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 JokesA place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-) Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children. All jokes should be family friendly. No profanity No jokes of a sexual nature KEEP IT PG rated Thanks! Вам не разрешено писать сообщения на этом форуме. Минимальный статус, требуемый для того, чтобы писать на этом форуме - Мозговой Конь. Режим: Каждый может объявить
<< < 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 > >> 25. Сентября 2006, 10:47:13 A man enters his local bar holding a frog and and iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist. 25. Сентября 2006, 08:34:06 Субъект: Re: Three bears, at breakfast time ArnieTxx:LOL I love it! But,where does it say that Baby bear was a boy? 25. Сентября 2006, 08:29:45 Субъект: What is my "profile"? Brain King shows me where to go to see my "profile". But what is my Profile? It would seem to me that a pro....file is a professional file which gets paid for what it does. Otherwise it would be an amateur...file! Or is my pro....file being paid somehow? 24. Сентября 2006, 15:06:56 Субъект: Three bears, at breakfast time Papa Bear came down the stairs, yawning. He entered the dining room, and saw that there was no food on the table. In a grumpy voice, he said, "Someone has stolen my porridge." Soon after that, Baby Bear came to the dining room, and said "Someone has stolen my porridge, too." Then Mama Bear came down the stairs, looking very tired. She entered the dining room, and saw that her husband and son both were quite upset. So Mama Bear said "Complaints, complaints, even before I make breakfast!" 24. Сентября 2006, 12:47:53 Субъект: Re: Mom and son on train ArnieTxx:  24. Сентября 2006, 04:16:06 Субъект: Mom and son on train A lady and her little boy were traveling by train, sharing the compartment with 2 men. One of the men decided that the boy looked very strange, but didn't mention it. The other man was much more direct, telling the mother, "You have a very ugly son." The mother burst into tears. After she had stopped crying, she demanded an apology from the man for insulting her. He refused to apologize. When the conductor approached the compartment to punch tickets, the lady told him that a fellow passenger had insulted her. The conductor replied, "This is terrible. On this railway, we always wish to ensure that our passengers have a pleasant trip. We focus on good customer service. To make up for the problem you have had with another passenger, I am offering you a free meal in our dining car. I can probably find a banana for your monkey, too." 23. Сентября 2006, 16:12:46 Субъект: Little Mary at school Little Mary was in class, chewing green bubble gum. Her feet were sticking out into the aisle of the classroom. So the teacher said, "Mary, take that gum out of your mouth, and put your feet in!" 22. Сентября 2006, 23:34:07 Субъект: Johnny's first day at school Dad: Johnny, how was your first day at school? What did you learn? Johnny: Today I learned a lot of new words. Dad: What words have you learned, then? Johnny: Disrupt, misbehave, annoy, atrocious, nervous breakdown and sabbatical. 22. Сентября 2006, 19:47:55 Субъект: Re: Stardust:  22. Сентября 2006, 19:36:46 There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am a 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, " Edna" The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those people at the Post Office. Sincerely yours "Edna". 22. Сентября 2006, 19:24:37 Субъект: To get back to laughter!  A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on 21. Сентября 2006, 16:25:00 Субъект: Re: Anger Management skipinnz: i didn't do nuttin,wasn't even there,what lawn where ?/ ha ha. a little muggs mcginnis mook 21. Сентября 2006, 07:03:32 Субъект: hearing the news! A friend of mine just called to ask if I heard the latest news. "Yes I did" I told him. "Wasn't it awesome!" "What are you referring to?" I asked with a bit of bewilderment. The news that you and I just heard. "Oh that....." "What do you mean by that?" my friend asked becoming a bit exasperated with me. "Just that I heard the news in question, but that I didn't listen to it." 21. Сентября 2006, 06:42:52 Субъект: Re: oops Stardust: And again I find myself wondering why I can't draw a gun to save my life. Out of desperation to find some sort of talent for art I went to Art..hur Murray's dance school. After the experience I decided that such a search was to a degree ARTificial and became peaceful with those talents that I have. 21. Сентября 2006, 02:42:24 Субъект: oops A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." He never heard the shot.... 20. Сентября 2006, 23:49:44 Субъект: Golf Two men were golfing one day. When they got to the 12th tee, it was right next to a road. It was a busy day at the course, so they had to wait to tee off. While they were waiting for their turn, a funeral procession comes down the road. As soon as it gets there, the first golfer stands up and places his hat over his heart. He stands there like that until the funeral procession passes. The second golfer comments, "That was sure nice of you!". The first one replies, "It was the least I could do for my Wife". 