1.All dates must pass your dog's inspection

2.All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.

3.You get birthday cards for each of your dogs from family, friends, and the vet. (Bonus if you keep them on the refrigerator for more than a month.)

4.Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs

5.Kiss your dog more than 10 times per greeting.

6.All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house

7.Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.

8.Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged pal, bite for bite

9.Call long distance and talk with your dog.

10.Dog hair in food is just another spice.

11.If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

12.Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs

13.90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's
new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple
lists, checking out photos, sounds and faqs, etc.).

14.All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured
dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out
comes the checkbook

15.All of your charitable donations go to dog-related and humane society
groups.

16.All of your furniture came to you second hand or via curbside discard, but
your dog crates are top of the line, industry premium.

17.All your social activities revolve around other dog people

18.Your voice is recognized by your vet's receptionist

19.And after 3 and a half hours of grooming you let that beautiful creature out
to go potty before bedtime and he turns and looks back at you, all clean and
pretty, he smiles a little smile that warms your heart so deeply that words
can never say. A picture you will remember forever. When the dog comes back
in you realize he has been rolling in the dead bird/squirrel you thought you
carefully buried that morning.

20.Anyone can look at your (pick all that apply) --- T-shirt - sweatshirt -
coffee mug - keychain - beach towel - cooking apron - couch throw - tote
bag - computer screen saver/wallpaper/mousepad/wristpad/monitor frame - gift
wrapping paper - photographic displays - calendars - refrigerator magnets -
weather vane - door mat - bumper stickers - umbrella - Christmas sweater -
socks - embroidery project - child's collection of stuffed animals - sheets
and bedspread - checks - checkbook covers - throw pillows - Home Pages ---
and know immediately that you are a dog lover, AND probably what particular
breed you favor.

21.At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming,
vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!


22.City officials come to your home and say "Your dogs are barking." And you
can't figure out what the problem is.

23.Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask questions because they heard
you were a" dog person"

24.Cut your vacations to 3 day weekends only.

25.Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room

26.Everyone at the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were late for the meeting

27.First time visitors wonder aloud: "Do you smell something?" and you really don't

28.In upstate New York this year, let's get out the map and see what else is
interesting in that area..." or "Let's go on a walking tour or Savannah so
we can bring the dogs along now what hotel chains allow dogs?")

29.Introduce your dog to the photographer and ask would you like to kiss fido
also.

30.It takes an entirely separate garbage can to handle the poop

31.It's easier to get a hairdresser's appointment for yourself than it is to
get one for your dog.

32.You are on an email list with other dog people and each
one of them feels like more than family.

33.Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

34.More than half your grocery money goes to dog food and treats

35.Most of your social life is with other dog people.

36.Most of your vacation pictures are of dogs around the world.

37.No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your
dog(s).

38.No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on
their clothes.

39.Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to
sleep on any piece they so choose

40.On your 1040 form all your charitable donations are to Humane Societies,
Shelters and Rescue groups.

41.On your Christmas list to 'Santa' you only want crooks, whistles, jumps,
doggie sweater, doggie 'gum ball machine', a place to have sheep, and oh
yes, the sheep.

42.One of your vet files is labeled "Other"

43.Order 250 Xmas photos of just the dog, no family in photos.

44.Order 5x7 photos of the kids and order 16 x20 of SPOT.

45.Overnight guests (who share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with
you and the dog(s)

46.Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.

47.Relative solidity of dog excrement is a suitable topic for discussion in
mixed company.

48.Tax rebates go to "the dog fund" or a spending spree through the supply
catalogs.

49.The cost of boarding your furkids equals that of your entire vacation

50.The dog's kibble is stored in 45 gallon garbage cans, and the water is kept
in a bucket with it's own drip tray under it. (Score extra if you have had a
water tap installed over the bucket to save time, or [for longhaired breeds]
if you keep a towel lying permanently on the floor to soak up drips and
squeegee around with your foot.)

51.The family's eye doctor is located in town, but the dog's ophthalmologist is
located a two-hour drive away.

52.The first question you ask when on a date is: "So, do you like animals?"

53.The guardians of your dogs will receive a larger amount of insurance policy
money than will all other members of your family, combined.

