Purple: Post away please!! haha I would love to see them..

ScarletRose: There are some very cute "You Might Be A Redneck If.." jokes by Jeff Foxworthy I would like to post but I don't want to offend any rednecks. Also lawyer jokes. Do the readers have any feedback on this?

ScarletRose: Never seen that one before. That was a great way to start my morning :) Thanks :)

PS. I was laughing out loud by the end of it!!!!

ScarletRose: I've read this before...and as before, I was laughing sooo hard, even before I began to read....cause I knew what was comeing.

Thank you for posting this gem!

­If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although
I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football
team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr.
old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes
on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it o ut the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life. She said some other stuff too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that Witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the female dog); will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a vasectomy!!!

Fwiffo: Even a limited amount of gallows humor is OK but some consideration needs to be given to the person who clicks on the Joke Board in hopes of finding a joke and instead finds a boring and esoteric chat board in progress. My thanks to those who continue to provide jokes.

<Clay> I really think the "serious attitude" of the moderators on the jokes board is a funny addition :) Keep up the good work!

new to the board so hope this meets with everyone's approval:

Software Upgrade

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
*********************************
**
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support

Fwiffo: Don't try to read too much into his post, I think all he was trying to express was that it isn't appropiate on this board.

dams: At a dinner given by the firm Snedding and Wakefield, a man who was to make a speech was drunk. He referred to the company as "Wedding and Snakefield."

<Purple> I thought about your joke for a couple of hours, and I finally got the clue! The viewer: that's ME isn't it? Well?

Fwiffo: Depends on the mental age of the viewer at any given time.

<Purple> I hope they'll like my jokes on General Chat :) If not, should I go to the Gothic Discussion Board?

Fwiffo: The jokes are not dirty so there is no need to remove them but understand the area is very sensitive to discuss here. The very few people who are amused have to be weighed against the large group who don't get it and those who take offense. Again, try General Chat.

playBunny) I was wondering... isn't the whole Gothic Chess discussion board meant as some subtle under-department of the jokes-board?

Fwiffo: Jokewise it perhaps makes it a bit complicated because the main thrust is the "awww" and the sarcasm is humour in something of a different direction.

Lolol. The bit about telling people to laugh ... now that I know it was an extra touch of sarcasm, I rethought the joke and had that chuckle!
:-))

playBunny) :) Thank you! The "commercial" bit was part of the joke though :)

dams: Oh.. I guess I mistook the word spoonerisms.. hehe.. I thought you were talking about something else.. ;)

Fwiffo: A hint for your next opportunity. ;-) With a joke on a current and controvertial topic you need to make it clear. Drop anything serious (ie. the "commercial" bit) and then "tell" people that it's to be laughed at, either with (joke) or a smiley:

"What? Is Gothic Chess removed from Brainking? Awww, just when I made my own Gothic Chess pieces!!"
;o)

NE1 has come across unusual examples of Spoonerisms?

U know - like the classic, "you hissed my mystery lecture" (you missed my history lecture)?

Oh they were meant as jokes really! But maybe not too funny I'm afraid, when it isn't clear they are :)

Fwiffo: This is the Joke Board and not appropriate for Gothic discussion. Try General Chat.

"I already miss the flamewars..."

"What? Is Gothic Chess removed from Brainking? Just when I made my own Gothic Chess pieces! (not for commercial use, of course)"

BananaD: Don't remember seeing it, regardless it is hilarious.

BananaD: Yep! In the Oz Army. 2. August 2005, 11:57:28
Non-pawns can search for the word Army.

ClayNashvilleTn: there's also the aussie version of the same letter and if I'm not wrong it was also posted on this board...hmmm...a few weeks ago maybe, can't remember exactly.

playBunny: I had never seen it b4, I am still hurting from

ClayNashvilleTn: I've ready that before and every time I read it again it cracks me up. Especially when it gets to the ending!

MessageLETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO, A MARINE CORPS RECRUIT
Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join
up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We
go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore
feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you
none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter Gail

11 was 1 racehorse
22 was 1 2
11 1 1 race 1 day
22 1 1 2.

nobleheart: Here's one that I remember from when I was a kid. It's about two boys looking in a river.

AB! C D Gol'fish.
M N O Gol'fish!
O S D R!
Y S, D R!

Y Y's U r
Y Y's U B
I C U R
Y Y's for me
---
other acronyms like this I am looking for,any of u clever brats know any?

to her,every miss was a myth ¤¤¤ groan ¤¤¤

nobleheart:

new! picabo
hey,I heard that crack wiz guy

http://www.collectr.com/ol/images/opstreetp.jpg

volant:
U R warped

A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"

"You think so much of your game that you don't even remember when we got married," complained the wife.

"Of course I do honey," the husband said. "It was the day after I sank that 40-foot putt."

I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!

The waiter took their order and shortly afterwards, dishes began to arrive at their table. The young man took a bite of his food and suddenly jumped up and gave his lady a such a big hug that she emitted a loud squeal of delight. Heads turned all around! But they seemed not to notice and the man sat down as if nothing unusual had happened.

This strange behavior continued for several minutes. The man would take a bite of food, jump up quickly and hug the girl, she would squeal, everyone would look at them oddly, and he would sit down. This bizarre routine was repeated about ten times!

When my waiter came by to refresh my coffee, I mentioned the 'entertainment' and he said "Oh, that's not unusual at all. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad.

When the cats away...................there are less hairs on the armchair!!!!

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street
(pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just
an athlete....she is now a nurse currently
working at the Intensive Care
Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not
permitted to answer the
hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion
when
she would answer the phone and say . .


Picabo, ICU.

nobleheart: Any protection is better than none. LOL

skipinnz: will this help?

http://www.bofunk.com/media/images/viruseliminator.jpg

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by
hand.


This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you

receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via

any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life

completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2

good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as

Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called

Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Z
ones (SHIRAZ) but this is only

available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is

Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly

until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have

already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is

DEADLY(Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Livi
ng-Youngster).

Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that

Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but

may require a more generous application.

My son would have shook his head and spelt out "i.d.i.o.t"!!

Tuesday: I just had visions of my Miss 15 rolling her eyes going "Muuuuuuuuuum!!!!!!" Hehehehehehe.

Tuesday: Thats hilarious! I can just imagine that!