can only be done in the movies.

If you spray furniture polish on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A four-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows, even double pane, does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak.....it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house four inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old.

Duplo blocks will not.

PlayDough and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Superglue is forever.

McGuyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters don't like Jello.

VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Neither do embroidered bedsheets.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

Always look in the dryer before using it. A four-year old can break an arm in a rotating dryer.

The fire department in our city has a response time of at least five minutes.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up two times their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean there is nothing wrong.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard one of the
all-time best comeback lines in my life.

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR)
interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who
was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military
installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. "

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent
killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

The biggest problem with the younger generation these days is that I don't belong to it any more.

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times....(At my age, that's true of everything you can possibly ever say.)

I used to have Saturday Night Fever...Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old...as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose...some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as you coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief.

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age. But they haven't made one called, "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.

A woman awakes during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".