Cranky Franky: even their burial ... ... ~*~

The following is a list of undocumented Windows XP error codes
which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation.

WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More ! More ! More !
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error
- System has been destroyed. Buy a new one.
Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not ! Is Not !
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten
- Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error
- You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error
- A virus has been activated in a dos-box.
The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
automatically be closed and the virus will be re-activated
WinErr 079: Mouse not found
- A mouse driver has not been installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow
- Too many errors encountered.
Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 666: Error of the Beast.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another game ?
WinErr 683: Time out error
- Operator fell asleep while waiting
for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 500,312,583 Bytes available

'
Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of
the three dependents I claimed on my 2004 Federal Income Tax
return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my
children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who, evidently, is now taxing
me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and
what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to
reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they
are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
peoples questions about their returns. While she has had no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over,
keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you
have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her
to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This
is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling
it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who
had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes
are a little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In
February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing
houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local
IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it.
You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing
your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all
his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in
your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones.
(I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable
amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10,
going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny
Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help you
offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on
Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You
can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are
denying! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the
other two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of
terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty
understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I
don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her
roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her
ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos
that worries me but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck
when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I
think it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out
what it's really made of.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the
two youngest, I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense
but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest at least I have
time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you
take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to
cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an
airplane.

Yours Truly,

*
Applying for Darwin Awards (Thanks, Feuervogel)
*


ONE:
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6,
9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen
nuggets", said the teenager at the counter. "You don't ?" I replied. "We only have six,
nine, or twelve", was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six ?"
"That's right". So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO:
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items And the lady behind me put
her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the
cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider looking it all over for the bar code so
she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is ?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said OK, and
I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE:
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy Drive and pulling it out very
quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,she said she was shopping on the Internet
and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.

FOUR:
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help ?"
I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.
Now I can't get into my car". "Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this ?" "Hmmm, I dunno." "Do you have an alarm, too ?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took
the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE:
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and
turned to a secretary and said, I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do ? Just use copier
machine paper, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

SIX:
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.
The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked
like an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver
had set the cruise control and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.
Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night
he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown ?

EIGHT:
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message He's lying was placed in
the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE:
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the
emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some
Benadryl and should be fine. The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer ..."
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency !

many people have no life but pondering which dictionary I might use ...
hereby I declare myself generously willing to appease their curiosity
http://www.butterfliesandwheels.com/dictionary.php ... ~*~ _

after I adjusted my antichatlist aka hidelist ...
the 20th century and oscar highhistory let nostalgics still dream what
kind of great honorations they might have missed ... some alternatives

The Top 16 Why-Didn't-We-Have Oscar Nominations

16. Best Imitation of Acting by a Bad Martial Artist -- Steven Seagal

15. Best Grip -- Monica Lewinsky

14. Breast Supporting Actress -- Demi Moore

13. Actor Slammed Most Often in a Top 5 List -- Pauly Shore

12. Largest Ego Squeezed Onto a Movie Set -- Val Kilmer

11. Best Animated Film With No Plans for a Subsequent National
Tour With "On Ice" After Its Name -- no nominations this year

10. Best Use of Erect Nipples in a Feature Length Film to Draw
Attention from Face -- Helen Hunt, "As Good As It Gets"

9. Best Performance by a Baldwin or Wayans -- Alec (again)

8. Best Performance in a Romance -- Pamela Anderson Lee;
Best Animated Long Feature -- Tommy Lee

7. Best Performance by a Frosty Bobbing Cadaver
-- Colin Winthorpe, "Titanic"

6. Best Occupation for Your Character When Playing Opposite a
Babe -- Leonardo DiCaprio's nude sketch artist, "Titanic"

5. Fastest to be Dumped When Boyfriend Reached Stardom
-- Minnie Driver, by Matt Damon

4. Most Thorough Research by an Actor Who May Someday Play
a Cowering Pretty-Boy Cellmate -- Robert Downey, Jr.

3. Special "American Gigolo" Award -- James Brolin

2. Vocal Performance from a Movie Soundtrack That Most Makes
One Envious of Those Who Drowned in the Film Because They
Never Had to Hear This Overdramatic Crap Over and Over
-- Celine Dion, "Titanic"

and the Winner is

1. Fullest Monty -- Dirk Diggler, "Boogie Nights"

between a moderator and an escalator ?
( "I cAn hear it" is no valid response. ) ... ~*~ .

