Oh dear...I would be the first one in the water then...Eye surgery...here I come! If I haven't drowned first...

It must be somewhere near me, Backoff! We have a roundabout here, and through the village there are loads of '30MPH' signs and speed cameras. As you approach the roundabout it has a national speed limit sign - IMMEDIATELY behind that sign is one that says 'roundabout - reduce your speed'! Exactly where do you get to do the national speed limit?! Unless you have a 1-50 in 1 second car, the sign is useless!

BananaD ummm, I posted it, I know what it says.....

I have no clue where that sign is.

Cole, the fine print says:
"the bridge is also out ahead". :)

It says"Also, the bridge is out ahead"

Backoff= Where is that sign(If you know)?

it says...




ALSO THE BRIDGE IS OUT AHEAD

I can't make out the fine print at the bottom...

Things were not going well that Sunday...
The young minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

To further complicate things, he found out that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minuteThe substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Well, here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.

"After the choir's anthem, the minister came to the pulpit and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we face a great challenge today... The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Now, any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.

"At precisely that moment, the quick thinking substitute organist played a stirring rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner!"

And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

So this guy walks into a bar...OUCH!

As you are all aware, the airline industry in which we work
has it's own unique set of terminology. The following are
some of the most commonly used terms and their definitions.

PASSENGER -
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually
found in pairs or small groups. Often will become
vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified
situations. When frightened or confused these creatures
collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has
no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient
places. Passengers are of four known species:
Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus
ignoramus.

PRE-BOARD -
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before
departure.

VOLUNTARY OVERSALE -
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is
coming off the flight.

NO-RECORD -
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

NON-REVENUE POSITION -
Usually can be identified by the fact that these
passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or
flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are
permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent
revenue passengers from being able to pay first class
passenger charges.

GROUP -
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling
together. The group leader, who has the tickets,
usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board
time of five minutes before departure, or until there
are no seats left together, whichever occurs last.
Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning
seats to groups as this may convenience them.

SIGN -
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by
small children. Its primary function is to hide the
location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate
numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

POSITION CLOSED -
This is a sign posted at various counter locations,
which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form
line here."

BAGGAGE CLAIM -
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It
is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage
Claim Area."

CARRY ON BAG -
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow
managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the
inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says
the following are not acceptable as carry-on items:
bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires,
or wide screen projection TVs.

FLIGHT SCHEDULE -
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

ON-TIME -
An obscure term, meaning unknown.

FOG -
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs
around an airport while the surrounding areas are
clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used
to delay flights.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL -
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic
controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side
knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent
flights from arriving in time for passengers to make
connecting flights.

TICKET AGENT -
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding
ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities
of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and
and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities
to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather
phenomenon. They are capable of answering three
questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and
without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later
life they start carrying on mysterious conversations
with themselves

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

That's Odd




And you thought odd things only happened to you? Here's some really odd stuff from all over the place. In some cases it really does make you wonder whether the inmates have taken over the asylum - you couldn't make it up - really!
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Gettin' the wind up .... Margaret Waddicor and her friend, Babs Doswell (a sprightly 75 year old) went kite flying at Stoney Cross, in the New Forest, in England. Everything was going fine and their 6 foot stunt kite (bought the day before) was flying very well - too well in fact. a Sudden gust of wind tore the control from Miss Doswell's grip and the pair could do nothing other than look upward helplessly as the kite took off with a mind of its own.
Very disappointed, the pair made their way home to Colehill, 16 miles away. When they arrived they discovered that they had been beaten to it. Lodged firmly in a neighbours tree, awaiting their arrival, was the errant kite. It was a mystery as to how the kite had missed electricity pylons and a whole countryside full of other trees on its journey. Needless to say the pair were over the moon, which, for all anyone knows, was where the kite had been!


Troglodytes of the world unite .... When Mr. and Mrs Baker wanted to build an extension to their cottage in Staffordshire, UK, there was a problem. An ancient right of way ran just where the extension was going, and the local by-laws said it had to remain open. Their solution? Build a 40 foot long paved tunnel under the cottage with automatic lights for those evening ramblers.
The UK Ramblers Association is more than pleased with the arrangement. "We have never heard of a project like this before", said the RA's deputy Director. As for the Bakers, the previously derelict cottage, bought at auction for £28,000 ($46,000) is now worth some £175,000 ($300,000).


