A man was standing in the middle of a road with a box of elephant powder in his hands. He was spreading it all over the road when a policeman walked up to him.

POLICEMAN: What are you doing?

MAN: Spreading elephant powder around.

POLICEMAN: There are no elephants round here!

MAN: Well, it must be good stuff then!

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One day in the jungle there was a football match between the elephants and the insects. By half-time the elephants were winning 39-0.

Then in the second half a centipede came on - he was a brilliant player. By the end of the match the score was 46-39 to the insects.

As they were leaving the field the captain of the elephants said,

'What puzzles me is, why didn't you play that centipede in the first half?' 'We would have', said the captain of the insects.

"The only trouble is, it takes him an hour to get his boots on...'

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Once there was a man leading an elephant. A lady said to him:

'Where are you going with that elephant?'

The man said, I'm taking him to the zoo'.

The next day the lady saw the man still leading the elephant.

'I thought you took him to the zoor, she said.

'I did take him - today I'm taking him to the cinema.'

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A lion was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.

The lion roared, *Who is the king of the jungle?' and the deer replied,'Oh, you are, master.'

The lion walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The lion roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, master.'

The lion walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.

With that the elephant threw the lion across a tree and jumped on him. The lion scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer!'
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Did you hear about the man who saw a gardener pushing a wheelbarrow full of elephant manure?

'What are you going to do with that?', he asked.

'Put it on my gooseberries', the gardener said. 'Oh,' said the man, 'I usually put custard on mine.'
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Did you hear about the man who took an elephant to the cinema?

The manager expected it to go on the rampage, but it didn't. Afterwards he said to the man, I am really surprised; your elephant was very quiet and actually seemed to enjoy the film.'

'Yes,' said the man, 'I was surprised, too: he hadn't enjoyed the book.'

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A party trekking along a jungle path found their way blocked by an elephant who was sitting down and would not move.

They cut a path around him, but a little later there was another elephant sitting down, and another path had to be cut.

The party leader protested: 'I don't think it's funny to find elephants in our way.'

'And we,' replied the elephant, 'don't think it's funny to be disturbed when we are playing book-ends!'


A man was standing at the customs office with a large crate. 'Anything to declare? Jewellery?

Alcohol? Livestock, etc?' 'Nothing', replied the man.

They opened the crate, and there was an elephant with two slices of bread, one in each ear!

'I thought you said no livestock!' said the customs officer.

The man looked at him with an honest expression and replied: What's it to you what I have in my sandwiches?!'
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A small girl visits the zoo for the first time. Afterwards, she says to her mother,
'I saw the elephants.

What do you think they were doing?

Picking up peanuts with their vacuum cleaners.'

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Twenty elephants were standing in single file, all facing the same way.

How many of them could say, My trunk is touching another elephant's tail?'

None: elephants can't speak!