sorry - got it delayed ... great one ... ... ~*~

don't forget to tell her if you don't see the joke in my delfection of silly chat ... ~*~

Tuesday: oh you play with gas very often I see ... fascinating - at an age ... ~*~

- identifying hmmm less but actually the blaze seems to be calling quite often ... ~*~

*

*

BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door

OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

MOTHER AND CHILD
Crusted in boogers,
Stained with Kool-Aid, baby has face
Only Mama loves

BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Numb-nut Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again

A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you are my cousin

HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Gall dern Jeff Gordon

OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton

DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock

DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his butt

NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler

IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed

on irc usually just children chat only, indeed . . on a gameserver though they
belong to the rather serious clientel, due to their genuine understanding of what
it is for - which is not too easy to grasp on the ancient.irc@insider.com, btw ... ~*~

fun enough for all chat people too,
why not do something for the other side as
well I thought in that my very own social way. ~*~

*
~*~
*
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-a97f9137.ns2.intrex.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-intx-194-0-27.ns2.intrex.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<silverbullet> y do u kick me
<silverbullet> can't you discus normally
<silverbullet> answer!
<statue-sweller> we didn't kick you
<statue-sweller> you had a ping timeout:
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-a97f9137.ns2.intrex.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
<silverbullet> what ping man
<silverbullet> the timing of my pc is right
<silverbullet> i even have dst
<silverbullet> you banned me
<silverbullet> amit it you son of a silverbullet
<PitPitPooh> LOL
<PitPitPooh> **** you're stupid, DST^^
<silverbullet> shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
<silverbullet> for two weaks already
<silverbullet> when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
<statue-sweller> You're a real computer expert
<silverbullet> shut up i hack you
<statue-sweller> ok, I'll be quiet, hope you don't show us what a good a hacker you are ^^
<silverbullet> tell me your network number man then your dead
<statue-sweller> Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
<statue-sweller> or maybe 127.0.0.1
<statue-sweller> yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for your great attack
<silverbullet> in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
<statue-sweller> Now I'm frightened
<silverbullet> shut up you'll be gone
<silverbullet> i have a program where i enter your ip and your dead
<silverbullet> say goodbye
<statue-sweller> to whom ?
<silverbullet> to you man
<silverbullet> buy buy
<statue-sweller> I'm shivering thinking about such great haXX0rs like you
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-intx-194-0-27.ns2.intrex.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

What happened is clear: silverbullet entered his own
IP-Adress into his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC.
Undeterred, two minutes later he returned.

* silverbullet (~java@usirc-b5cd558e.ns2.intrex.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<silverbullet> dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you'd be gone
<cloudymoon> lol
<statue-sweller> silverbullet: Then try hacking me again...
I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
<silverbullet> you're so stupid man
<silverbullet> say buy buy
<cloudymoon> ah, back off
<silverbullet> buy buy statue-sweller
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-b5cd558e.ns2.intrex.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave
of attack. Being a 133t hacker, who usually cracks whole
data centers, he knew what his problem was now.

* silverbullet (~java@usirc-9ff3c180.ns2.intrex.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<silverbullet> statue-sweller you son of a silverbullet
<cloudymoon> silverbullet how old are you?
<statue-sweller> What's up silverbullet ?
<silverbullet> you have a frie wal
<silverbullet> fire wall
<statue-sweller> maybe, i don't know
<silverbullet> i'm 37
<cloudymoon> such behaviour with 37?
<statue-sweller> how did you find out that I have a firewall ?
<cloudymoon> tststs this is not very nice missy
<silverbullet> because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
<silverbullet> be a man turn that **** off
<statue-sweller> cool, didn't know this was possible.
<silverbullet> thn my virus destroys your pc man
<cloudymoon> are you hacking yourselves?
<statue-sweller> yes silverbullet is trying to hack me
<cloudymoon> he silverbullet if you're a hacker you have
to get around a firewall even i can do that
<silverbullet> yes man i hack the statue-sweller but the sucker has a fire wall the
<cloudymoon> what firewall do you have?
<silverbullet> like a girl
<cloudymoon> firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it...you girl^^
<Puzzle Joe> silverbullet give yourself a jackson and chill you're letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
<silverbullet> turn the firewall off then i send you a virus ****er
<statue-sweller> Noo
<cloudymoon> he silverbullet why turn it off, you should turn it off
<silverbullet> your afraid
<silverbullet> i don't wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
<silverbullet> statue-sweller turn off your **** wall!
<cloudymoon> i wanted to say something about this, do you know
the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that's
an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
<silverbullet> shut up
<cloudymoon> lol
<silverbullet> my grandma surfs with fire wall
<silverbullet> and you suckers think you're cool and don't
dare going into the internet without a fire wall

statue-sweller doesn't have a firewall at all,
only his router, but he lies and eggs him on.

<statue-sweller> silverbullet, a collegue showed me how
to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
<cloudymoon> silverbullet can't hack
<JerryMo> nice play on words ^^
<silverbullet> wort man
<statue-sweller> silverbullet: I'm still waiting for your attack !
<cloudymoon> how many times again he is no hacker
<silverbullet> man do you want a virus
<silverbullet> tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
<cloudymoon> lol ne give it up i'm a hacker myself and i know
how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you're no hacker..^^
<statue-sweller> 127.0.0.1
<statue-sweller> it's easy
<silverbullet> lolololol you so stupid man you'll be gone
<silverbullet> and are the first files being deleted
<statue-sweller> mom...
<statue-sweller> i'll take a look
<silverbullet> don't need to rescue you can't son of a silverbullet
<statue-sweller> that's bad
<silverbullet> statue-sweller you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
<statue-sweller> yes, there's nothing i can do about it
<silverbullet> and in 20 seconds f: is gone
<silverbullet> tupac rules
<silverbullet> statue-sweller you son of a silverbullet your f: is gone and e: too
<silverbullet> and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
<Puzzle Joe> why doesn't cloudy say anything
<statue-sweller> he's probably rolling on the floor laughing
<JerryMo> ^^
<silverbullet> your d: is gone
<Puzzle Joe> go on silverbullet
<silverbullet> statue-sweller man you're so stupid never give your ip on the internet
<silverbullet> i'm already at c: 30 percent
* silverbullet (~java@usirc-9ff3c180.ns2.intrex.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

*

*
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made a fool of yourself already.

danoschek: dung neither ...
perhaps eriisa should pin the kindergarten tos somewhere at a wall made visible ...
too silly is no joke let me tell you, it could be charged as careless humbug ... ~*~ .

kithara: ... ~*~

Most people don't know that back in 1912,
Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of
mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know,
the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit
an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise,
and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate
at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared
a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year
on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

cr*p was not high enough ... ~*~

*

*
IF:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

S T Y L E
19 20 25 12 5 = 81%

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But:
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and

B U L L * * * *
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 103%


So it stands to reason that hard work
and knowledge will get you close,
Attitude will get you there,
majorbull will put you even over the top.

Now let's look how far Butt Kissing will get you !

B U T T K I S S I N G
2 20 21 21 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 152% !!

... ~*~ ...

'

*
George W. Bush not only smiles and waves nicely,
always knows the right thing to say, too !
*
Bush and the Queen at London Heathrow, a 300-foot long red
carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides
to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of
central London where they board an open 17th century coach
hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways
and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets,
all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the
most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast
of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire,
including Bermuda, Tortola and other islands.

It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state
do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen
decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President,
please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that
there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you
hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

*

*

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside,
admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he
spotted a young couple making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,
"Ah, young love ... ze spring time,
ze air, ze flowers ... C'est magnifique !",
and continued to watch, remembering
the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais ... Sacre bleu !
Ze woman she is dead !" before heading off as fast
as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted,
"Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ...
naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said,
"Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember
ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers ?
Ah,L'amour ! Zis is OK."

"Mais non ! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead !"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat,
rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike,
pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story,
and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed,
"Pierre, Pierre ! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's
field, zere is a young couple naked having sex !"

To which Pierre replied,
"Jean, I am a man of science. You must emember ...
it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour ! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply,
"NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead !"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu !" grabbed his black
medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other
tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove
calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said,
"Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British !"

~*~

'

'

The passenger noticed by the license that his cab driver's name was "Winston Churchill"

Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is Winston Churchill."

The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker."

The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter said, "That's a pretty famous name."

Upon which the the driver responded:
"As well it should be too. I've a-been driving a cab here for over forty years."

