Harley, here's one more. It was my favorite when I was like nine:

What's red and green and goes two hundred miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

pgt:

ClayNashvilleTn: Say it aloud, V E R Y slowly!!

bumble:duhhhhhhhhh I still havent got it?

bumble: Duh! It took me a while to get that!

What did the spud lover do before it went to bed?

It set its alarm for eight - so it would get a potato clock.

Signs that your cat is hanging around with the wrong crowd:

One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.

Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives."

You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again."

Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him.

You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet.

Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW."

You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been selling d**** in the neighborhood.

After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.

Subject: the mower


The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, and the wife kept hinting to
her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank
in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband
arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments.

When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish
cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

Truth in humor

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided
to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he told his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought that
would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and they
deducted $95.00 in taxes.

Eriisa: Cheek! Mine are a better class of awful!

What do you do with a wombat?

You play wom with it.

harley:

Loved these!!!

harley: ROFL!!!!

why do I think of these as bumble jokes??

How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One frog and 37 light bulbs, slippery hands, ya know.

Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.

What's green and jumps?
A frog!! (groan!)

What's green and red?
A very mad frog.

What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox!

What's green with bumps?
A frog with the measles!

What's black and white and green?
A frog sitting on a newspaper.

What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog?
Hop in!

What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied!

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad!

What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it!

How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
Unhoppy.

Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
He liked a good croak and dagger.

What's green green green green green?
a frog rolling down a hill

What is a frogs favorite time?
Leap Year!

Why did the frog go to the mall?
Because he wanted to go hopping.

I was walking down the alley one day and I saw a frog kicking a can.
I asked him what he was doing.
He said, "I'm moving!"

What is Homer's favourite type of nut?
A d'oh! nut

What's the Simpson family's favourite soap opera?
Homer And Away

If Springfield's Chief of Police was a Red Indian, where would he live?
In a Wiggum-wam

Why did Homer cross the road?
"Mmmm… chicken!"

Why did Bart push Springfield's famous clown down a hill?
He wanted to make a Krusty roll

What goes 'Ha ha… ouch'?
Nelson Muntz throwing away the boomerang he has just pinched

Why wouldn't Homer put butter on his toast while his wife was away?
He preferred it with Marge

If Homer was a dog, what breed would he be?
A D'oh! berman (Doberman)

Why is Bart like a professional golfer?
He's always playing a round

If the Simpsons were standing in a line, with the cleverest on the left, where would you find the dummy of the family?
In Maggie's mouth

Why does Mr Burns employ a giant gardener?
Because he owns a massive plant

What has eight fingers, lives at the bottom of the ocean and loves heavy metal?
An Ottopus

What do you get if you cross Otto with Spider-Man?
Whatever it is, it'll drive schoolkids up the wall

A marketing guy was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this. .

Which shaving cream do you use?

The gent answered, Baba's, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, Baba's...

Which aftershave do you use?

Which deodorant do you use?

Which toothpaste do you use?

Which shampoo do you use?

Which soap do you use?

Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,

"Ok, tell me, What is this 'Baba'? Is it an international or foreign company?"

The guy replies. . . .

"No, he's my room-mate!"

England's West Country is known for its charming cottage- like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting- looking books. So she went inside.

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"

"No, just browsing," said my friend.

"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone's home."

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats
and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

. . . . .
. . . . . . . . . .
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!!

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

bumble: LOL - Zante Boy....

Bry: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's GravyMan!

ScarletRose: lol !!! I dont know what you mean???

Bry: Our hero!!

Cranky Franky: well i don't sit on public ones either, unless i lay tissue on their first haha

Various posts deleted for obvious reasons, others to keep the thread tidy. Please dont re-post etc. Cheers.

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Cranky Franky: Good point! We can stand the germs, the germs just cant stand us!

Cranky Franky: even their burial ... ... ~*~

Okay, now it's our turn to tell. If we men ever need to sit down (sometimes we do) we sit down on the toilet seat. We figure those same germs are taking their chances by clinging to our butts all day, so why worry about it? It's their funeral.

ScarletRose: My mom sent it to me and I about laughed myself silly reading it lol

hehehe.. too funny.... I just sent it out to all the ladies on my email list! LOL

spicieangel: that is sooooooooooooooooo true!!!! LOL

spicieangel: I "FINALLY" understand.

Only a woman will TRULY relate to this (and husbands had better understand...)!

My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little
girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper
and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper
to cover the seat Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a
public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which
consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without
actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet
seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go
home to change my clothes. That was a long time ago. Even now, in
my more "mature years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to
maintain, especially when one's bladder is full.

