The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried to give her some warm milk, but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you go to the Lord."

She raised herself in bed and with a pious look on her face said,

"Don't sell that cow."

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but got no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder--still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?!"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...

"We're down here."

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold", the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to b e one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.

Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined... "

"What's this mean!?" his wife asked quizzically.

"I'm afraid our son's going to be a politician!"

Purple:And here was us thinking it was because you could mould clay..... LOL

''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.
The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law."

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the world would you want to live with your mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

http://www.rock103.com/crew/pics/?pow=022805

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling, "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their butts!
The results of this study are pretty interesting:

· 85% of women think their butt is too big...

· 10% of women think their butt is too little...

· The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet!

This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"

With Christmas now coming closer each day I'm sending you this little story..........
Moose
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

The older gent thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many."

The older fellow quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count... But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.

As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Well, sonny, perhaps, it's your pants you should wear backwards."

Young TZ found it impossible to get a date. He’d start to talk to a girl, and his tongue would twist up like a pretzel.
He went to a bookstore and looked for something that would help him overcome his timidity. On a nonfiction rack he saw a book titled "Ways to Women". Blowing his entire allowance, he bought the book, rushed home, and discovered that he had bought volume ten of the encyclopedia.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale Has hit Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending soldiers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!

I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows them a picture, then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses!"

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.

Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

I like Mavine's way and maybe Martha will do all the washing and cooking at Alderson "Camp Cupcake"

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this".

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her

My method would be to take a large glass mix it with a good wiskey and after a bottle who would care lol

The reply was " your going to feed me to the lions"

Could it be the elevator doesn't go any further than the 7th floor.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Back in the wild west, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree!!!!?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. He was disheveled and wounded.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute."

He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

"Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever.
Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.
Patient: Everyone in the office has it.
Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Henry loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Ernie looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Joe picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Joe goes over to Henry's apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Joe declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Joe.

Things were not going well that Sunday...
The young minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

To further complicate things, he found out that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minuteThe substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Well, here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.

"After the choir's anthem, the minister came to the pulpit and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we face a great challenge today... The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Now, any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.

"At precisely that moment, the quick thinking substitute organist played a stirring rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner!"

And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove back to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able to take time off.
But there had to be a way........ One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb," answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir" the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The blonde was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

lmao, i'll never go to the doc again.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".

~Eleanor Roosevelt