Hunter,

My condolences about yer loss. I use that word rather than "sorry" because I know that most people would see that as condecending pity.
I think you have a great knack for discription in yer writing. I wish to encourage you to continue writing as it used to help me in times of hardship as well as boredom. Writing is one of the few outlets that all thoughts can be expressed through and often...even writing things down helps to get them out. It can be a great healing process. Whether anyone else ever reads your writing or not. Whether what you write scares or embarrasses you. Whether you destroy the writings or use them to express your feelings to the one you lost. I cannot say that the pain will ever go away completely. I have lost my father and both my grandfathers. I lost my grandmother and grat aunts and uncles along the way. I will always feel sad for what I could have learned from them or other things...I still miss them, but in time the pain gets less.
Yet at the same time I am blessed fer knowing them at all and I am glad to have had the chance of meeting them much less spending time with them. I can only imagine what it would be like to meet a great-grandchild. My father met my son before he passed. For that I too am greatful.
I know not whether you are an athiest, Christian, Moslem, Jew, or whatnot. I consider myself a Christian. Not the best perhaps, but I try. I have many regrets about my father, but I also have many wonderful memories. It is the good things that stand out. I believe that he is aware of everything that I could not say while he was here. I know that he knew that I loved him. I know that he knew that I loved him too. I think that is more important than the harsh words that came between us later. It was still there always. Under the surface. It is important to remember that we loved them almost as much as why.
A part of me used to rail against how unfair death is. Now I know that it is a part of a natural process. That still does little to balm the pain. They say childhood ends the moment you become aware of your own mortality. I think it ends when someone close passes. With my grandfather I still tried to here much about him from those still alive who remembered things. My great Aunt would tell about how they grew up and he'd pick on her, his first job, childhood things...I think in a way, I truly learned more about who my grandfather was and about his life after he died. It made me regret his loss even more, but at the same time I had own memories of him. Everyone deals with loss differently. Some grab things because they remind them of the lost one. Some tell stories. Some keep around pictures and talk to their lost one...perhaps they can hear. Others shut down and isolate themselves. THis is not bad. But it is not always good. For a little while it can be okay, but it can become a trap that takes years to climb out of if ever. Some hide their own feelings by helping others deal with their own. They suppress them. It is not that they don't feel the same pain, but they put it away fer later. That is also not the best way to deal wihit, but these people often deal with their pain in tiny chunks rather than all at once. I fear that I ramble.
If you are a Christian I can give you these words...not Ecclesiates 3:1-8, Psalms 147:3-5, or I Corinthians 15:16-26 (although they are all good verses)...but:
Proverbs 3:5-7
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord and depart from evil.

Deuteronomy 4:9
Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life: but teach them thy sons, and thy sons' sons.

Proverbs 17:6
Children's children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers.

I hope this in some way helps. Know that my prayers will be for you along with my condolences.
May peace be with you and the Lord watch over you.
Feel free to pm me if you wish.
----Horseman