Officialdom States-side ....
In one year the Pentagon can expect to be successfully hacked 161,000 times.
The Pentagon has also managed to 'loose' all but 36 of the 200 pages of the official record of the gulf War.
The CIA failed to predict the breakup of the USSR despite a budget of $2 billion a year spent monitoring the former Soviet Union.
The FBI spent years filming a CIA agent making regular visits to the former Soviet embassy with bulging files in his possession, and exiting empty handed. Despite knowing the CIA were hunting a mole in their organisation, the FBI never quite put two and two together.
The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Dept. recently released 23 prisoners, some of them dangerous, by mistake. The excuse - a clerical error!
And finally. Milwaukee Sheriff's Deputies, training dogs to sniff out explosives at the airport, hid a packet of the stuff which the dogs failed to find. Unfortunately they forgot where they'd hidden it and so the explosive is still waiting to be unearthed. This was the second time they mis-laid explosives at the airport.

Chinese translations of some popular film titles ....
"The Full Monty" - Six Stripped Warriors
"As Good As It Gets" - Mr. Cat Poop
"The English Patient" - Do Not Ask Me Who I Am, Ever
"Face Off" - Two Heroes Stealing Each Others Faces
Snappy eh?.

God on the brain ....Recent advances in brain mapping at the University of California have discovered an area near the temporal lobe which when stimulated produces intenses feelings of spiritual transcendence. An interesting thought is that, if God exists, it's not unreasonable to think he might have in-built a biological mechanism for us to comprehend him.

A vacuum between the ears ....A PhD student from the laboratory of Musical Acoustics in Paris has identified what makes the sound of a vacuum cleaner intolerable or acceptable. She recorded 26 vacuum cleaners and played the results to 56 volunteers. Her findings? That loud vacuum cleaners are less popular than quiet ones..

Squishy or what ....Each August, the Spanish town of Buñol in Valencia celebrates in Tomatina festival. The 2 hour festival, which dates form 1945, involves residents and tourists throwing more than 100 tons of tomatoes at each other, until everyone in the town's plaza is ankle deep in tomato puree.

The bathing season .... In Japan holidays are often taken for the express purpose of having a bath. At natural hot springs resorts (onsen) washing is a serious business invloving vigorous scrub-downs before a long soak in the onsen. Between April 1996 and march 1997 143 million people visited the spa town inns; Japan's population is 125 million.

Give me a ring .... European tourist centres, concerned about crime against foreign visitors, note that tourists themselves are not always entirely innocent. A recurrent theme in local newspapers is of tourists stealing bells from the cows.
And the rest ....


From the Cape Cod Chronicle - "The Rose Book Shop is looking for artists to expose themselves on the walls of the shop"..

A sign by the car park of a Glasgow shopping centre, "Parking for one million cars - 750 at a time".


A selection of wise sayings from the airline pilot's magazine, "The Log":

Don't believe in miracles - rely on them
A bird in the hand is safer than one in the engine
If you explain it so clearly that no-one could misunderstand, somebody will.

The punch line is she one a Bagel......Winabago

On the way to a business trip, a man sees a car down the road that was swirving every two seconds.
" wonder if they are okay," he says, nd he calls the police. The police get there and pull the car over. A blonde walks out of the car, and the oficer asks her, Is ter a problem miss?", and the blonde replies, "I was trying to avoid the trees,". The officer said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshnr!"

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.
They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes,
"What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture explains,
"Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

1-post it through ur neighbours door at 2am in the morning shouting out "ITS CHRRRIIISSSSTTTMMAAASSSSSSS" ALSO IF U WAIT TILL MARCH IT WILL BE FUNNIER

2- TIE UP A LOCAL MP PUT HIM ON THE TREE AND SET FIRE TO HIM.....

3-SIT THERE PLAYING SHE LOVES ME SHE LOVES ME NOT WITH THE LEAVES IT'LL HELP PASS THE TIME BETWEEN EACH MEDICATION DOSE

4-GRIND IT DOWN AND FEED IT TO UR DOG

5-SPRAY IT ORANGE WITH BLUE SPOTS SELL IT FOR £1 MILLION and WIN THE TURNER PRIZE

6-GRIND IT DOWN AND SELL IT TO A VEGETARIAN AS A NEW TYPE OF SALAD

7-SEE HOW MANY TOOTHPICKS U CAN MAKE FROM IT

8-PLANT IT IN YOUR NEIGHBOURS GARDEN!!!RIGHT BY THE DOOR SO THEY CANT GET OUT

9-GIVE IT TO UR GIRLFRIEND AS A VALENTINES GIFT

10- CARVE AN ELABORATE SANTA TRAP FROM IT AND CATCH THE JOLLY RED MAN IN A SNARE THEN SHOOT HIM AND SELL HIS CARCASS TO MCDONALDS .

