Did you see the Joke..Steve?

dano..I'm having problems writing you.. Kammy and Purple were not on so I had chanced that Joke. Thanx for advice

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power in January 2001. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office.
 
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One for the last time. I saw 7 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Clinton. Every last one of them missed.

LOL great one baddessi

Applauding

 
Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of
a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
very closely until he heard an answering,  "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" 
He
tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. It is
our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back,
it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of
the
cave, stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"  Immediately,
there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the
cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of
the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of  the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"  He grinned and closed his eyes in
anticipation, and then he heard  the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..... 
(Get ready this will kill ya),
 
 
 
 
 
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN"  

Thanx UG

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to save the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word:

"comfortable".

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

("com-for-da-bul").

Ouch Linda LOL

There is a new virus. The code name is "Work".
If you receive Work from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that work has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and Work already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
Then retry.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway. . . . it never hurts to be safe.

In the beginning...God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower,and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too ...with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak--so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then...Satan chuckled and created HMOs.

I think that's an old one too? LOL

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which
one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it
makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test
line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00.
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll
take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register; she bends down to get her
purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that
there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping
Wal-Mart."

Just an anouncemant

AIRCRAFT ENTHUSIASTS ...come and join this new fellowship

I think KISS (Especially Gene Simmons could do a lot of tricks) LOL

Oh, I wonder if anything else is incorrect?

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
 
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
 
Men can read smaller print than women Úcan; women can hear better.  
 
Coca-Cola was originally green.
 
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
 
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
 
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)  
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%  
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:  $6,400
 
 
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
 
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.  
 
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.  
 
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
 
 
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.  
 
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the Úonly mobile National Monuments.
 
 
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
 
Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
 
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
 
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.  If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.  If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
 
 
Only two people signed the Declaration Úof Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.  Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.  
 
"I am."  is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
 
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.  
 
  What occurs more often in December than any other month?   Conception.
 
 
Half of all Americans live Úwithin 50 miles of what? .  Their
birthplace
 Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?   Obsession
 
  
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.  
 
  What is the only food that doesn't spoil? Honey
 
  There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
  Father's Day
 
  What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.
 
 
  What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
 
 
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.  Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".  
 
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.  Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
 
 
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.
 It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"  
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.  When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.  "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
 
In Scotland, a new game was invented.  It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden....  and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.  

Great one LOL

A mountain woman from Arkansas went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband what a specimen was. He replied, "Darn'ed if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse." The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?"asked her husband. "Darned if I know," she replied. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose".

An oldy but good one, Linda LOL

<Here Are a Few Giggles!
You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get >From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk..
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you SMILE

Ouch, that's scary LOL

5.Up on the mousetop
4.I saw mommy hiss at Santa Claus
3.Silent mice
2.Jingle balls
And cat's number one favorite Christmas song of all...
1.Wreck the halls

Now you done it skip lol

ugh LOL

That was good Chris

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.  Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated. The perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) Answer:



The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. **** Men keep scrolling.



So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. ****Men Keep scrolling



By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen

LOL

Just that twice I got debated or yelled at about something I was doing onthese discusions wrong

Same with my joke a while ago. Someone already told it and I got the joke in email and I never scrolled down a ways to see it was already there. Please don't make me out to be a bad person taurec, please

Sorry Linda..an old joke

Ouch LOL

ouch LOL

OOOOKKKK LOL

OOOOOKKKKK LOL

I got it in an email days ago..sorry LOL

Thanx Bruno

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate
one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good
for one period and have no second string

Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
Signed, A relieved menopausal wife

Good one cole

That was a good yet old jike i heard somewhere before. Sorry no one lse liked chattys joke

ugh LOL