54.The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.

55.The instructions to the dog kennel are longer than the instructions to the
house sitter.

56.The largest display of collectibles in the house is dog stuff -- plates,
photos, cards, etc.

57.The majority of your charitable contributions go to animal organizations

59.The most exciting times on vacations, no matter where in the world you go,
is when you get to pet a dog (a "canine fix").

60.The number one priority when buying a new house is the size and landscape of
the backyard

61.The only (or at least first) forum you log onto is the animal forum

62.The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to
you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have
now?"

63.The only time you use your camper is for dog shows.

64.The part of the backyard you finish first is the dog run.

65.The part of your will dealing with your dogs is longer than any other part.

66.The sound of any liquid hitting the floor two rooms away at 3 a.m. Is enough
to launch you out of bed; but otherwise you can sleep through a ringing
telephone, the alarm clock, earthquake tremors, etc.

67.The thought of changing a baby's diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up
dog poop barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye

68.The total "poundage" of canines outweighs the total poundage of humans in
the household.

69.The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink,
to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

70.The whereabouts of all your important legal and personal documents escapes
you, yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the
vet records, breed papers and registration

71.The word "bitch" becomes non-derogatory and flows naturally in most
conversations.

72.To win a precious $.75 show ribbon, you think nothing to forking out
hundreds of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees,
gas, accommodations and meals

73.Vaccination and licensing records for all your dogs are in perfect order,
but your checkbook hasn't been balanced in months, and last year's tax
records are nowhere to be found.

74.When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

75.While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there
anyone else in your family besides the dog?"

76.You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog
sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the
drugstore.

77.You and your family haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the
dogs are all medically up to date

78.You are the only idiot out walking in the pouring rain, but your dog needs
her walk.

79.You are unbelievably pleased to receive a dog item (any dog item) as a
gift --especially from a "non-dog" friend. (They really cared even if it's
not your breed.)

80.You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid
of the vacuum cleaner.

81.You become paranoid about keeping ID on your dog at all times (collar, tags,
microchip, tattoo), but don't bother to carry any ID yourself.

82.You become the family dog kennel for all your relatives

83.You believe every dog is a lap dog.

84.You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the
neighborhood. You know their names.

85.You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

86.You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on

87.You buy a $20.00 stuffed toy and within an hour you find toy stuffing all
over the yard. You and the dogs bow your heads in silent prayer.

88.You buy a bigger bed that will comfortably sleep six

89.You buy a mini-van to give them all enough travel room

90.You buy premium quality dog kibble for your dog, but live on take-out,
frozen pizza, and blue-box macaroni and cheese yourself.

91.You buy vitamin supplements for your dog and administer them daily (wrapped
in cheese if necessary), but consider yourself fortunate if you remember to
take your own more than twice a week.

92.You can only remember people by associating them with their dog

93.You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

94.You can't remember family birthdays and anniversaries, but you can rattle
off a six generation pedigree with birthdates, health data and coat colors
at the drop of a hat.

95.You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are
nose-prints all over the inside.

96.You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

97.You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your
parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.

98.You carry plastic "pick-up" bags and an extra kennel lead in your purse,
pocket, and car at all times.

99.You celebrate dog events (new dog, dog birthday, finished championships,
etc.) by throwing catered parties with lots of people--but you ignore your
own birthday.

100.You change jobs so you can spend more time with the dogs.

ty

amandalove: LOL. And a happy New Year to you, too!

http://llerrah.com/newyearwishes.htm

Some good ones.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Why, Why, Why ?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Calvin Hobbs

Walter Montego: I love Calvin and Hobbes and was sad when it stopped being in the paper...thanks for the snowman funnies they were always my favorites

BIG BAD WOLF: Yep, thems some good ones. :)

BIG BAD WOLF: toooooo cute!!!!!!!!

Classic Calvin & Hobbes cartoons - Snowmen collection

http://coan.net/bk-smile/6/calvin's.gif

If your browser auto-shrinks it to fit the screen, you will need to hover/click on image and tell it to expand to full 100% size to be able to read it.

playBunny: rofl

A woman goes to the Post Office to buy Stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps."