Can you explain the punchline to me because I'm not a blonde, but I am slow at these things!:)

People do the strangest things! Here's a few blunders, snafus and bungles from around the world which amply illustrates Murphy's Law. But consider this: don't laugh too hard, it could be you next!
If anything can go wrong, it will - Murphy's Law

A plane load of passengers flying from Manchester to London (UK) with British Airways got an unexpected bargain. The cabin crew on the walk-on shuttle forgot to collect the fares, and B.A. lost £5265 worth of tickets. By the time the mistake had been realised, the 130 passengers had left the airport.

When people complained about an overgrown garden in Akron, Ohio, USA, the council sent men to cut down the weeds. This proved to be a mistake as the householder, a vegetarian, had been growing the weeds as food. A judge later awarded him $1000 compensation, at the council's expense.

In Mozambique some workers, who were building an extension to a hospital, knocked a hole in a wall. They discovered a £50,000 fully-equipped maternity ward which had been walled up by accident and forgetten about by the hospital authorities.

During the Peruvian Air Force Week in 1975, 30 fighter planes took part in a demonstration of their prowess. Fourteen old fishing boats had been towed out to sea for targets. The boats were bombed and straffed for the next 15 minutes. However, to the amazement of the crowd, and the embarrassment of the officials, at the end of the display, not one boat had been hit.

The novelist, John Buchan, was proud to be presented to King George V in 1935. He was even prouder when, during a later conversation, the King mentioned how much he enjoyed Buchan's books, particularly 'The 39 Steps'. Later when Queen Mary was talking to the novelist, she said, "The King does not get much time for reading, but when he does he reads the most awful rubbish".

Nancy Reagan, wife of the American President Ronald Reagan, thought she had every detail down for a visit by the Queen of England to the White House. Every detail but one that is. As the Queen and the President moved on to the dance floor, the orchestra played, "The Lady Is A Tramp".

LOL

OMG how cute.lol

Lol. ;-)

Glad it didn't morph into something else.

View it here

Peel and Win :-))

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel  and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts  screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch". But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads..
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"W I N A B A G O"   :-))

A Sunday school teacher was teaching on heaven to a class of
kindergarten aged students.

She asked them, "Kids if I sell my house and my car, and
give all the money to the poor, do I get to go heaven?"

The children in unison replied, "No."

She asked them again, "What if I quit my job and spend all
my time helping orphans, then do I go to heaven?"

The children again replied "No."

The teacher then asked the children, "Okay, just how do I
get to heaven?"

Little Tommy in the back row slipped up his hand.

"Yes Tommy, how do I get to heaven?" the teacher asked.

He replied, "You gotta be dead first!

Three ducks, in line, are crossing the road. “The duck in the back says,
“Quack!!!!, .......quack!!!!”

The duck in the front says, “Hey, I’m moving as fast as I can!”

A lady goes into the hospital to have a very serious operation. While on the operating table. Undergoing preparation, she flat lines and soon finds herself standing before St. Peter. She begins to wonder what she is doing there. "Are you sure that I'm suppose to be here, St. Peter?" St. Peter says: “Let me look at the Book of Life." He looks carefully and says: “Why, no, my good woman, you're not due here for 30 or 40 years!" Suddenly, the lady wakes up in the O.R. and the doctor says: Wow! We thought we had lost you! We've consulted here and we decided you don't need this operation at this time." The lady hesitates and says: “Doctor, since I'm here and all prepped could you perhaps see what you can do about this flabbiness under my arms? And maybe give me a little tummy tuck and..... Oh! Oh, how about these facial laugh lines?" A week later, she is walking across the hospital parking lot when she is hit and killed by a truck. She goes again before S. Peter and she asks: “I thought you said I'm not due here for 30 or 40 years?" St. Peter says:" I didn't recognize you, my dear!"

Quotes

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)

- "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)

- After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)

- On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)

- "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)

- "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)

- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

good one

there once was a man who was a horrible golfer. Then he someone said use a nine iron. He said who said that. Then he saw that the frog was talking so he used it. Then the next hole he listened to the frog again and got a hole in one. Then he brought the the frog to a casino. He became a millianare that night. Then he got a hotal room. He asked the frog if there was anything he could do to repay it back. It said kiss me and then it turned into a beautiful lady. And that is how it happened your honer or my name isnt Bill Clinton.

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in heaven before the throne of God. God looks at them and says "And so here you face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks "Ronaldo, one of the world's greatest soccer players, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe soccer to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team."

God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo. "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments."

God, moved by the passion of his speech, offers Figo a seat to his right.

He then turns to Beckham: "And you, David. Presumably you want your ball back?"

Ha Ha! That was a good one Nirvana!:o)

LMAOROF....Nirvana!!!

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music !!!!"

