Just a reminder that children read this board. Thanks :o)

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity



What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.



What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.


Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase
cars they have no intention of driving.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.


What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"



What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale
and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."

Redhead Jokes
How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something
How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds
If you love a Redhead, set her free ...
If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.
What do redheads and McDonald's have in common?
You've never had it so good and so fast.
---
Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful
blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"
Second sailor replies that he has.
They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.
FS: " Have you ever slept with a brunette?"
SS: " Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions."
They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the
other two girls for dead.
FS: " Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at
him and replies "Not a wink!"

Ogopogo: roflmao

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parents' room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to to his father, " I think I understand Politics now."

The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is."

The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."

My husband and I were boarding an airplane with our two small children when he commented that it was too bad we weren't flying first class, where we'd have more room for our infant.

"They probably don't allow babies in first class," I said.

"On the contrary," a nearby flight attendant jokingly confided to us.
"ALL our first-class passengers are BABIES."

One of the best tattoo's I have seen (or maybe a sticker or paint - but still very funny!)

http://coan.net/bk-smile/cartoons2/post-17-10970508990.jpg

ScarletRose: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm interesting

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know!

nobleheart:

PROOF that Girls are EVIL!

there was a terrible bus accident,in which,god rest their souls,three nuns found themselves at the gates of heaven.
the angel saint peter told them " to get in,all your have to do is answer a question that proves your faith".
the angel saint peter says to the 1st nun"what did eve take from the tree of knowledge?"
the 1st nun says"an apple?"
"yes,your in" says peter,opening the gate for her.
the angel saint peter says to the 2nd nun"what was the first mans name"
the 2nd nun says"adam?"
"yes,your in"says peter.
the angel saint peter says to the 3rd nun."now you are the mother superior,so for you the question will be a little tougher.
what did eve say,when she first saw adam naked?"
the mothersuperior says" oh,thats real hard one!"
"yes,your in"says peter.

ScarletRose: Thanks Hon! I laughed my ass off too when i heard it!

Ogopogo: LMCAO!! that was a good one!

INVENTORAMF: LOL!

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.

This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

In school one day, a teacher asked my six-year-old son why his handwriting wasn't as neat as it usually was.

"I'm trying out a new font," he explained.

INVENTORAMF:
ant dictionary:
adamant the 1st ant
antigene an ants aunt
antenna another ants aunt
ANTIDORA yet another ants aunt
anthelix an ant rock band
antecedent an ant seeing a banged up car
anteflexion ant exercise
antecurvature barbi ant
antegrade an ants education level
antelocation were an ant lives
antemortem a dead ant?
ASPIRANT another dead ant?
COOLANT a hip ant
COUCHANT an ant that watches TV all day.
DEBUTANT a teenage ant?
Antepar two ants
ABERRANT a naked ant
ANTEDATE a ant rendezvous
ANTELOPE comes after the rendezvous sometimes
ANTHEMED an ant in a dress?
ANTHILLS what ants climb
reliant an ant you can depend on?
ANTIBOSS the queen ant to her friends
anticity were the ants live
ANTICULT hare krisna ants
DOMINANT a dominatrix ant
DEVIANT a prev ant
ETCHANT an ant artist

nobleheart: Hey I resemble that joke!

If you take your laptop to the bathroom instead of a business newspaper or magazine.
If you start calling TV Dinners - PC Dinners.
If you worry that you might get a tumor from being in front
of the computer too long.
If you think a night out on the town is drinking a beer while
hanging out in an Internet cybercafe.
If you get frustrated in waiting rooms because they don't
have any PC-related magazines to read.
you think (x6)+(x4) is a perfectly natural way to multiply by 80.
you've gutted and rebuilt your computer 5 times since you last changed the oil in your car.
you know what a router is, and you know what a bit is, but you've never heard of a router bit.
you know the square root of 65536 is 256 without having to do the math.
you see a good-looking girl and you DESPERATELY want her e-mail address so you can get to know her.
the only tan you've ever acquired comes from your monitor.
when asked if you have more than one hard drive, you answer "In which computer?"
you spend more time changing settings in Windows 98 than using it.
you can actually read the error message details when a Windows program has a problem.
you spend more time chatting on-line in one day then you do in a week's worth of actual conversation with people face-to-face.
when you're reading a magazine and you see an underlined passage, you feel compelled to click on it.
you dream in code.
you can program in more languages than you can speak.
you e-mail yourself notes rather than writing them...

Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."
Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
You wire your network with jumper cables.
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver.
Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."
Your yard is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.
Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" disk drive.
You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.
Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.
You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow boxes are a hoot.

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two".
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling, "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"

Knock-Knock Blonde

Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
Because they leave to answer the door.

pgt:
knock knock
who's there?
panther
panther who?
panther no panth,I goin' yhwimmin'

Bebs: Good one!

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

patient: doctor,doctor ive only got 60 seconds to live!
doctor: hang on ill be with you in a miniute.

GeGe:Nice one Georgia - Didn't know that! (Theresa getting all sorts of different colours around here at the moment, which had me fooled)

pgt: Theresa
Theresa who?
Theresa green, didn't you know that?

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

"Doctor doctor help me I feel I am shrinking !!"
"Awwww - you will just have to be a little patient." ... ~*~ .

"I got good and bad news for you - which one do you want first first ?"
"The bad one." - "You'll be dead next week." "Oogh and the good one ?"
- "The disease will be named after you for certain, my friend." ~*~

'doctor I got something buggy in my back' - the doctor takes his gloves for a probe
but can't find anything at first - finally - after deep investigation he senses something
and - is stomped 'wow ! but that's an oreo !!' 'oh yes it is doc, and you really earned it.' ~*~

-- Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

-- Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

-- Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

-- Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

-- Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

-- Dog: a cat's device for running practice.

-- Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me."

GeGe: Ok - I'll play! Who's there?

Knock Knock

tazman7474: LOL........good one!

1.You think the stock market has a fence around it.
2.You've ever used lard in bed.
3. your mother has ever yelled at you as a kid" get out of your sister"
4.The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
5.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
6.Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
7.Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
8.The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
9.You own a homemade fur coat.
10.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
11.Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
12.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
13.There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
14.You mow your lawn and find a car.
15.Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
16.Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
17.You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
18.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
19.You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
20.You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.
21.You got stopped by a state trooper.He asked you if you had an I.D.And you said, 'Bout What?'
22.You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
23.You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
24.you have have at least one relative on the Jerry Springer's show.
25.More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
26.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
27.You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
28.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
29.Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
30.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
31.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
32.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
33.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
34.There is a wasp nest in your living room.
35.You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
36.You can spit without opening your mouth.
37.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
38.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
39.Your screen door has no screen.
40.You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
41.Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
42.You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
43.You've ever been too drunk to fish.
44.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
45.You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
46.The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
47.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
48.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
49.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
50.Bikers back down from your momma.
51.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
52.You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
53.You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
54.You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
55.You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
56.You clean your nails with a stick.
57.You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
58.You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
59.You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

pgt: Not quite sure yet............think my middle! LOL

pgt: the ummmm... un-sober half!

Ogopogo: Which half?

I can tell that joke 'cause i'm half Irish :)

What's the difference with a Irish wedding and a Irish wake?


One less drunk :)

Thad: On April 1st, one year, I received a $10,000 annual raise. At the time I was earning $20,000 per year. My wife didn't believe me when I told her...go figure! In Fact, she didn't believe me until I got my first check showing the raise.

April Fool's Day is coming up. Let's hear some April Fool's tales from years past. Surely someone has seen a good April Fool's Day joke pulled off. No prize 'cept bragging rights! ;-)

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

INVENTORAMF: Blonde joke!

Homer, a handsome dude who liked to gamble, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a woman at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The woman looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The woman replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the woman placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The woman was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The woman replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.