During a Christmas shutdown of operations at The Volvo Chesapeake, Virginia bus plant, trained police dogs were hired to protect the buildings from vandalism. A Swedish engineer, who was unaware of the new K9 regime arrived at the plant early about 2 hrs before the plant was to start up.

As he was walking down the corridor to his office, he came face to face with one of the dogs, accompanied by his trainer.

The dog reacted to the presence of the stranger by baring his teeth and uttering a menacing growl. The executive froze to the spot. The trainer shouted in an authoritative tone the command: "Sit!"

The unnerved executive promptly sat down on the floor.

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.

"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

Can a blind man be afraid of the dark?
When blind people have a life threatening experience do their lives flash before their ears?
Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?
Has anyone ever been 'illegally blind'?
Can a blind person feel blue?
Do blind people work on-site?
Is it impolite to stare at blind people?

But this one really says something:
If we were all blind, would there still be racism?

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the rest.

Strike while the .........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of..........termites.

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll............stink in the morning.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.


Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents.


A penny saved is..............................not much.


Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....you have to blow your nose.


There are none so blind as...................Stevie Wonder.

If at first you don't succeed................don't skydive.
.
When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way.

Better late than...........................pregnant!!!!

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's,

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

An Indian woman goes to see an Indian fortune-teller.

"Two men are in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?

The swami answers, "Nimesh will marry you. Akshay will be the lucky one."

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, with her eyes closed, and with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics.

They broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said. "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

And the first old lady blurted out, "And cold, too!"

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over and said, "Hey, I must be losing my mind. I keep hearing these voices saying nice things and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief...

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts...they're complimentary."

There was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did!

ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den,
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business.
What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows!
OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue w.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't
start with some straight answers. OK, forget that.
Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I
watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
need!
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see
reels 2, 3 & 4.
Can I watch them?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue w is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for
windows!
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in
the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other
Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word.
RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOT: Why not, they own it.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
-Henny Youngman