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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children.
All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

KEEP IT PG rated

Thanks!



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11. 6月 2006, 04:26:29
Sarah 
I thought so also

12. 6月 2006, 22:33:41
nobleheart 
件名: ok ok and now for something completely different..funny signs..c'mon can u brats find some:
ok ok so they weren't awake when they made the sign,maybe it was the high elevation..thin air..ya?
http://img241.echo.cx/img241/1885/sign4vp.jpg

http://gladstone.uoregon.edu/~nmuntal/images/funny%20sign%20church.jpg

16. 6月 2006, 13:43:03
Sarah 
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was
tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!

 I have had ENOUGH!!  I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off!! 

 

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on,
and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's ALL GONE!!!!  "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not
(many underworld cursewords!) FAIR!
"He cheated! YOU cheated!!  How come he has all his work and I don't have any of mine?"

God just shrugged and said,
 "JESUS SAVES"

16. 6月 2006, 14:12:45
Haridaspal 
件名: Re:
Sarah1980:

Absolutely brilliant!

16. 6月 2006, 15:41:16
Skyking 
件名: Re:
Sarah1980:I loved that one

16. 6月 2006, 17:26:50
nobleheart 
件名: signs of the times

27. 6月 2006, 17:28:09
mook53lhd 
件名: Re:
Sarah1980: you re right should have taken your advice. nah seriously there can never be anything wrong with trying to elicit a laugh from your fellow man or woman. even a corny joke can be funny. in general i would say trying to tell a funny can never be wrong. well --- i should clarify. you don t crack joes at a funeral etc mook53lhd

27. 6月 2006, 19:51:23
Sarah 
件名: Re:
mook53lhd: what are you talking about??

29. 6月 2006, 00:35:35
mook53lhd 
件名: Re:
Sarah1980: what are you. ????? i simply made a statement. if you`re referring to the k missing in the last line my keyboard &^%% anyway .i was saying jokes are good medicine .its the thought even if the jokes not so good. but its always better to tell the joke anyway. i added well maybe you shouldn`t at a funeral. i don`t know sara it made sense to me when i wrote it.>>>>>hare you are mook.

29. 6月 2006, 00:40:25
mook53lhd 
件名: Re:
Sarah1980: that 1 i liked. good show .in clcks ha ha ha hooo hooo mook

29. 6月 2006, 02:19:14
Sarah 
件名: Re:
mook53lhd: well I don't know what ?????means but I don't think I like it

29. 6月 2006, 04:50:28
rednaz23 
件名: Re:
Sarah1980 and mook53lhd: orange and green zebras... blah!!! Let's not blow anything up...

29. 6月 2006, 14:00:40
Sarah 
件名: Re:
rednaz23: well he started it , so talk to him

29. 6月 2006, 14:04:16
Rose 
What is the difference between a goldfish and a goat?
A goldfish mucks around in the fountains....

29. 6月 2006, 17:58:23
mook53lhd 
件名: Re:
Sarah1980: ???? meant questioning. as in i didn`t get your posts gist. i should have said what are you questioning ---i just made a blanket statement. how can you not like ????? .anyway my error for confusing you. i try & type the least possible amount of char. oh characters. my keyboard skips etc anyway i type with 1 finger. believe it i get aches & pains there at times. so i use symbols or 4 =for thats all it was.so tell me a joke mook53lhd

29. 6月 2006, 19:48:54
Sarah 
件名: Re:
mook53lhd: There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The  person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the  bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."  The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and  skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

29. 6月 2006, 20:58:20
Sarah 

>
>  God is sitting in  Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't
>need you anymore.   Science has finally figured out a way to create life
>out of nothing.   In other words, we can now do what you did in the
>'beginning'."
>
>"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
>
>"Well, "  says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
>likeness of You  and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
>
>"Well, that's  interesting.  Show  Me."
>
>So the scientist  bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
>
>"Oh no, no, no..."  interrupts God,
>
>"Get your own  dirt."

30. 6月 2006, 02:55:41
rednaz23 
件名: Re:
Sarah1980: You know he may have started it, but you didn't have to do anything in return... To take a well known quote and change it a bit... "Only the foolish will follow a fool."

30. 6月 2006, 14:00:27
Sarah 
件名: Re:
rednaz23: I think we are over it now 

1. 7月 2006, 00:06:44
mook53lhd 
件名: Re:
Sarah1980: i`ve been to the big texan in amarillo ,i savvy about texas .amusing story. i spent over a whole day (in the olden days) hitching up from el paso to dallas .bigger than big the eyes of texas were sure upon me . mook53lhd

2. 7月 2006, 03:06:38
Sarah 

2. 7月 2006, 03:14:48
Sarah 

4. 7月 2006, 17:38:31
redfrog 
件名: fun

4. 7月 2006, 19:51:24
Scarlet Dragon 
件名: Re: fun
Templar: heh heh that's funny

4. 7月 2006, 23:17:06
nobleheart 
件名: cookie humour?