The Clerk says, "What denominations?"

The woman says, "God help us, has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Baptist, 10 Lutheran and 22 Presbyterian.

Santa Cartoon
Santa Claus
Little Santa
Icicles
A Santa
Santa Stop
Sanbreak
Santa dump

amandalove: LOL. Ya gota post a link to the picture.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they
had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab."Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her
fat bum downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

too cute rabbitoid

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman is early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

New Cell Phone Law

According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2006 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a "hands ! free" adapter. I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

A photo is attached so scroll down & take a look and let me know if you want one. Also, forward this to anyone you know, who has a cell phone, and who may want one!

sorry pic didn't go through......but it was a rubber band around the head holding the cell phone in its leather holder to the ear,.:)










I can hear you laughing. I thought you could use a laugh.

volant: always loved those rofl

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my
pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this
way.

My love always,
Agnes


December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very
thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes


December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are
just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes


December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough?
You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes


December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I
love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning
to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes


December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds
again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes


December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those silly birds? Seven swans a
swimming? What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't
sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So
stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes


December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those
birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their
cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in
my own house. Just lay off me, smarty.

Agnes


December 22, 1972

Hey Doodoohead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And boy do they play. They've never stopped
chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get
yours!

Agnes


December 23, 1972

You rotten thing:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
them ladies. They've been flirting with those pipers all
night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the
police on you!

Agnes


December 24, 1972

Listen ?#*!head:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping with those maids
and ladies? All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've
been trampled to death by the lords and ladies and pipers.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes


December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was
total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your
arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chol

Beren the 32nd: Lol. Only if you're a bag lady. For other folks I think it's a tram.

rabbitoid: LOL!

Me no American. Me no understand. A shopping trolley? ;-)

amandalove: good for NY! shooting rabbits from a moving trolley, indeed!!

<From the Bizarre News Archives >>>>>>>>>>>>
CLASSIC BIZARRE NEWS - Tuesday, December 6, 2005
"A wild journey into the history of the most bizarre stories EVER."
+---------------------- Bizarre Laws ----------------------+
NEW YORK

It is illegal to shoot at a rabbit from a moving trolley.

Flirting with a woman can earn a fine of $25. A second
conviction is punishable by making the offender wear horse
blinders in public.

It's illegal to speak to a person while riding in an elevator
and you must fold your hands while looking forward.

You must purchase a license to hang clothes on a clothesline.

According to New York City statues the following means of
making a living are illegal: skinning horses or cows, burning
offal, growing ragweed and burning bones.

Before enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for
dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets,
approximately 40 million pounds of excrement were deposited
on the streets every year.

It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head
for fun.

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb
to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

***

----- Padded Bra Gives Woman 'False' Sense of Security -----

FRANKENMUTH, Michigan - Bullet proof vests have been around
a while, but have you ever heard of a nail proof bra? Dana
Colwell, 31, was cutting the grass at her Frankenmuth home
when a one-and-a-half inch nail shot out from under the
mower and punctured her right breast. Fortunately, she was
wearing her Maidenform padded "liquid-curved" bra, which
broke the speed of the nail enough so it stopped short of
her heart. She told reporters she'll make sure she's wearing
the breast-enhancing bra whenever she mows the lawn in the
future. I am sure her neighbors will love to know that too.
--------------------- Here Be Dragons ----------------------

LOS ANGELES ZOO - San Francisco Chronicle executive editor
Phil Bronstein was attacked by a Komodo dragon last week
during a visit to the LA Zoo. Bronstein's wife, actress
Sharon Stone, had arranged a private tour of the Zoo as a
Father's Day surprise. The highlight of the day was going
to be an up close visit with one of the giant lizards with
which Bronstein has had a long-time fascination. Bronstein
was asked to take off his white shoes before entering the
cage to keep the 5-foot-long reptile from mistaking them
for the white rats it is fed. The strategy did not work as
the dragon lunged for one of his feet and nearly managed to
take off Bronstein's big toe. Doctors were able to rebuild
most of the toe. The dragon was not injured.

