Jim Dandy:

Sensational !

Purple: yes my dear you know me so well. i do love his jokes.

LOL tat is absolutely wonderful

Jim Dandy: 

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

Summertop: Foxworthy rules! Princess loves him! LOL

Summertop: ROFL!!!!

PrincessKammy72: Redneck jokes?

From foxworthy...
If you refer to the fifth grade as "Your Senior Year"...you might be a redneck
If you walk INTO a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth...you might be a redneck
If you call your boss, "Dude"...
If your family tree does not fork...

Unknown Author...
If your T.V. that works sits ON TOP OF your T.V. that doesn't work...you might be a redneck.

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? If it was invented anywhere else, it would be called a Teethbrush.

PrincessKammy72: It is great to have you back and I know you will not go poof unless you have to.

hello all..glad to be back in action. hope ev1 is doing great these days. and i am going to do all i can not to go poof again lol. so...anyone have any good redneck jokes these days hehehe

Jim Dandy: 

Stardust: Earl has a point

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer,then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8
hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it
had tax, insurance and the radio was still in
it. 

Thad: I can't get through - the number is always busy!

Need help with your math homework? Just call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

coan.net: Yeah, but if I had mentioned that too I probable would have been considered a jerk and I decided I'd rather not mention it then be a jerk.

Thad: Same as when wrote "ATM machine" down below.

ATM = Automatic Teller Machine

So saying "ATM Machine" is like saying Automatic Teller Machine Machine

> pin number

Calling it a PIN number is being redundantly redundant.

Finally, a definition of globalization









Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?





Answer: Princess

Diana's death.





Question: How come?





Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.



This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....





That, my friends, is Globalization!

rod03801:



something funny


(as requested)

PLUS the reason the drive up ATM would have braille on the keys is that it is more cost efficient to only make one set of keys. NOT braille keys and non-braille keys.

LOL.. we have really ripped this joke to pieces!

Someone post something funny!

redfrog: Not many things are more sacred than your pin number

Stardust: so why would the driver with no visual impairment force their not so blessed back seat passenger to use the braille system instead of being a good sport and doing the deed themselves?

Please..Please Play nice LOL

Stardust: Ooh, Leave it to me to not even think of the backseat!

Walter Montego: Acutally a person from the back seat can also use the atm. And a person doesn't have to be completely blind to make use of the braille system.

Walter Montego:

Actually, if you were to have a blind person as a passenger and went through the atm backwards, they could use the machine, what I always wondered was how do they know what the screen says? lol

Skyking:
Something I've always wondered about is:

Why does a drive up ATM machine have Braille dots on the driver's side?

Why, Why,
Why

do
we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?


Why
do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough
money?

Why
does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check
when you say the paint is wet?

Why
doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why
do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?


Why
doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why
does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver
at him?

Why
do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose
idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If
people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?

Is
there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Why
do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to
eat will have materialized?

Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one
more chance?

Why
is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
try?

How
do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


When
we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then
apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all
right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"


Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?


In
winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

How
come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And
my FAVORITE......
The
statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you.

I've got a really good joke, but I'll post it next week.

Procrastinators Unite!!!!!!

tomorrow....

I know I have to look up this word in a dictionary. As soon as I will, I'll reply to the post.

Walter Montego: i cant even imagine how many people have intentions to reply to this topic.... i tried yesterday....

Thad: I was going to join the Procrastinator's Club, but I never got around to it. Apparently this qualifies me for membership. I might get in yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Thad: LOLOL!!!!!

Top ten ways to procrastinate:

1.

Rt Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,

Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),

Nobel House

17 Smith Square

London SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007


Dear Secretary of State,


My
friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for
£3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now
like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.


In your
opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which
is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach
this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by
the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.


I would
prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not
rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any
advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester
Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?


As
I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an
accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any
Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very
satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years
or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.  That is -
until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I
get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing
100?


I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about
£240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing
pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000
pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4
million from your department.


Incidentally, I wonder if I
would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs
not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These
pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I
understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I
qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I
don't  rear?


I am also considering the "not milking cows"
business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please
could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields?
Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I
seem to have several thousand hectares)?


In view of the
above, you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will
therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be
voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill.
 
 

 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her son Kevin, and his younger brother Ryan. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake (because they're boys), and the mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She taught them, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin's eyes got really big, then he turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" get it? he wants his brother to be Jesus knowing full well he would be offered the first pancake!

Oceans Apart: good play on words. you don't see that as much . it was a staple of comedy for a long time. mook

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

For the Froggie speakers amongst you..................


A thief, in Paris , planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and  made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of petrol.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
 
He replied:

"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh."

 

Oceans Apart: very good

Council Tax Revaluation

Council tax re-valuers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run
by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate,
but the police still do not do anything.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist
comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son's
future wife but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in
 nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control. ..........





Who'd live near Windsor Castle ?  
 

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he
said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available George
said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just
shot
them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot

them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT

Son asks father difference between ‘confidence’ and ‘confidential’.
Dad says: You are my son, I am confident. Your friend is also my son, that’s confidential.

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank