A hostess is making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. "Nora," she said to her veteran servant, "for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing room door and call the guests' names as they arrive."
Nora's face lit up. "Thank you, ma'am," she replied. "I've been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last twenty years."

Archimedes, the well known truth-seeker,
Jumping out of his bath, cried, "Eureka!"
He ran half a mile,
Wearing only a smile,
And became the very first streaker

correction
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,
Trying to evaluate Pi
He disclaimed rule of thumb,
Found an infinite sum,
And exclaimed "It's REAL, nary an i."

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

a dozen, a gross, and a score
plus three times the square root of four
divided by seven
plus five times eleven
is nine squared and not a bit more
-------
A mathematician called Madder
Whose snake scared his wife up a ladder
Was asked by her, "Pray —
Can you take it away?"
But replied, "No, I can't ... it's an adder!"
------
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner,
Trying to evaluate .
He disclaimed rule of thumb,
Found an infinite sum,
And exclaimed "It's REAL, nary an i."
------

roses are red,
violets are purple,
sugar is sweet,
like maple surple.

As Santa Claus rolled up his sleeve,
He said, "Tonight's Christmas Eve,
I don't care if it's snowing,
Keep those reindeer from going--
'Cause nobody goes 'til I leave!"

Miss Farad was pretty and sensual
And charged to a reckless potential;
But a rascal named Ohm
Conducted her home -
Her decline was, alas, exponential.
------
An electron, while trav'ling in space,
Met a positron there "face-to-face."
The electron then sighed,
At the sight of his bride
And they "died" in a loving embrace.

I tried to put up a new shelf
But it kept falling down by itself.
No, I don't feel no shame
And I won't take the blame;
It's the fault of that do-it-your elf.

I bought a new hoover today,
Plugged it in in the usual way,
Switched it on; what a din;
It sucked everything in,
Now I'm homeless and no place to stay.

There once was a girl named Irene,
who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzene!
------
A burlesque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
and died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.
------

There once was a girl from Madrass
Who had a magnificent ass
Not rounded and pink as you probably think
It was grey, had long ears and ate grass

A graduate student at Trinity
Computed the square of infinity.
But it gave him the fidgits (sic)
to put down the digits,
so he dropped math and took up divinity.

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his gold in a bucket
His daughter named Nan ran off with a man
And as for the bucket, Nan tuck it

There once was a girl from St. Paul
Who went to a newspaper ball
Her dress caught on fire
And burned her entire front page, sports section and all

how about everyone telling us/or finding one:
a good limmerick.we must keep it clean,although if you know a real good saucy one,message me...lol

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. 99 Percent Of Lawyers Give The Rest A Bad Name.

7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The
Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.

22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-kinesis? Raise My Hand.

23. Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked
Something.

26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.

32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.

34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.

35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering 'What
Happened?'

37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.

38. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear
Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

"I announced to my wife I was going to the supermarket with her the next time she went because the stuff she kept bringing home was not fully in the spirit of American junk food. While she was off squeezing melons, I made for the junk food section. The breakfast cereals alone could have occupied me for most of the afternoon. There must have been two hundred types. The most immediately arresting was a cereal called Cookie Crisp, which tried to pretend it was a nutritious breakfast but was really just chocolate chip cookies that you put in a bowl and ate with milk. Brilliant."

-- Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself."

---

"Well, Ted, you're certainly coming up in the world. What's the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!"

"Oh, it was my wife's idea."

"Your wife?"

"Yeah," answers Ted, "She thought I should spend more time with the kids."

Since Fencer is expanding the language base I am submitting the following for his consideration since I am from Tennessee and the only way you can now understand anything I say, I have to run it through "SPELL CHECK" first.

This here dictionary is to learn you city folk how to talk right in the South

---------------------------------------------
-------------- ---------------------

1) HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting

2) HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

3) BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow". Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

4) JAWJUH - (noun) - the state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to
Lanner."

5) BAMMER - (noun) - the state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvments."

6) MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar dvision. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

7) THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

8 BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a nutter bare."

9) IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native". Usage: "Them Bammer boys shore are ignert!"

10 RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "Ah thank ah left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

11) ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "Ah shore hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

12) FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna catch far."

13) TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, ah hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

14) TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, ah shore do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

15) RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

16) FAT - (noun and verb) - A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup yuh."

17) RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

18 CHEER - (adverb) - In this place. Usage: "Jest set that bare rat cheer."

19) FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddin't unnerstan a wurd he sed... mus be from some farn country."

20 DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

21) ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some are!"

22) BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that there bob war fence."

23) JEW HERE - (pronoun and verb) - Contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?

24) HAZE - (pronoun and verb) - A contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart? Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

25) SEED - (verb) - Past tense of "to see". Usage: "Ah ain't never seed Noo Yawk City."

26) VIEW - (verb and pronoun) - Contraction. Usage: "Ah ain't never seed Noo Yawk City ... view?"

27) GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

28 FIXIN' - (verb) - Preparing to. Usage: "Ah's just fixin' to do that now."

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.

Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.

The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right hind tire.

red dragon: Oh dear! That's terrible!

red dragon: Dang I'm doing better. Got it 2nd read.

LOL@red dragon...that's funny!!

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit fed-up by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely. He picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'

Thanks guys for coming to the rescue. I wasn't sure myself of her intent!

I love those posters, Summertop!

Not to worry, Thad, she won't be posting here again for a while.

gekrompen hoofd: Are you insulting everyone who posts to this board saying the whole thing is a big joke? Or am I missing something?

Spare me your bee-jerks!
Do I smell a trump?

gekrompen hoofd: yes, there are many good jokes on here. I'm glad you enjoy it.

They named this board right, it's one big joke! Feh!

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make
sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Everyone has seen those Motivational posters at one time or another. Here are some Demotivational posters...Increasing Success By Lowering Expectations

ClayNashvilleTn:

I loved the cleaning your toilet joke and I could possibly get away with it since my cat has been declawed.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

---

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

---

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

---

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

---

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

---

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

How To Clean Your Toilet

Instructions on how to clean your toilet




1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add one-eighth cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet And the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,

The Dog

Summertop: www.joecartoon.com has gerbil in microwave.. frog in blender.. too funny! Oh and several more.. even one for you fishermen!! LOL

if you do a search on "gerbil" and "Microwave" on google, you should be able to find it.

Summertop:Dang I hope non of the animal rights lovers see it.

ClayNashvilleTn, if you liked that one, you should see the Gerbil in the Microwave.

Summertop:Dang that was "BAD" But funny as all get out!

It was Valentine's Day and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense!", said the judge. "How early were you shopping?"

"Before the store opened", countered the prisoner.

In a physics course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, the students were required to read the week's experiment before coming to class...

At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see how many of his pupils had actually done so.

"What are the two types of light?" he asked.

The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Three! Bud, Coors and Miller!"

Thad, check this out...Frog in a blender

no i still don't get it either! and im english lol

Eriisa: "so it would get a potato clock"
Saying it slowly :- So it wood get up at 8 o'clock" Is that any clearer. LOL

pgt: ok, I sound like a 78RPM record set to 33 1/3 and I still don't get it. Is it our American accent?

Thad:DANG, I am 61 and I just made it my favorite!