------------ Brazilian Sperm Bank Needs a Hand -------------

SAO PAULO, Brazil - Reserves are dangerously low in Sao Paulo,
Brazil. Sperm reserves, that is. To help boost "donations,"
the Department of Human Reproduction at the Albert Einstein
Hospital has launched an aggressive campaign. In one advertise-
ment, a baby boy holds a "Playboy" magazine with the following
tagline under it: "Give it a hand so that he can be born."
Worried about the depleting sources, coordinators are hoping
the "Playboy" ads will draw more attention. Fertility special-
ist Dr. Jorge Hallack explained the urgency: "Nine in ten
potential donors are rejected, so in order to have a reasonable
stock of good semen, we need to research the semen of at least
1,500 men."
-------------- Burglars Strike During TV Time --------------

BERLIN, Germany - Over 16 million people were glued to their
television sets Sunday for the Formula One motor race. Peter
W. and Hannelore T. were no exception. They were so involved
with the race on TV, apparently, that it was two hours until
they realized they had been burglarized. As they cheered for
their favorite driver burglars broke in a window on the first
floor and went through all the drawers and closets escaping
with over $4,500 in jewelry. Peter claimed, "We didn't hear a
thing." Maybe next time he'll listen when his wife tells him
to turn down the television volume.

-- Restless Robber Gets Busted After Drug Induced Cat Nap --

AHMAN, Jordan - A jittery robber became a little too relaxed
after taking sleeping tablets to calm his nerves during a
raid on a hospital pharmacy. The thief managed to slip into
the pharmacy through the cooling system, which was undergoing
maintenance work. He proceeded to take three tablets from
the haul of medication he had stolen and promptly fell asleep
while still on the premises. He was found by hospital employ-
ees who alerted police.

ArnieTxx: kewel responces folks

amandalove: 2%er with Dominican Republic, cat and tangerine.

playBunny: I'm a 2%er as well!! I chose koala actually, I mean I did have to pick an aussie animal!! :-)

Eriisa: It's based on the properties of the number 9. Try a few different starting numbers... ;-) Then make a list of countries and animals... Mine wasn't kangaroo or orange, btw. I'm a 2%er. Whoohoo!!

uuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmm let see ..........lol just thought i'd liven up this place. can tell who's out on the weekends!!!!!!!

amandalove: ok, how's you do that! lol

<A little different.
> MIND GAME
> 2% or 98%
> This is strange...can you figure it out?
> Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?
> Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!
> * Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
> * There's no trick or surprise.
> * Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a
> time and as quickly as you can!
> * Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done
> each of them ... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too
>fast, you might miss something).
>
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> Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter

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> Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?
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> I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of
> the population whose minds are different enough to think of
> something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark

> when given this exercise. Keep this message going. This one
> is actually worth sending on to others. Forward it to people you
> know so they can find out if they are usual or unusual.








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answer:
http://photos1.blogger.com/img/106/1266/640/whack%20a%20mole.jpg
http://www.charlestonmuseum.org/Photos/education%20photos/WAC%20poster%201.jpg
http://www.enchantedlearning.com/rhymes/Thisoldman.shtml
http://www.wizardfkap.com/pic/whack.gif
http://www.neshanock.org/Whack%20at%20That.jpg
http://hem.passagen.se/st5534/whack.jpg
http://sewingartscenter.com/admin/classes/images/Stack%20&%20Whack.jpg
http://fray.slate.com/media/1/123125/123011/2093474/2093475/040123_whack-a-pol.jpg
and of course,saving the best to last:
http://www.threestoogesonline.com/images/tripleslapanim.gif

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the
batteries are dead?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Christmas oxymoron:
What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat
candy
out of your socks

Choose your partners, one and all,
Aspirin, Advil or Tylenol!
Now fling those covers with all you've got.
One minute cold, the next minute hot.

Circle right to the side of the bed,
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.
Back to the middle and don't goof off,
Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.

Forget about slippers, dash down the hall.
Toss your cookies in the shower stall
Remember others on the brink
Wash your hands, wash the sink.

Wipe the doorknob, the light switch too,
Now you've got it, you're doing the flu.
Some like it cold, some like it hot,
If you like neither, then get the shot.