5. 7月 2006, 05:35:27
nobleheart 
件名: signs of the times2

5. 7月 2006, 18:02:53
prettymama 

5. 7月 2006, 18:55:41
Scarlet Dragon 
件名: Re: signs of the times2
nobleheart: that's some weird pic, but there funny *260*

6. 7月 2006, 03:25:41
mook53lhd 
件名: Re:
prettymama: so essentially they`re 2 huge water balloons hmm .didn`t want to say bazooms.but if the pic got by ,i guess a funny word can. mook

7. 7月 2006, 02:33:52
mook53lhd 
件名: jokes
what do you get when you cross a french poodle with a chicken pooched eggs of course .well i haven`t seen anyone else attempt 1 mook53lhd

7. 7月 2006, 03:21:46
nobleheart 
件名: what crossed the road?
nobleheart (7. 7月 2006, 03:27:33)に変更されました。
http://www.factsjokesnfun.com/funny_picture/8/small_thumbs/sumos-cross-the-road.jpg

-
bob sent me this:
http://www.pypressusa.com/images/BobDylanChickenCartoon%20copy.jpg

-
http://cif.rochester.edu/~willdb/refurbished/rj20040604.png

-
http://www.murraythechicken.com/jokes/1why.gif

-
http://www.ananova.com/images/news/laughlabchickenPA410x223.jpg

-
a fowl link:
http://www.whydidthechickencrosstheroad.com/

-
What's your favorite chicken?
Fried
Barbequed
Broiled
Rubber
-
Why did the pigs cross the road with their laundry?
They wanted to do their hogwash snork snork snork
-
Why did the one-handed chicken cross the road?
To get to the secondhand shop.
-
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
to get to the hopping mall.
-
Why did the wasp cross the road?
It needed to go to the waspital
-
How do you keep a dog from crossing the road?
You put him in a barking lot.
-
Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.
-
Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
They go across the road to the retail shop.
-
and last but not least,these:
Why did the chicken cross the muddy road and not come back?
Because he didn't want to be a dirty double-crosser.
-
Why did the hen go halfway across the road and stop?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
-

7. 7月 2006, 03:35:55
mook53lhd 
件名: Re: what crossed the road?
nobleheart: hey i liked most of them. can`t beat a corny clean joke. mookster

7. 7月 2006, 07:14:39
Scarlet Dragon 
件名: Re: what crossed the road?
nobleheart: what's with the sumo peeps? lol. gotta love them chiken jokes...or something like that : P

7. 7月 2006, 20:07:55
Scarlet Dragon 
件名: Don't even try
lock your doors run away but do not (I really mean this) do NOT read the past jokes...some of them are stupid! *203*

8. 7月 2006, 02:29:44
Skyking 
件名: An old one
While still president, Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly, baby."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!". The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting and , and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch."

8. 7月 2006, 02:47:13
mook53lhd 
件名: Re: An old one
Skyking: very good as i`m not a fan of hers. by the way. hows penny & the songbird. ? mook53lhd

8. 7月 2006, 19:47:02
Scarlet Dragon 
件名: Men who work at a Construction Site
There are three men who are working at a Construction Site an American, an Italan, and an Mexican.

It's there lunchbreak and they open there lunchboxes, the Mexican opens his agh a pizza if I get a pizza one more time
I'll kill myself, the Italan opens his agh a salad if I get a salad one more time I'll kill myself, and then the American opens his agh a sandwhich
if I get a sandwhich one more time I'll kill myself.

the next day at lunch:
the Mexican opens his lunch agh a pizza: and he jumps off the building then his wife says: oh if only he told me not to make pizza
the Italan opens his agh a salad: and he jumps off the building then his wife says: oh if only he told me not to make salad
then the American opens his lunch agh a sandwhich: and he jumps off the building then his wife says: don't look at me he makes his own lunch

8. 7月 2006, 19:48:25
nobleheart 
件名: out in the cornfield

11. 7月 2006, 21:20:23
yoyudax 
件名: enjoy!!
A Newfoundland Love Poem (Who said Newfies weren't
romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me grannies grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the hockey's on
And fetch another beer.

12. 7月 2006, 07:03:29
Haridaspal 
件名: Re: enjoy!!
yoyudax:
Aaah! That was fantastic! Made my day!!! Thanks a lot.

Should I recite it to my wife when I go home this evening? Please advise.

12. 7月 2006, 13:49:04
yoyudax 
件名: Re: enjoy!!
Haridaspal:

You're on your own there...lol.

13. 7月 2006, 08:55:29
Haridaspal 
件名: Searching for a poem
Many years ago I read a poem in which the (anonymous) poet hankered for the "Good Old Days" when 'gay' meant happy or joyful and 'grass' was something cows ate and 'pot' was what you used to cook with and so on. Have anyone read that poem? I would like to read it again, but I can't find it!

13. 7月 2006, 12:01:21
hexkid 
件名: Re: Searching for a poem
Haridaspal: Do you mean "Back in the Old Days"?

13. 7月 2006, 14:43:24
Haridaspal 
件名: Re: Searching for a poem
hexkid: That was great, but it's a particular poem I'm looking for.

18. 7月 2006, 03:10:23
rednaz23 
件名: dang roommates...
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

18. 7月 2006, 14:39:29
Adaptable Ali 
件名: Re: dang roommates...
rednaz23:

18. 7月 2006, 15:14:59
mook53lhd 
件名: Re: dang roommates...
rednaz23: now theres a person with a morbid wry wit. hooray hooray hooray ad infinititum mook

19. 7月 2006, 02:36:17
WILD TURKEY 
件名: Re: dang roommates...
WILD TURKEY (19. 7月 2006, 02:37:53)に変更されました。
mook53lhd:
Thanks! I'm going to e-mail them to a friend who had trouble with her roomates in colleges last year! Maybe she can use a few of these this semester? I can see her doing some of these!

19. 7月 2006, 18:29:34
ClayNashvilleTN 
件名: Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart announced on January 3, 2006, that it will begin offering
customers a new discount item - WALMART's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1- $3 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive
wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville.
She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were
conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine
brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

20. 7月 2006, 00:08:12
Dolittle 
件名: Re: Wal-Mart
ClayNashvilleTN:As an ex WalMart employee, I love that!!

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