Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for
my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when
a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do and the line was long, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and
IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food
is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with
my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the
parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.