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Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of
the three dependents I claimed on my 2004 Federal Income Tax
return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my
children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who, evidently, is now taxing
me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and
what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to
reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they
are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
peoples questions about their returns. While she has had no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over,
keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you
have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her
to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This
is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling
it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who
had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes
are a little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In
February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing
houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local
IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it.
You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing
your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all
his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in
your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones.
(I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable
amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10,
going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny
Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help you
offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on
Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You
can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are
denying! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the
other two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of
terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty
understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I
don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her
roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her
ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos
that worries me but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck
when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I
think it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out
what it's really made of.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the
two youngest, I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense
but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest at least I have
time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to
cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an
airplane.

Yours Truly,