20. Сентября 2006, 23:09:35 Субъект: Re: Anger Management mook53lhd: So you're the guy who got a half ton of manure dumped on my pesky neighbours front yard. LOL 20. Сентября 2006, 23:03:10 Субъект: Re: Anger Management Summertop: yes it was just when phone calls rose to a dime. sometimes we'd send tons of food to one of the stores & watch the fun.we only did that to merchants who weren't kid friendly. mook53lhd 20. Сентября 2006, 19:08:26 Субъект: Re: Anger Management Сделано для Summertop (20. Сентября 2006, 19:08:48) mook53lhd: That must have been before caller id, also. I used to get TONS of prank calls. Kids would call... I would get the phone number off the caller id, do a reverse lookup (to get the address). Then call them back and say, "Do you know, I know where you live? You live at...". Invariably the line would go dead! then I would have a good 20. Сентября 2006, 18:59:21 Субъект: Re: Anger Management The Listener: i`m sorry of all my phone capers,i never thought of that . but-- we'd get togethor when we were teens & make prank calls. i'd say hi i'm joe blaugh from the utility co. we've been getting complaints from your sector of brownouts etc. has your place been hit .then they get nervous,. expecting their house to go dark. i go on .then tell them that sometimes the st. lamps can short things out. i go through how & why etc. finally .oh its pouring rain when i did this 1. i ask them where their nearest lamppost is .i know they can't see it from the window as i live across the st. so i say listen . you don't want your grid to get hit & ruin your food,no tv etc go outside & tell me if your lampost is on or off. no cordless phones then. so the guys outside in the rain with the phone. he says his cord won't reach. i said i need you to put the phone down get over where you can see ,come back & report if its on or off from my window we see the guy doing this.he comes back drenched out of breadth. i say so which is it?. he says gee i hope its ok its on. i reply no it ain't blow it out %^*&%$$#(i know the kids). cruel yes deranged yes. but we didn't have gameboxes or cell phones to dally with .capers also were a rite of passage. i had a phone for awhile .i could stick a mike or recorder on the phone & record the happenings to put in the next time capsule. hope you found the story amusing, as every 1 of us has some caperman or women in them. i'm sure most of you ---baby boomers for sure can relate mook53lhd 20. Сентября 2006, 12:53:33 20. Сентября 2006, 07:45:20 Субъект: Re: King Reza: Great! Please translate some more! 19. Сентября 2006, 21:10:02 Субъект: Re: Universal Eyes: Yuk LOL 19. Сентября 2006, 13:20:11 Well, I don't know of any English jokes, but I'll translate one into English and see what'll happen: A man sees his young friend on the street wearing black from tip to toe. So he asks: "Oh, what's the matter? Why are you wearing all black?" He answers: "Ahh, nothing. My father just died. I'm coming back from the funeral." "Then why are your pants torn?" his friend asks again. "Well, poor dady, God rest his soul, wouldn't let us bury him." 19. Сентября 2006, 13:16:03 Субъект: Re: Universal Eyes:  19. Сентября 2006, 13:13:49 Субъект: Re: Three Women in Mexico.... Nirvana: 19. Сентября 2006, 11:17:13 Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious." 19. Сентября 2006, 10:49:17 Субъект: Three Women in Mexico....  (dumb blonde !) Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Michigan and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.” 16. Сентября 2006, 15:47:24 Субъект: Joke of the Day! A robber about to steal a TV hears, "Jesus is watching." He pauses, sees nothing, continues and hears again, "Jesus is watching." Spying a parroot in the corner the robber asks, "Who are you?" "Clarence," replied the bird. Almost to himself the robber asks "Who would name a parrot Clarence?" To which the bird replied, "The same guy who would name a Rottweiler Jesus 14. Сентября 2006, 21:10:00 Субъект: Re: Think about it Gentlegiant101: Very inlightening LOL 14. Сентября 2006, 07:11:46 Субъект: Re: Think about it Skyking:round pizzas in square boxes because square pizzas don't fit in round boxes! Morality from morons? Depends on what constitutes the morality in question. I may write mor....on that on another occasion! Thanks for your patients. I hope they get well real soon! Can you cry under water? I sincerely can't answer that question. Nothing is stopping you from having a whale of a time trying to find out however! Though the professor on Gilligan's Island was a very knowledgable man he wanted to keep the boat: hole and intact. P.S. The boat, the S.S. Minnow is up for sale. It has been restored,not by a professor, and it is up for sale. The person selling it lives in Canada. And the hole is gone! Yes this post script leans towards perversion because there is nothing in it that constitutes comedy. But lets'get funny. Not wanting one's two cents worth leads one to ask where the other penny went to? If I knew I might go and meet her and make her aquaintance. Things can get lonely here at times. Maybe that Penny would make a difference....if she isn't taken. She is probably an employee of the Federal government! If I didn't answer all of your questions tell me and I'll complete the list of answers required. In the meantime don't worry if your mind draws a blank. I was lousy at drawing and couldn't draw a gun to save my