1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and mental illness.

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is CRAZY.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold
out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder
which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the
manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very
difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

just sec, let me go look in the mirror...

bankrupt: he is playing monopoly

Bankrupt...His credit cards were declined when he tried to check in...LOL

I must agree with thepanda, His puzzles were based on reality. In reality NO ONE lies about everything. EVERYONE will tell the truth sometimes. Now would you believe anyone that said they were totally honest in everything they said? I wouldn't.

Therefore, it would be up to the chief to decide if they were or were not lying in this statement.


sooo...are we getting caried away with this? LOL

OLD VERSION:



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,

building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances

and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm

and well fed.



The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in

the cold.



MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!



*********************************************
*****



MODERN VERSION:



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,

building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances

and plays the summer away.



Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press

conference and demands to know why the ant should be

allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and

starving.



CNN, CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of

the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in

his comfortable home with a table filled with food.



America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this

be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper

is allowed to suffer so?



Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,

and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being

Green."



Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration (for a donation fee

of $20,000) in front of the ant's house where the news

stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome."

Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for

the grasshopper's sake.



Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with

Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back

of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax

hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."



Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-

Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the

summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate

number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay

his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the

government.



Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper

in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried

before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a

list of single-parent welfare recipients.



The ant loses the case.



The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up

the last bits of the ant's food while the government

house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old

house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain

it.



The ant has disappeared in the snow.



The grasshopper is found dead in a d*** related incident

and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang

of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.





MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican

This Land

Mad Cow Desease

View it here

Since I am not very good at keeping my wife happy, I hang out in the corner of my house top (my office) a lot. :)

To quote the bible: "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house". Proverbs 21:9

That kinda matches my saying: Happy Wife, Happy Life!

stop, stop, your making my side hurt frm laughing...LOL

This happened to ME!

My brother and I were in rural Utah bow hunting. We were covered in camouflage from head to toe. We even had on cover scent to mask our "Human" odor. We had to go into town during the afternoon so we stopped in and bought hamburgers at a local diner. So, there we are waiting in line, wearing camo, and smelling "BAD". Someone actually, asked us, "So, ya'all been huntin?" Nope, this is our evening wear...

We couldn't stop laughing because we had listened to Bill Engvall and his "Here's your sign" monologue!

Nirvana: On the way to my cabin, I have to take a dirt road. On that road is this sign..."Muddy if wet".

My Get-Up And Go Has Got-Up And Went!


How do I know that my youth is all spent?
My get-up and go has got-up and went
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
When I think of where my get-up has been!

Old age is golden, so I have heard said
Yet I sometimes wonder when I get out of bed
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup
My eyes on the table, until I wake up.
As sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself
Is there anything else I should have laid on the shelf?

But I am happy to say as I close my door
My friends are the same, perhaps even more
When I was young my slippers were red
I would kick my heels, right over my head.

As I grew older my slippers were blue
Still I could dance the whole evening through.
Now I am older, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store, and puff my way back!

The reason I know my youth is all spent,
My get-up and go has got-up and went
But I really don't mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my get-up has been.

Since I have retired from life's competition
I busy myself with life's repetition.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
Pick up the paper and read the Obits
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed!

THERE'S A NEW SET OF RULES NOW!!

Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work

Strong hints do not work

Obvious hints do not work

Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42 Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt head
30. Military intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. Extinct life
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. New classic
16. Temporary tax increase
15. French bravery
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron

1. Microsoft Works

If you remember this show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.They are well worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents.


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.




Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.




Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.




Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.




Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.




Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.




Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.




Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.




Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?





Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.




Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.




Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C’mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes to wear,
if we don’t do laundry right now!


What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

I just went to www.ap.org and did a search....nada. It is not conclusive. However, the story IS funny.

...and...was it real?

I kinda like MythBusters.

Dear sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I ama bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using the pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Diue to my suprise at being jerked of the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vacinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was proceeding downward at en equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 fo the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in paragraph two of this correspondance. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom of the barrel fell out. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vacinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractued ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly, The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertibrea were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to moveand watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope.

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer department be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

the volunteers arrived in a diapidated old fire truck. they rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts. Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so greatful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1000.

A local news reported asked the volunteer captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That outta be obviuos," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the breaks on the truck fixed!"

Who is afraid of Mad Cow Desease? Well, here is how you can tell if you cow has it..http://www.jasbits.com/rik/humor/madcow.html