Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. the second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch." How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

go to...

http://www.dvo.com/newsletter/monthly/2004/august/ghost_carad.mpg

JamesHird:

Didn't realize I posted it twice

<> Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice
> says to Frank, you know,
> we could make a lot of money running our own
> Bungee-jumping service in
> Mexico."
>
> Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool
> their money and buy
> everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord,
> insurance, etc. They
> travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
> As they are constructing
> the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more
> and more people gather
> to watch them at work. When they had finished, there
> was such a crowd they
> thought it would be a good idea to give a
> demonstration.
>
> So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord,
> but when she comes back
> up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and
> scratches. Unfortunately,
> Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again,
> bounces and comes back up
> again.
>
> This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
>
> Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and
> bounces back up. This time
> she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a
> couple of broken bones and is
> almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches
> her this time and says,
> "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
>
> Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee
> cord was fine...It was
> the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?!"

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.

"At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week!"

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

When Little Johnny's family moved into a new double wide trailer one of their former neighbors dropped by. Seeing Johnny out front, he asked, "So, how do you like your new place?"

"It's terrific," Little Johnny answered. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go!"

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

<A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Laura, something
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell
phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
> > Laura was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Laura went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Laura," he
said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Laura replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."!

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her h usband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"

"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again."

"Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her."

"Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling."

* Yes = No.

* No = Yes.

* Maybe = No.

* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

* We need = I want.

* It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.

* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

* We need to talk = I need to complain.

* Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.

* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

* I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.

* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.

* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

* Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."

She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past.

"Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn."

The salesman computed the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

"Aw, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.

"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you $100,000 for the horse."

Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."

While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"

"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."

Several racehorses are in a stable. One on them starts boasting about his track record. "Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight."

Another horse breaks in, " Well I've won 19 of my last 27!"

"That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36, " says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, a greyhound who's been sitting nearby listening says, "I don't mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I've won 88."

The horses are clearly amazed. "WOW," says one horse after a prolonged silence, "a talking dog!"

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."

My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

My husband and I were boarding an airplane with our two small children when he commented that it was too bad we weren't flying first class, where we'd have more room for our infant.

"They probably don't allow babies in first class," I said.

"On the contrary," a nearby flight attendant jokingly confided to us.
"ALL our first-class passengers are BABIES."

In school one day, a teacher asked my six-year-old son why his handwriting wasn't as neat as it usually was.

"I'm trying out a new font," he explained.

-- Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

-- Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

-- Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

-- Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

-- Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

-- Dog: a cat's device for running practice.

-- Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me."

Homer, a handsome dude who liked to gamble, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a woman at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The woman looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The woman replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the woman placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The woman was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The woman replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive................
                
So I took her to a gas station!!!!

Life as a Camel

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the son replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3-year-old daughter.

The mother said, "What does the cow say?"

The child answered, "Moo!"

The mother then said, "Great! What does the cat say?"

The child replied, "Meow."

The mother exclaimed, "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little 3-year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Budweiser."

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."

nobleheart:
Ha Ha Ha !!
Very Funny
>
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((((( N O T )))))

nobleheart:
Sick joke

nobleheart:
Hey can I help it if you have "NO" sence of humor?
LOL

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them.
Now I can ride a unicycle.