life! 8. Сентября 2006, 16:26:47 Субъект: Re: Think about it Skyking: Yes, you can cry underwater. Not only this, but you can cry underwater without people knowing you cry underwater!! I suppose you have to be important enough to have no spare time to write these questions. What does the first expression ('two cents') mean? You get these funny white clothes when you're in heaven, remember? Most likely it's for easier storage, or for pizza makers' stupidity. I don't know what's cured ham. Because we're dumb! A baby sleeps about 16 hours a day, as far as I remember. Maybe it's called 'the presenting'... For the same reason you're not IN the screen. They do it for the same reason they buy McDonalds and die from eating. Because if they se you, it's called stripping. Misprint in the dictionary, most likely. Uh, right... No decent human... Just kidding. It's used for torments. Who's Jimmy? See the reason for man on moon and luggage. Pointing at the crotch would be unpleasantly ambiguous. Goofy made Pluto get used to be in doggy position... Hehe... He does it for the challenge. Haven't you read the ingredients? I guess so! The one who wrote the tune wasn't creative. I didn't! Haha! I already knew they have the same tune! If you blow his face from the side, would he still be mad? 7. Сентября 2006, 12:37:37 Субъект: Re: Summertop: nothin,like a wry wit mook53lhd 6. Сентября 2006, 23:22:56 Субъект: Think about it Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.: Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes your family picked out to bury you in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs in Disney! If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy himself some dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? 6. Сентября 2006, 19:43:25 Субъект: Re:Beans Gentlegiant101: as much as I might like to take credit for that story...I am not the woman who fell in love and had to choose between baked beans and her sweetheart...lol. 5. Сентября 2006, 10:50:11  I went to the cash machine this morning and this little old lady asked me if i could check her balance, so i pushed her over...... 1. Сентября 2006, 14:04:34 Субъект: Wise elephant ;) The elephant to the naked man: - Awww, how cute, can you pick up peanuts with that? 29. Августа 2006, 07:09:26 Субъект: Upside down pride parade? Well, if your feet smell and your nose runs than you are one that can be viewed as upside down. I can't help but wonder how many people around the globe are using their runny nose to see if their feet smell! The question is how many are proud to be upside down and are ready to flaunt it? 28. Августа 2006, 20:10:45 Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time." 28. Августа 2006, 05:03:14 Субъект: Re: not as aloof as assummed! rabbitoid: Many English speaking people, here in North America anyways, pride themselves on being "COOL CATS" That may be the reason for them talking "cat"! 27. Августа 2006, 22:14:43 Субъект: Re: yoyudax: At least you weren't on CANDID CAMERA! 27. Августа 2006, 20:24:52 Субъект: Re: not as aloof as assummed! rabbitoid:I'll answer you in a message. 27. Августа 2006, 20:17:55 Субъект: Re: not as aloof as assummed! King Reza: Oh, that's just to confuse the tourists. Is farsi phonetic? 27. Августа 2006, 18:42:49 Субъект: Re: not as aloof as assummed! Сделано для King Reza (27. Августа 2006, 18:43:14) rabbitoid:And I never figured out why French people write so many letters in a word but don't read almost half of them! 27. Августа 2006, 18:40:54 Субъект: Re: not as aloof as assummed! Сделано для rabbitoid (27. Августа 2006, 18:41:17) Gentlegiant101: Thanks for clearing up this mystery for me! I had never figured out why english speakers want to cat to each other. 27. Августа 2006, 18:27:18 Субъект: not as aloof as assummed! Here in Quebec, Canada and in certain other areas of the globe I have noticed that cute little kitty cats have a strong interest in talking with other kitty cats by means of Messenger. this was a mysterious phenonymon for quite some time. Than it dawned on me. And sure enough. the French word for "cats" is "chats"! 24. Августа 2006, 17:47:56 Субъект: smart blonde joke a blonde goes into a bank in New York City. She asks for a 150,000 loan and wants to leave her rolls royce as collateral. They agree and give her the loan. She returns a week later with the 150,000 plus 15.00 interest. The loan officer says to her, "we checked you out while you were gone and had more than enough money, why did you need the loan?" She replied, "where else can you park your car for a week in the city and only pay 15.00?" 24. Августа 2006, 17:42:31 Субъект: out of the mouths of babes.... A Sunday school teacher was discussing the 10 commandments with her 3rd grade class....she didn't want to go into a discussion about the commandment about not committing adultery, so she skipped that one....one girl spoke up and said that she knew what that one was. She said, "though shall not admit adultery" 24. Августа 2006, 00:26:25 Субъект: Re: Stardust:It actually works either way  23. Августа 2006, 23:50:09 Субъект: Re: smart men??? Thad: and you can bet she wouldn't mind asking for directions had there been anyone nearby  << < 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 > >> |
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