If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although
I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football
team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr.
old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes
on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it o ut the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. She said some other stuff too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that Witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the female dog); will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a vasectomy!!!
(Cacher) Vous n'arrêtez pas de perdre au temps? Les abonnés peuvent activer les Vacances Automatiques pour mettre un jour de vacance lorsquils risquent de perdrent au temps. (pauloaguia) (Montrer toutes les astuces)