"OMG !! Monday we were in the brothel, Tuesday we were in the brothel,
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday we were in the brothel !!"
*SLAP SLAP* "What the heck do you think we are ?? Millionaires ???" ~*~

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.


Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest bra nch of the tree. The next day, after eating some mor! e dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull s**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.


Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -

(1) Not everyone who s**** on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends your two minute management course.

LOL Cole :)

A bus load of people trying out one of the new reality TV 'Makeover' shows was comeing back from the auditions when it went off the side of a mountain.

When the people were at the Pearly Gates, God said..."I will grant you one wish before you enter."

The first in line said, "Make me beautiful."

Poof...it was done.

Time after time when the next stepped up to have their wish granted, they wished to be beautiful.

Poof...all were granted this wish.

God started noticing the very last person in line starting to chuckle...
and by the time it was their turn, this person was down right howling with laughter.

When it was this persons turn, and God asked what wish was to be granted, the person replied...

"Change 'em all back."

Scarlet!!!!!!!! :) I missed you

Got me good on that one!! OMG!!

lol Jestone....I'd sit too!

During a Christmas shutdown of operations at The Volvo Chesapeake, Virginia bus plant, trained police dogs were hired to protect the buildings from vandalism. A Swedish engineer, who was unaware of the new K9 regime arrived at the plant early about 2 hrs before the plant was to start up.

As he was walking down the corridor to his office, he came face to face with one of the dogs, accompanied by his trainer.

The dog reacted to the presence of the stranger by baring his teeth and uttering a menacing growl. The executive froze to the spot. The trainer shouted in an authoritative tone the command: "Sit!"

The unnerved executive promptly sat down on the floor.

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,
and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if
we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.
"Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it
was the performance of his life):
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

ha ha ha ha Some good ones there Nirvana!!!

How Come
...


It's not the falling that hurts... it's the hitting the ground!
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been
dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the
water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious!
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special
Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said:
"Tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year."
All trees are male, yup they’re all hard and woody.
Oh yes, math is REAL interesting. What's so interesting about x? Why is it
x you always x you have to find? Why find a letter? Can't we find a
number for once? "Find the letter value of 13" instead of "Find the number
value of x."
PE is fun. No really! It’s fun getting pushed, shoved, beat up, scraped.
Well, nobody’s perfect.
I’m great in English. Gee I can't even spell FUTUR! Futcher. Fucher.
Futer. Hell, after now. (for the idiots who really don't know it’s
future)
The purpose of beds are not to sleep on. No it’s to cram all the stuff you
can under them. Sleeping on them is only a coincidence.
If people truly believe in God, why don’t they believe "the way God made us"
is nude?
What's the point of parents? All they ever do is yell at you and hit you
and scream that it’s not right to light the cat on fire?
Yup, teachers are cruel that way. But you shouldn’t hit, tug, kick, bite,
tap, or throw spit-balls at the teachers. Do it to the person in front of
you.
What’s the point of teachers if they know less than you?
Cows should be the cleanest animals on earth. Well, soap does come from
them.
Man invented the wheel after many unsuccessful tries with a pizza.
Only the idiot likes school.
Sure science if fun. What's so fun about rocks again?
The way I live: stay up till midnight, sleep until noon.
Test: Stress maker
Stress: can kill you.
Tests can kill you
The best way to see a shark: swim out to ocean and cut yourself.
The best way to get attacked by a shark: swim out to ocean and cut yourself.
The best way to tease a shark: go on to a dock, cut yourself, and bleed into
the water.
Never hand catch a piranha!
How was I supposed to know gasoline didn’t put out fires?
The only person you can complain to, that cares, is yourself.
Now, did a car run over your cat or did a cat run under your car?
Oh, well same thing.
Would it be ununderstandable, or derstandable? I think it would be
derstandable, don’t you?
Never sneak up behind a female Mountain Lion and her cubs while they are
sleeping, and yell as loud as you can "BOO!!!!!!" Poor, poor Ryan, if only
he’d known.
If it’s snowing out, don’t strip, then go outside.
"Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours." said the P.A. system. I
grabed a desk and hurled it at the speaker, yelling wildly. You see I’ve
had to live with these for the past few months. I just, just lost it.
A conscious bear is not a toy.
"If you put a microphone to your ear you can hear yourself hear," said the
babbling idiot.
Tell someone your cats a small dog and get them to bathe it for you.
If your a dog and you hear someone say they are good with animals and he
goes to pet you, I think a good joke, is to bite him.
Weekends are bad. Why? Well they always turn into Mondays!

:) I have an office space there too.

Since I am not very good at keeping my wife happy, I hang out in the corner of my house top (my office) a lot. :)

Proverbs 21:19
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

KJV For the men with a camping spirit ;)