~*~

this is a very good joke site too ... especially some people. ~*~

'

'

Why did God invent lesbians ?
So feminists wouldn't breed.


Why did the woman cross the road ?
That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen ?


What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down ?
Kick her butt


How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.


How many women does it take to change a light bulb ?
11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..


What is the difference between a battery and a woman ?
A battery has a positive side.


Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women ?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.


Why do men pass gas more than women ?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

~*~

"Doctor doctor help me I feel I am shrinking !!"
"Awwww - you will just have to be a little patient." ... ~*~ .

"I got good and bad news for you - which one do you want first first ?"
"The bad one." - "You'll be dead next week." "Oogh and the good one ?"
- "The disease will be named after you for certain, my friend." ~*~

'doctor I got something buggy in my back' - the doctor takes his gloves for a probe
but can't find anything at first - finally - after deep investigation he senses something
and - is stomped 'wow ! but that's an oreo !!' 'oh yes it is doc, and you really earned it.' ~*~

'

'
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well
within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry
which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override
the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to
become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally
gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer
to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses,
pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks,
which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be
necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

and with whom indeed - pertinent occurances -
and certainly not the kind of jokes called out. ~*~

'

'
# - Once you have their money, never give it back.
# - You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try.
# - You can always buy back a lost reputation.
# - Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough.
# - If you can't break a contract, bend it.
# - Never let family stand in the way of opportunity.
# - Always keep your ears open.
# - Keep count of your change.
# - Instinct plus opportunity equals profit.
# - A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one.
# - Latinum isn't the only thing that shines.
# - Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.
# - Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
# - Anything stolen is pure profit.
# - Acting stupid is often smart.
# - A deal is a deal.
# - A bargain usually isn't.
# - Beware of relatives bearing gifts.
# - Don't lie too soon after a promotion.
# - When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.
# - Never place friendship before profit.
# - Wise men can hear profit in the wind.
# - Never take the last coin, but be sure to get all the rest.
# - Fear makes a good business partner.
# - Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.
# - Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother.
# - Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.
# - It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
# - Money talks, but having lots of it gets more attention.
# - Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
# - The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
# - Good customers are a rare as latinum--treasure them.
# - Friendship is seldom cheap.
# - Free advice is seldom cheap.
# - Never use credit where your words will do.
# - Never buy what can be stolen.
# - The riskier the road, the higher the profit.
# - Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.
# - Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
# - Never do something you can make someone do for you.
# - Sleep can interfere with opportunity.
# - Buy, sell, or get out of the way.
# - A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer.
# - Wives serve; brothers inherit.
# - If you can sell it, don't hesitate to steal it.

'

'
21) Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20) Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19) Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18) Rust problem in engineering causes support failure:
one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
17) Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
16) Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15) Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
from flickering.
14) Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through
squeaky part of floor in 10- forward.
13) Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12) Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side
become too steep for crew to climb.
11) Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
people on board.
10) Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten
thousand care bears.
9) Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft
macaroni and cheese.
8) Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7) Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either
stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6) Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in
Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5) Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related
problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with
Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4) Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says
"Pretty please with sugar on it."
3) Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and
loses access to women's volleyball program.
2) Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1) Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC ?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Buddhist explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has
been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character.
Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers,
numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
Who cares ? It doesn't really matter if they're on
the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to
straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably
see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation:
Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor,
who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood,
then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church's approach to characters:
The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the
light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins.
Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,
such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."

Dave Barry's explanation:
The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're
made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable,
while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when
they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them ??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING ???
Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig !!!!

A frog in red trunks, sitting in the gras near the lake, mumbles, "I'm God - I'm God ..."
A stallion passing shakes his head in disbelief, but bites his tongue and goes his way ...
Next day and the following ones the same - the frog sitting there, "I'm God I'm God ..."
The stallion decides he must know the reason for that strange behaviour and closes up,

"Hey Frog - you are not God !"

"I'm God I'm God."

"Argh !! Now listen carefully - see, you are a definitely frog, god not - you are green,
have long leapy legs, a big quackmouth, you're better going to face it, you are a FROG."

"Hey Stallion, come a bit closer yet."

The frog stretches his pants a bit to grant a short glance, upon which the stallion exclaims,

"Oh my GOD !!!"

