December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my
pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this
way.

My love always,
Agnes


December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very
thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes


December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are
just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes


December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough?
You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes


December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I
love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning
to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes


December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds
again, huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes


December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those silly birds? Seven swans a
swimming? What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't
sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So
stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes


December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those
birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their
cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in
my own house. Just lay off me, smarty.

Agnes


December 22, 1972

Hey Doodoohead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And boy do they play. They've never stopped
chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get
yours!

Agnes


December 23, 1972

You rotten thing:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
them ladies. They've been flirting with those pipers all
night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the
police on you!

Agnes


December 24, 1972

Listen ?#*!head:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping with those maids
and ladies? All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've
been trampled to death by the lords and ladies and pipers.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes


December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was
total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your
arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chol