When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line
of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's
underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the
other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely.
You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one
is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking
down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't
latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat
covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one but
there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck
mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!),
yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

Ahhhh, relief. More relief.
But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on
it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that
would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off
of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the
empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your
mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs
shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on
yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to
do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still
smaller than your thumbnail

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your

chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
toilet. Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down,
directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly,
knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made
contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered
seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was
any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother
would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain
that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a
fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that
you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged
off to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the
splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum
wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to
the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper
towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged
and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely.
One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the
Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the
paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly,
Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered , used and
exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while
waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why
is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with
a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally
explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also
answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to
the restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and
hand you Kleenex under the door.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

ClayNashvilleTn: LOL. Properly used the purple one is all you need. I got this straight from Dr. Purple.

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.

For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.

The following is a list of undocumented Windows XP error codes
which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation.

WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More ! More ! More !
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error
- System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.
Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not ! Is Not !
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten
- Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error
- You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error
- A virus has been activated in a dos-box.
The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
automatically be closed and the virus will be re-activated
WinErr 079: Mouse not found
- A mouse driver has not been installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow
- Too many errors encountered.
Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 666: Error of the Beast.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another game ?
WinErr 683: Time out error
- Operator fell asleep while waiting
for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 500,312,583 Bytes available

'
Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of
the three dependents I claimed on my 2004 Federal Income Tax
return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my
children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who, evidently, is now taxing
me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and
what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to
reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they
are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
peoples questions about their returns. While she has had no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over,
keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you
have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her
to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This
is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling
it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who
had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes
are a little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In
February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing
houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local
IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it.
You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing
your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all
his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in
your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones.
(I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable
amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10,
going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny
Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help you
offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on
Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You
can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are
denying! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the
other two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of
terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty
understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I
don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her
roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her
ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos
that worries me but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck
when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I
think it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out
what it's really made of.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the
two youngest, I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense
but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest at least I have
time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to
cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an
airplane.

Yours Truly,

I accompanied my husband to get a haircut. While flipping through a magazine I found a hairstyle that would look good on me. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the hairstyle photo.

"Well, okay," she replied, "but leave some ID--a driver's license or credit card."

"But my husband is here getting his hair cut," I explained.

"Yeah... but we need something you'll come back for."

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Bill was having a really bad day on the golf course. Right around the 14th hole, it seems he had missed one putt too many. He let loose with a fairly impressive string of profanities, grabbed his putter, and stormed off toward the lake by the 15th tee.

"Uh-oh," said his caddie to one of his playing partners, "There goes that club."

"You think so?" said his partner. "I've got five bucks says he misses the water!"

danoschek: My Dad use to tell me......."Son you gotta be tough in life if your going to be Stupid"

*
Applying for Darwin Awards (Thanks, Feuervogel)
*


ONE:
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6,
9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen
nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't ?" I replied. "We only have six,
nine, or twelve", was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six ?"
"That's right". So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO:
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items And the lady behind me put
her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the
cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider looking it all over for the bar code so
she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is ?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said OK, and
I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE:
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy Drive and pulling it out very
quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,she said she was shopping on the Internet
and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.

FOUR:
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help ?"
I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.
Now I can't get into my car". "Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this ?" "Hmmm, I dunno." "Do you have an alarm, too ?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took
the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE:
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and
turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do ? Just use copier
machine paper, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

SIX:
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.
The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked
like an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver
had set the cruise control and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.
Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night
he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown ?

EIGHT:
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message He's lying was placed in
the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE:
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the
emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some
Benadryl and should be fine. The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer ..."
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency !

Farming is just a ball
To change pumpkins into squash
Simply let them fall.

---

We were painting the church steeple grey,
When the wind blew our brushes away.
We said to the pastor,
"We've had a disaster!"
He calmly replied, "Let us spray."

---

Mark Twain sat on the train next to a gloom-and-doomer who said, "Do you realize that every time I take a breath, 10,000 people on this planet die?" Twain replied, "Hmmm...ever try cloves?"

---

Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend over to see all her beautiful goldfish. Lauren is impressed, and remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?" Diane replies, "Simple. I just blindfold them."

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest’s thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is strictly professional.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, “Father, ever since the young priest came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?”

The priest said, “Well, I doubt it, but I will write him a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here.”

Several days latter the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read:

“Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions."

At which point the wife took up the tale, "And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

many people have no life but pondering which dictionary I might use ...
hereby I declare myself generously willing to appease their curiosity
http://www.butterfliesandwheels.com/dictionary.php ... ~*~ _