ooookkkkk

haha

By the way I was stationed in the Aleutian islands at Shemya AFB>

HaridaspalSounds like me LOL:

Finally, a definition of globalization









Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?





Answer: Princess

Diana's death.





Question: How come?





Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.



This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....





That, my friends, is Globalization!

Please..Please Play nice LOL

Why, Why,
Why

do
we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?


Why
do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough
money?

Why
does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check
when you say the paint is wet?

Why
doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why
do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?


Why
doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why
does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver
at him?

Why
do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose
idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If
people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?

Is
there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Why
do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to
eat will have materialized?

Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one
more chance?

Why
is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
try?

How
do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


When
we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then
apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all
right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"


Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?


In
winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

How
come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And
my FAVORITE......
The
statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you.

Universal Eyes: Yuk LOL

Gentlegiant101: Very inlightening LOL

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.:

Can you cry under water?






How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?






Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?






Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes your family picked out to bury you in for eternity?






Why does a round pizza come in a square box?






What disease did cured ham actually have?






How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?






Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?






If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?






Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?






Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?






Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.






Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?






Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?






If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?






If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?






Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?






Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs in Disney!






If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy himself some dinner?






If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?






If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?






Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?






Why did you just try singing the two songs above?






Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

The Stranger (excellent reading for anyone)



A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to
our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with
this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the
world a few months later.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind,
he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom
taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with
adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always
knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed
able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each
other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read
her books (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for
cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced
strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you were to walk into my parent's den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?....

We just call him, "TV."

**Note: This should be required reading for every household in America!**

He has a younger sister now. We call her, "computer."

While still president, Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.

At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly, baby."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!". The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting and , and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch."

Sarah1980:I loved that one

nobleheart:Poor kitty

nobleheart: WOW

Sarah1980: That was a good one

Drunk Cowboy

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're
only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The
usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you
don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and
in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to
move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas
Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then
asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving
a muscle, Sam replied,

"... the balcony..."

<Blonde Jokes (or are they factual reports?) A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle
spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger. "He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot
chocolate and then............", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted
flakes back in the box.
  ASTROLOGY > >Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helllloooooooooo, can you see Florida......?????
CAR TROUBLE > >A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it
for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
  SPEEDING TICKET > >A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her
license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
  KNITTING > >A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was
astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN > >A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were
the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going
to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM > >A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she
landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you
hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! > >A girl was visiting
her blonde friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"   "Hellllloooooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

"How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?"


Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?


Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any,
and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to
take advantage of the situation.


Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.


Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb!


Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.


Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.


Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....


Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle. .


Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner
and a massage?"

harley:Glad you liked it.

These are actual notes left for the Milkman






"Dear Milkman,
I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

***
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

***

"Please don't leave any more milk.
All they do is drink it."

***

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before,
but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it
around in my pocket for weeks."



"Sorry about yesterday's note.
I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way 'round."

***

"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom
window and wake me because
I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

***

"Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed
last night's SOPRANOS.
If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?"



"My daughter says she wants a milkshake.
Do you do it before you
deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?"

***

"Please send me a form for cheap milk,
for I have a baby two months old and
did not know about it until a neighbor told me."

***

"Milk is needed for the baby.
Father is unable to supply it."

***

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and
one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays
and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."



"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge,
get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on
kitchen table, because we want to play
bingo tonight."

***

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today,
I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"

***

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler,
let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door.
P.S. Don't leave any milk."

***

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either
as he is dead until further notice."

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with
two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem
swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis
here ice chest and I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's
de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to
see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou, stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but we aren't as dumb as
most.

That was a good one and a bad one, Harley LOL

 
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, 
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, 
which they called 'Yam.' 
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. 
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked,
 so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, 
and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' 
and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
 Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into 
the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! 
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home 
and become a Couch Potato either. 
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be 
skinny like her Shoestring cousins. 
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato 
told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. 
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. 
And when she went out west, 
to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. 
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow 
and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, 
or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise 
their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' 
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. 
(that's Potato University) so that when she graduated 
she'd really be in the Chips. 
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam 
came home and announced she was going to marry 
Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. 
Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't 
possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.... 

Are you ready for this? 
Are you sure?............................ 
OK! Here it is! Scroll Down....





A COMMON TATER!

Old Man 4 was funny as ...LOL

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes and candy bars at the front.
 
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. While contemplating surgery for being to fat.
 
Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.
 
Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
 
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and  buns in packages of eight. Don't forget screws in three's and nails by the dozen.
 
Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
 
Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 
EVER WONDER ...
 
