Purple: Thank you.

Thad: Lolol. I think the content was fine. It's the title that's not appropriate. Should have read Sick joke.

Thad: I knew that ;)

<> >C an't eat Beef, Mad cow....
> >
> >Can't eat chicken . bird flu
> >
> >
> >
> >Can't eat eggs .... Salmonella
> >
> >Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies
> >
> >
> >
> >Can't eat fish .... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
> >
> >
> >
> >Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides
> >
> >
> >
> >Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Remember - - -
> >
> >"STRESSED"
> >
> >spelled backwards is
> >
> >"DESSERTS"
> >
> >

Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.
"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related incident?"

nobleheart: Rofl. I love the way the sequence starts off with that cheesy grin!

ah c'mon brats,a little class plase...enough with the toilet humour...lol..lets chnge the joke direction..mmm..let ss..mmm what next:
ok I know..a challenge everyone fins & share a funny (clean)photo:

http://www.webwasteland.com/links-images/waterskiaccident.jpg

tazman7474: tha's so corney!! ;)

playBunny: lol just think corn log!

tazman7474: Lolol. Maybe it's because I don't like sweet corn that I didn't know that one ... but you've got my imagination going. ;-)

playBunny: look in the toilet after you eat a bunch of sweet-corn! you'll understand it! lol

Corn Poopie : Self-explainitory.

Obvious except to ignorant shi- .. er, I mean poopies like me.
So what's a corn poopie?

Ghost Poopie : The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's nothing in the toilet.

Clean Poopie : The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet,
but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie : The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie : It happens when you're done poopie-ing and you pull your
pants up, and you realize that you have to poopie some
more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Poopie : The kind where you strain so much to get
it out, you practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Poopie : You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log Poopie : The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to
flush without breaking it up into little pieces with
the toilet brush.

Gasey Poopie : It is so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinker Poopie : The kind of poopie you have after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticable trait is the tread marks on the bottom
of the toilet.

Corn Poopie : Self-explainitory.

Gee I Wish I Could Poopie Poopie : It's the kind where you want to poopie
but all you do is sit on the toilet,
cramped, and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie : That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear
it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) : The kind that comes out so fast, your
butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie : The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Food Poopie : It smells so bad the room must be condemned.

Upper Class Poopie : The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.

"Fisherman" Bobber Poopie : That's the kind where you are in a public
restroom, there are two people waiting on your
stall, you poopie and flush two times, but
several golfball size pieces are still floating
above the water line.

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."

skipinnz: blondes like backgammon because it has a bar & they get hit on

are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

the quick and the dead.

I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'"

pgt: LOL...where else could you take in 18 holes and go home to your wife?

Summertop:Not to forget that Hitler shot himself in a bunker

Summertop: And women say we guys aren't thoughtful.

Two men were golfing one day. When they got to the 12th tee, it was right next to a road. It was a busy day at the course, so they had to wait to tee off. While they were waiting for their turn, a funeral procession comes down the road. As soon as it gets there, the first golfer stands up and places his hat over his heart. He stands there like that until the funeral procession passes. The second golfer comments, "That was sure nice of you!". The first one replies, "It was the least I could do for my Wife".

Golf - the four letter word explained
=====================================


1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

2. "I wish I could play my normal game...just once."

3. "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

6. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

7. A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

9. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

10. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme Putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.

13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work... and both are expensive.

15. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they shoot a "six," yell "fore" and write "five."

18. Swing easy. Hit hard.

19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf...it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.

20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?

21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

harley: geesh..harley has been lead out into the "corn" field by Partica I think

Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings.
She took the film to be developed. After a week or so she
went to get the finished photos.

The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday
your prints will come."

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his
ship at about 3 am.

The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to
stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his
tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom
and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's
the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence
performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed
on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave,
but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle,
giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and
light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went
through the same routine all over again, with the same
result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only
sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird
returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check
up on his wayward sailor.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain
is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say
for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night
and couldn't sweep a link!"

One day, two snakes were going along their way. The first snakes asks, "Are we poisonous?" The second snake says, "I don't know. Why?" The first one replies, "Because I just bit my tongue."

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 98 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again...... Lemme

see.... "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup
..."

I came home from work last night exhausted. I said to my wife, "I need my glasses checked. I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death."

Perplexed, the wife asked, "What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?"

"I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work the whole time!"

Eriisa: that's what I did when I read it the first time!

<shaked head in despair>

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...


"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".


So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".


"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".


"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".


And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"


"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"


"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees....
.


Ees, a Ham Bush"

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"

I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Partica: geesh..how far out into the "corn" field did you have to go for those? gee lets have a vote for the brainking corn queen..I vote of course for partica.

*groan*

I'll have to see if I can find some cornier ones If there are any!!

What do you get if you cross a leopard with a plum?
A HIGHLY DANGEROUS SPOTTED PURPLE PEOPLE EATER!

What's big, grey, heavy and wears glass slippers?
CINDERELLAPHANT

What happened to the cat that ate a ball of wool?
SHE HAD MITTENS!

What's green and sings Rock and Roll in the garden?
ELVIS PARSLEY!

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

morphy4ever: People as young as ten read this DB regularly. If you need further clarification send me a PM. Thank you.

morphy4ever: We must exclude the jokes on this DB that have too much adult content.

between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney?
One has pasty white skin, fake body parts
and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson

A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced about 30 minutes outbound from LA:, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!

1. A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

2. A four footed allergen.

3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

4. A treat-seeking missile.

5. A wildlife control expert impersonator.

6. A hair relocation expert.

7. An un-programmable animal.

Partica:
(this joke works best if you got a lisp)
knock knock.
who's there?
panther
panter who?
panther no panth,I'm going swimming
----
hey speaking of lisps.
did you here about the girl with a lisp that didnt believe in mistakes?
to her,every miss was a myth.
har har hardy har

What is red and green and goes round and round?

A frog in a blender.

Knock Knock
who is there
orange
orange who?
orange
orange who?
apple aren't ya glad i didn't say orange?

ok ok what is the corniest joke you know?
----
mine:
were does bad light to?
a prism