Stardust: Earl has a point

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer,then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8
hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it
had tax, insurance and the radio was still in
it. 

Thad: I can't get through - the number is always busy!

Need help with your math homework? Just call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

coan.net: Yeah, but if I had mentioned that too I probable would have been considered a jerk and I decided I'd rather not mention it then be a jerk.

Thad: Same as when wrote "ATM machine" down below.

ATM = Automatic Teller Machine

So saying "ATM Machine" is like saying Automatic Teller Machine Machine

> pin number

Calling it a PIN number is being redundantly redundant.

Finally, a definition of globalization









Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?





Answer: Princess

Diana's death.





Question: How come?





Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.



This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....





That, my friends, is Globalization!

rod03801:



something funny


(as requested)

PLUS the reason the drive up ATM would have braille on the keys is that it is more cost efficient to only make one set of keys. NOT braille keys and non-braille keys.

LOL.. we have really ripped this joke to pieces!

Someone post something funny!

redfrog: Not many things are more sacred than your pin number

Stardust: so why would the driver with no visual impairment force their not so blessed back seat passenger to use the braille system instead of being a good sport and doing the deed themselves?

Please..Please Play nice LOL

Stardust: Ooh, Leave it to me to not even think of the backseat!

Walter Montego: Acutally a person from the back seat can also use the atm. And a person doesn't have to be completely blind to make use of the braille system.

Walter Montego:

Actually, if you were to have a blind person as a passenger and went through the atm backwards, they could use the machine, what I always wondered was how do they know what the screen says? lol

Skyking:
Something I've always wondered about is:

Why does a drive up ATM machine have Braille dots on the driver's side?

Why, Why,
Why

do
we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?


Why
do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough
money?

Why
does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check
when you say the paint is wet?

Why
doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why
do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?


Why
doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why
does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver
at him?

Why
do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose
idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If
people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?

Is
there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Why
do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to
eat will have materialized?

Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one
more chance?

Why
is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
try?

How
do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


When
we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then
apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all
right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"


Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?


In
winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

How
come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And
my FAVORITE......
The
statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you.

I've got a really good joke, but I'll post it next week.

Procrastinators Unite!!!!!!

tomorrow....

I know I have to look up this word in a dictionary. As soon as I will, I'll reply to the post.

Walter Montego: i cant even imagine how many people have intentions to reply to this topic.... i tried yesterday....

Thad: I was going to join the Procrastinator's Club, but I never got around to it. Apparently this qualifies me for membership. I might get in yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Thad: LOLOL!!!!!

Top ten ways to procrastinate:

1.

Rt Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),

Nobel House

17 Smith Square

London SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007


Dear Secretary of State,


My
friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for
£3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now
like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.


In your
opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which
is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach
this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by
the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.


I would
prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not
rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any
advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester
Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?


As
I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an
accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any
Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very
satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years
or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.  That is -
until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I
get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing
100?


I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about
£240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing
pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000
pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4
million from your department.


Incidentally, I wonder if I
would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs
not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These
pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I
understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I
qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I
don't  rear?


I am also considering the "not milking cows"
business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please
could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields?
Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I
seem to have several thousand hectares)?


In view of the
above, you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will
therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be
voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill.
 
 

 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her son Kevin, and his younger brother Ryan. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake (because they're boys), and the mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She taught them, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin's eyes got really big, then he turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" get it? he wants his brother to be Jesus knowing full well he would be offered the first pancake!

Oceans Apart: good play on words. you don't see that as much . it was a staple of comedy for a long time. mook

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

For the Froggie speakers amongst you..................


A thief, in Paris , planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and  made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of petrol.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
 
He replied:

"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh."

 

Oceans Apart: very good

Council Tax Revaluation

Council tax re-valuers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run
by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate,
but the police still do not do anything.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist
comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son's
future wife but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in
 nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control. ..........





Who'd live near Windsor Castle ?  
 

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he
said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available George
said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just
shot
them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot

them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT

Son asks father difference between ‘confidence’ and ‘confidential’.
Dad says: You are my son, I am confident. Your friend is also my son, that’s confidential.

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank

Thad: Thanks for the link.i was thinking along the lines of ex-doobie brother jokes

Jim Dandy: http://www.guzer.com/videos/elevator_toilet.php

Google 'elevator jokes' for tons more.

I need some elevator jokes

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber..."I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces."The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.

Oceans Apart:
that joke reminds me of the late great Ronnie Barker telling it in that excellent series Porridge

Oceans Apart:

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed!

welshrugbyfan: I say poor chicken  lol

doesn't quite have the same clout as the original puncline does it ?

welshrugbyfan: How 'bout, he was chasing the chicken. Does that clean it up enough?