One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

two policmans on the ship what`s going under water,the first one telling to other: Hei the water is untill my nack-Stay in your hands and it`ll be just untill your feet say the other

Dear Abby
 
 
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's even worse,
everyone knows he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four years ago,
he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bulls*** with his pals,
while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.
You don't need him anymore.
For Pete's sake, you're a United States Senator from New York now.

LMAO

<<Carnation Evaporated Milk  
When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for
>   your recipes just smile and think of this.
>
>   A little old lady from North Carolina had
>   worked in and around her family dairy farms since
>   she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work
>   and little compensation... and when canned Carnation
>   Milk became available in grocery stores, she read
>   an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best
>   slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of
>   all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...
>   I can do this!
>
>   She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a
>   black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out
>   and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much,
>   we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be
>   able to use it...."
>
>   Here is her entry:
>
>   Carnation milk is best of all,
>   no tits to pull, no hay to haul
>   no buckets to wash, no s*** to pitch,
>   just poke a hole in the s** OF A b****!
>
>
>
>
>

lol

OMY LOL

LOL I thought that was cute.

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick.

As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.

After some years of looking for the "one", a guy finally gets married. Having spent his wedding night, next evening he goes to meet his friends and talk all about it. First question of course goes like , "so did you enjoy the whole thing?" and he replies, "yeah, I enjoyed the HOLE and she enjoyed the THING" !

A double OMY!! LOL

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.




With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.


She tripped and fell -- got up,
and then In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.





He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here"

LOL!!!! That made our day- even my husband is still laughing : ) I had to share with him...he thinks like the owner : )

Back in the wild west, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree!!!!?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. He was disheveled and wounded.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute."

He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

"Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"

http://www.pianoladynancy.com/are_you_a_dummy.htm

Sweet - it said I wasn't a dummy! (lol)

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,was nervous so he
decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's
a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves
and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh,
well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion
of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was
just envisioning how condoms are made!" Gotta watch those little old ladies!
Their minds are always working!

Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the  first time.  Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed,  "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have.  Where did you get your  baby and what did it cost?"
"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K  Mart store for $32.95"
"Oh that's great!  She's so  pretty."
"Well, thank you.  And where did you get your baby?   She's such a beautiful little doll."
"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for  $32.04, the last one they had."
"Well she is certainly beautiful.   You must be very proud of her."
Just then a real mommy came by with her  firstborn.  Naturally the "Oh's" and "Ah's" started, and then ending  with the same question,
 "Where did you get your baby and how much did he  cost?"
"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost  about $5,000."
The two little girls were stunned.  The group  broke up, the real mommy walked on.  Finally one of the little girls  turned to the other and said,
"You know, I don't know what you think about  that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got  SCREWED!

hehehe.. that is kewt Foxy..

OLD VERSION:



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,

building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances

and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm

and well fed.



The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in

the cold.



MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!



*********************************************
*****



MODERN VERSION:



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,

building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances

and plays the summer away.



Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press

conference and demands to know why the ant should be

allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and

starving.



CNN, CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of

the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in

his comfortable home with a table filled with food.



America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this

be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper

is allowed to suffer so?



Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,

and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being

Green."



Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration (for a donation fee

of $20,000) in front of the ant's house where the news

stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."

Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for

the grasshopper's sake.



Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with

Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back

of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax

hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."



Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-

Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the

summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate

number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay

his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the

government.



Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper

in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried

before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a

list of single-parent welfare recipients.



The ant loses the case.



The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up

the last bits of the ant's food while the government

house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old

house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain

it.



The ant has disappeared in the snow.



The grasshopper is found dead in a d*** related incident

and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang

of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.





MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican

I just couldn't resist putting this one up, so youi guys can honestly claim to have seen the worst music video ever made. After this you will be Enlightened, and all sense of depression and worthlessness you have will be cured by the sheer badness of this video and Spock's singing voice... and I don't mean bad-assness, just... badness. I exist to spread the word as I have been given a New Purpose. Watch the music video at the below link... I dare you. And yes, that really is Leonard Nimoy, aka Mr. Spock. If you don't know who he is this probably won't seem like as much of an embarassment.

http://www.straightnochaser.org/Ballad%20of%20Bilbo%20Baggins.mov

BUT WAIT!

To help influence your decision to commit this grand form of suicide, you may wish to read various commentaries on it. Fortunately I have assembled some from various websites!



"I warn you, the images are so odd, they will take up a permanent, unshakable residence in your head." - widepipe.org

"Not satisfied with his musical disembowling of the most popular sci-fi series of all time, Mr. Nimoy turned his substantial talents towards the works of an elderly British fantasy literature writer. In the course of the 2 minutes 18 seconds of horror that follow, not only is the plot of the entire novel given away but Nimoy knowingly lets the listener in on what Bilbo is really smoking in his pipe down in that wacky hobbit-hole. There is also a bassoon solo. It would take Jimmy Page and Robert Plant years of hard work to come up with worse Tolkien inspired drivel. Recently unearthed is the long-hidden music video to go along with the song. I don't think Bilbo was the only one puffin' on his pipe." - someone reviewing an album of Spock's

"Yes, Leonard Nimoy really sang that song. There is a video. It is the greatest video ever made. Watch it now." - Maker of the newgrounds.com video "One Ring to Rule them All 2"

"Freaking hilarious!" - chasem.net

"I had never heard that little ditty, and it was truly sad. :("
"The horror... The horror..."