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
 
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
 
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
 
Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice"?
 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
 
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
 
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
 
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
 
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
 
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
 
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
 
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
 

Once again, it's time to review the winners of the Annual Stella Awards.
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
coffee on herself &successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the
Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United
States.

6th place
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 &
medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda
Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the
wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

5th place
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He could not reenter the house because the door connecting the house &
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family were on vacation & Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a
case of Pepsi he found & a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the house
owners insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th place
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 & medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The
award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
a little provoked at the time, as Mr. Williams who had climbed over the
fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd place
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500, after she slipped on a soft drink & broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd place
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a
neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor &
knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was
trying to crawl through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 & dental expenses.

1st place
This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor Home. On
his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway,
he set the cruise control at 70 mph & calmly left the drivers seat to go
into the back & make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV
left the freeway, crashed & then overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not advising him, by reading the owner's manual, that he actually
could not do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago
Motor Home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of
this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their
recreation vehicles.

Medieval Chastity Belt
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was
showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except
it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made
it basically useless.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this
opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when
I'm on a long quest?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most
worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He
inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon
a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can
leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out
upon a lengthy Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop
their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or
damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only
true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.
What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

The Worlds thinnest books
21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by HILLARY CLINTON
16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES -by DR. J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY


2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ....

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The Rev.
Jessie Jackson

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male drop their
antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to December.
Females retain
their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore,
according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,
EVERY single one
of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known.
ONLY
women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three
days.But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is
your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak
to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,
who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the
Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends
the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days.
What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a voluptuous redhead, even more attractive than
the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You
are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
What
is your last request."
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to
the
Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, theLone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last
time, I said
BRING POSSE!


I don't give a.. what Solus thinks of this f...joke

Thanx Dano LOL

Wait a minute..what are you sayin, solus? I didn't call you anything

That's OK I suspected this reaction..Dano wasn't here to stop me lol

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU... I WILL MAKE YOU
ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN and GROAN. I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR
MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP. I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU
WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH
YOU.
AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU
Now get your mind out of the gutter...and GO GET YOUR FLU
SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm glad you know who Maxine is skip LOL

Martha's Way  
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way  
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet  up eating it, anyway! 
Martha's Way  
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way  
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. 
Martha's Way   
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake
Maxine's Way  
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you. 
Martha's Way   
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine's Way  
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!" 
 Martha's Way  
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way  
Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha's Way  
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way  
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
Martha's Way  
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way  
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
Martha's Way  
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way  
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Martha's Way  
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 
Maxine's Way  
Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!.

Is my Geoge Carlin Joke a fake, SOLUS?

* Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
* If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman
around to hear him...is he still wrong?
* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered
a hostage situation?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean
them?
* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
* Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
* Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
* If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't
the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
* Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya
Basin,Boudreaux made a confession.We all been friends for tirty year
and
been tru a lot. Inever told ya'll dis befo 'cause I don't wanna ruin
our
friendship, but I'm gay." Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and say,
"We
kinda figured dat out a while back, but wadn't gonna say nuttin' 'cause
we
didn't wanna embarrass you." Boudreaux thanked them for their
understanding
and continued, "Da reason I'mtollin' ya'll dis is 'cause I got AIDS and
I
got six munt to liv. Ya'll daonly family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets
and
I
wanna be cremate. Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from dat bridge
up
dair into dis swamp where we've spent so much time together." Fontenot
and
Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their frie!
nd
as asked. Sho' nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Fontenot was about to throw them
out
when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, you gotta say sumtin," he say. "I
donno
what to say. I never was much about goin' to church" Fontenot
admitted.
Thibodeaux, he scratch his head, "Just say somtin'....anyting. Make
it
rhyme." Fontenot, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem
ashes
out over da swamp and say,"Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, If you liked women, You'd be here wit us."

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,was nervous so he
decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't." "Well," he spoofed, "there's
a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves
and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh,
well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion
of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was
just envisioning how condoms are made!" Gotta watch those little old ladies!
Their minds are always working!

The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.




With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.


She tripped and fell -- got up,
and then In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.





He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here"

A double OMY!! LOL

OMY LOL

Dear Abby
 
 
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat.
He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's even worse,
everyone knows he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four years ago,
he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bulls*** with his pals,
while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me
and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.
You don't need him anymore.
For Pete's sake, you're a United States Senator from New York now.

As a volunteer at the local hospital, a man sang songs and told jokes to entertain the patients.
One day as he was leaving, the man said to a patient "I hope you get better.
The patient replied "I hope you get better, too

Great one, Brian

NO NO good you missed my last one LOL