<The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
> that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a
> lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a
> patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win
> the money. Many people had tried over time - weight lifters,
> longshoremen, etc.--but nobody could do it.

> > One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
> polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try
> the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said O.K.,
> grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled
> remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned
> to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six
> more drops of juice fell into the glass.

> As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
>
> The man smiled knowingly and replied "I work for the IRS".
>

To all you OWLS
(Older Wiser Laughin' Souls)






Wisdom from Grandpa .....

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.



Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.




Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.



When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.



If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.



On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.



A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."





Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.



Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.





Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.



How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?





You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.






Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.


Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing

<I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
>>doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
>>decided
>>to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,
>>jumped up
>>and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my
>>leotards
>>on, the class was over.
>>
>>--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you
>>think is
>>the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply
>>replied,
>>"No peer pressure."
>>
>>--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
>>Easter eggs.
>>
>>--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
>>very
>>elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she
>>replied.
>>"Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker
>>commented. She
>>responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
>>
>>--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
>>replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm
>>half
>>blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
>>different
>>medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
>>Have
>>bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands
>>and feet
>>anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
>>But,
>>thank God, I still have my driver's license.
>>
>>
>>--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
>>preacher she
>>had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
>>second, she
>>wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher
>>exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me
>>twice a week."
>>
>>---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not
>>as
>>sharp as it used to be.
>>
>>--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill
>>out.
>>
>>
>>---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my
>>body are just prone to swinging.
>>
>>---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
>>coffeemaker.
>>
>>
>>---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For
>>fast
>>relief."
>>
>>
>>---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your
>>inner
>>child playing with matches.
>>
>>---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!
>>
>>--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You
>>grow old because you stop laughing.
>>
>>- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the
>>people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones
>>I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
>>
>>Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh
>>heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who
>>they are.
>>

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in London.

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did
manage to communicate with her Husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy Chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,
clucked like a chicken And lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message, and gave her the Chicken legs.

The next Day, she needed to get chicken breasts.

Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken
and unbuttoned her blouse to show the Butcher her breasts!

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken Breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to The
store...



(Please scroll down)







What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they
got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the
groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The
groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The
wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom
leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going
to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Jokes that are not suitable for the entire family will be deleted.

nobleheart: lol

Thankgiving Quiz:
What year did the Pilgrim first celebrate Thanksgiving?
1521
1621
1721
1821


How long did the first Thanksgiving celebration last?
1 day
2 days
3 days
4 days


Which president established Thanksgiving as the last Thursday in November?
Abraham Lincoln
Andrew Johnson
Franklin Roosevelt
George Washington


Where was the first Thanksgiving celebrated?
Mayflower
Plymouth
Springfield
Boston


Wild turkeys can NOT fly.
True
False


Answers to Quiz: 1.b 2.c 3.a 4.b 5.b

There once was an angler from Brooklyn
Who ate all the fish that he took in
He was once heard to wish
While eating his fish
"I shouldn't have left the damn hook in"
--
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

Hi,

This is what a computer should do first thing in the morning!
Click on the (really weird) link below and then type in your first name..


http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

nobleheart: rofl i will thanks for your comments and responce!!!!!

amandalove: ty amanda,that is soo cool,and appeals to my scifi intellect.any more like that,feel free to share.
-----
how about these:
A graduate student from Trinity
Computed the cube of infinity;
But it gave him the fidgets
To write down all those digits,
So he dropped math and took up divinity.
--
A burleycque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
and died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.
--
Three jolly sailors from Blaydon-on-Tyne,
They went to sea in a bottle by Klein,
Since the sea was inside the hull,
The scenery seen was exceedingly dull.
--
A research professor Renee,
Cloned people from ape DNA.
The project went well,
Anyone can tell,
'Cause they're members of congress today.
--
Miss Farad was pretty and sensual
And charged to a reckless potential;
But a rascal named Ohm
Conducted her home -
Her decline was, alas, exponential.
--
There once was a girl named Irene,
who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzene!
--
An electron, while trav'ling in space,
Met a positron there "face-to-face."
The electron then sighed,
At the sight of his bride
And they "died" in a loving embrace.
--

playBunny: bow bow er should i say.curtsey curtsey lol