"I am going to rip my testicles off after having seen that..."

"I thought it was kinda cute...."

"Nooo....! Nooooo....!!! It's not CUTE! IT IS NOT.... CUUUUTE! I will never be the same again! I am poisoned! Tainted! That has to be the most horrible, horrible, horrible thing I have ever seen... IT BURRRRRNS! GAHHHH! AARRRGGGHHH! KILL ME! KILLLL ME NOWWW!"

"CAUTION: Viewing this video has been known to cause grand mal seizures, uncontrollable projectile vomitting, and cancer of the soul."

"How can you NOT like this video? I'm addicted! I need to see it at least once a day. I want to know if Peter Jackson will use this song when he makes "The Hobbit" movie."

- readers of "Kestrel's Nest"

"Somewhere along the road of his career, someone convinced Leanord Nimoy it would be a good idea to sing a little jingle about Bilbo Baggins and his adventures in Middle Earth. What resulted was something that could only ever have sprouted life in the 70's. They decided to call it "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins". It's one of those things that is both funny and disturbing at the same time. If you want to witness what is most likely Leanord Nimoy's biggest embarrasment of his career, one that he probably still looks back on and thinks, why the hell did I ever do that" - some guy named Kevin's weblog

"Category: really bad music. Leanord Nimoy's singing is infamous among Trekkies (not to mention William Shatner's), but who knew there was video evidence? Just to remove whatever semblance of sanity you thought you had left, GR proudly presents our friend Mr. Spock singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins." Most illuminating" - game-revolution.com

"The rumor is that one of the dancers also played a part in a Star Trek episode." - tolkeincollector.com

"Goodness, I'm sure he's happy most of the world has forgotten this!" - guy on nineinchnerds forum

"After seeing this, no star trek actor ever has the right to complain about being typecast ever again. You know you love it." - some guy whose webpage also contains an old commercial done by Will Ferrel

...


In other news... if you want to see something that's funny without being just plain bad, you can always watch the greatest Lord of the Rings parody of all time:

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/88286

Also check out how that was made!

http://newgrounds.com/portal/view/155304 under forging the one ring. Funniest thing you will ever see!

Howard Stern interviewed William Shatner this morning on his radio show. Shatner was pomoting a new album due to be released in October and they played clips. It was embarassing. Sooooooo bad.

Is he worse than Leonard? I've heard rumors, but I just can't picture it. I sent this video to my friend Sarah and she is still trying to recover from the trauma. And she couldn't even hear the song either! Also, my friend Richie from back home watched AND heard it. He has yet to stop having nightmares and is afraid of the possibility that life could get any worse than that... in fact, I have myself lost all faith in Man because of it. What am I doing? Where am I? Get me out of this world!!!!!!! :-|

ROFL!! Thats hilarious! He has a good voice too! He obviously had fun making the video!

since we know that he's not the kirk,
but t.j. hooker, we do not need any further explanations ~*~ :D

1. You're right. That isn't Kirk. Leonard Nimoy plays Spock.
2. Yes, it IS Leonard Nimoy. Want proof? http://www.game-revolution.com/download/goodies/bilbo.htm
Just go there.

Nimoy is a joke in Columbo neither ...
nice too, he always smiles or, says please
- good tactics to get me to doing something btw. ~*~

One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there.

The young man said,

"My name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."

The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out. Pretty soon there
was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said,

"My name is Vance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"

Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon, another
knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said,

"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"

Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was
a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began,

"My name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him, immediately.

*

It makes you wonder what would happen if a teacher tried to play the "name game" with a preschool class and some poor kid's name was Chuck, Mitch, Rich/Richie, or Daggett. Dennis doesn't sound so appealing either.

poetry is evil. ~*~

If you want a good reason, simply view the following. This is your brain on it.

http://newgrounds.com/portal/view/18702

LINK

This is slow to load but worth the wait.

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

This may do the same for you. :-D

http://d21c.com/silent/turd.mp3

Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other and they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems.
A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Please help?

I've seen that before, but it might have been in a different form... the one I remember had wife 1.0 crashing and refusing to turn back on whenever you tried to run online poker games.

One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya
Basin,Boudreaux made a confession.We all been friends for tirty year
and
been tru a lot. Inever told ya'll dis befo 'cause I don't wanna ruin
our
friendship, but I'm gay." Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say,
"We
kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause
we
didn't wanna embarrass you." Boudreaux thanked them for their
understanding
and continued, "Da reason I'mtollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and
I
got six munt to liv. Ya'll daonly family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets
and
I
wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from dat bridge
up
dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together." Fontenot
and
Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their frie!
nd
as asked. Sho' nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Fontenot was about to throw them
out
when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say. "I
donno
what to say. I never was much about goin' to church" Fontenot
admitted.
Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'....anyting. Make
it
rhyme." Fontenot, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem
ashes
out over da swamp and say,"Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, If you liked women, You'd be here wit us."

Why did the boy put his radio in the fridge?

Because he liked cool music

There are three type of people in this world, those who can count and those who cant

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.