*
How to be a good Democrat:

1. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders
how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more
of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and
North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical,
documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression, and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony
activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem
is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the
Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important
to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E.Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are
racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and really a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked
anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail,
but a liar and sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag,
transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected,
and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the
Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

21. You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

How To Be A Good Republican
By: Ann Richards (former Democratic Governor of Texas)

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was
due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's
gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those
privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs,
but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with
lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe ... everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and
hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death
penalty.

9. You have to believe society is colorblind and growing up black in America
doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few
Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company,
corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus
shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with
providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and
failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher

you may believe a resident alien sharing his advanced basics: some debates
have never stopped actually, any result just a genuine imitation, still almost
exactly the difference same as it ever was, catastrophical, but not serious ... ~*~

men say that the first thing they notice about a woman
are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they
notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars ... ~*~

and then don't try, the anchor wells, whilst sense moves like a butterfly ... ~*~

they spot a huge herd of young and crispy cows. Son Bull gets all excited,
scratches ground, honks and, during some frolic leaps and jumps, he exclaims,

"DDD-dd-daddy dhere dhere - let's run down and serve some of dhem !!"

"Oh Bullcheeks, you overclocked teenypopper, NO we'll walk down and serve them all -
one thing yet from a lifetime's wisdom, you shalt the heck effort the pleasance to drop
a few friendly words, every after. Those are Ladies, got me."

"Yay yay !!!" *hoppel hop* "All what you say, my daddy !"

Done as planned - they part to begin
working through the herd from opposite sides ...
After a while you cAn only hear them yet.

Father Bull from the left:

"Merci, Madame." ...
"Merci Beaucoup, Madame." ...
"Merci, vous êtes très sexy, Madame." ... Merci, Madame." ...

Son Bull from the right:

"Mercimadame mercimadame mercimadame mercimadame
mercimadame pardonpapa mercimadame mercimadame ..."

poetry is evil. ~*~

One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there.

The young man said,

"My name is Freddy.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."

The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out. Pretty soon there
was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said,

"My name is Vance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"

Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon, another
knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said,

"My name is Moe.
I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"

Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was
a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began,

"My name is Chuck."

The farmer shot him, immediately.

*

Nimoy is a joke in Columbo neither ...
nice too, he always smiles or, says please
- good tactics to get me to doing something btw. ~*~

since we know that he's not the kirk,
but t.j. hooker, we do not need any further explanations ~*~ :D

A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile !!

Hey Osama, I think it’s for you !
~*~

Genuine warnings written on military equipment and publications:

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Unknown

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo Troop

As you are all aware, the airline industry in which we work
has it's own unique set of terminology. The following are
some of the most commonly used terms and their definitions.

PASSENGER -
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually
found in pairs or small groups. Often will become
vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified
situations. When frightened or confused these creatures
collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has
no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient
places. Passengers are of four known species:
Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus
ignoramus.

PRE-BOARD -
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before
departure.

VOLUNTARY OVERSALE -
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is
coming off the flight.

NO-RECORD -
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

NON-REVENUE POSITION -
Usually can be identified by the fact that these
passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or
flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are
permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent
revenue passengers from being able to pay first class
passenger charges.

GROUP -
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling
together. The group leader, who has the tickets,
usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board
time of five minutes before departure, or until there
are no seats left together, whichever occurs last.
Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning
seats to groups as this may convenience them.

SIGN -
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by
small children. Its primary function is to hide the
location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate
numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

POSITION CLOSED -
This is a sign posted at various counter locations,
which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form
line here."

BAGGAGE CLAIM -
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It
is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage
Claim Area."

CARRY ON BAG -
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow
managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the
inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says
the following are not acceptable as carry-on items:
bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires,
or wide screen projection TVs.

FLIGHT SCHEDULE -
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

ON-TIME -
An obscure term, meaning unknown.

FOG -
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs
around an airport while the surrounding areas are
clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used
to delay flights.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL -
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic
controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side
knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent
flights from arriving in time for passengers to make
connecting flights.

TICKET AGENT -
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding
ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities
of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and
and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities
to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather
phenomenon. They are capable of answering three
questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and
without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later
life they start carrying on mysterious conversations
with themselves

"OMG !! Monday we were in the brothel, Tuesday we were in the brothel,
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday we were in the brothel !!"
*SLAP SLAP* "What the heck do you think we are ?? Millionaires ???" ~*~

Relationship Guide

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20