While I was driving down the road the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know about, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
I'm a "Rectum Stretcher, "I responded.
The cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic ticket: $95.00
Court costs: $45.00

Look on cop's face ... Priceless