This is true, cos we all know the Britts have a better sense of humour, and its not always understood on the other side of the pond LMAO

This was a long time ago, when my daughter was 3 yrs' old. I was reading a book, very engrossed, when I heard a thump come from my daughters room, useing 'Mom Radar', I didn't sense or hear anything to alert me to Heather being in any danger. So engrossed in the book I was reading, I didn't hear my door open until out of the corner of my eye I could see her bent over, holding her knee with her little hand, and moaning, "Oh my God, Mom...Oh my God". I'm thinking 'What the Heck?' When I put the book down and see BLOOD streaming down her little leg. she had knocked off a very large scab, and the bleeding was amazeing for such a small child. I screamed "Oh My God!", and she looked at me and said, "See!... Oh my God Mom".

That was a good yet old jike i heard somewhere before. Sorry no one lse liked chattys joke

i for one love all the jokes and funny stories at lunch each day my friends and i take it in turn to tell a joke , thanks to this board i have a new one each day which make us all smile until we have to go home , so thanks everyone for brighting up my days

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Why did the chicken cross the road? MR. ERNEST HEMMINGWAY.."To die. In the rain. Alone"...GEORGE W. BUSH.."We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here."....COLIN POWELL.."Now at the left of the sereen, you clearly see the satelite image of the chicken crossing the road."...AL GORE.."I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people".... KARL MARX.."It was an historical inevitabilty.".. FOX MULDER.."You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?"...SIGMUND FREUD.."The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insercurity....."COLONEL SANDERS..."I missed one?"

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were
walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says,

"Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where ?!"

LMAO@Dano

Good one cole

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up
in the first place!
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just
"chunky
dunk".
3. The early bird still has to eat worms.
4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the difference.
6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't
fallen asleep yet.
8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's
what
he said.
9. Just remember.....if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
they
can in prison?
11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with something called labor!
12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

GothicInventor The environment is changing 15. November 2003, 10:33:17
In case you have not noticed. Everyone has been given a clear slate at ths point in time. Dano was warned about his posts, which were unwarranted, and now he is gone.

He keeps making mention of manipulated posts. I am not sure what he means by that. I occasionally make typo corrections or punctuation changes at the tournament board, if this is manipulation, so be it.

Yes, I posted that I would help everyone playing Dano in Gothic Chess to win. I was letting off steam, but I really meant it when I said it. Logistically, does anyone really believe this was possible? In fact, nobody took me up on my offer, as those who were members of the fellowship recall. They all wanted to try and give him a drubbing by their own hands, win, lose, or draw.

I posted it mostly because I knew it would agitate dano when it leaked, so the spies helped me immensely, and I thank you for it.

It was an impossible task to do (play every move for every opponent against dano) but knowing the way his paranoia is manifest, I knew it would send him over the deep end.

So what had I actually done?

I made a post, then took no action on it. How many times a day do we each do similar things? You see a beautiful woman walking down the street, do you think "I wonder if she likes doing Crossword Puzzles?" If you see an armored car making a cash pickup at a store, do you think "I wonder what kind of gas mileage it gets?"

No, we have fleeting thoughts about getting her in the sack, and tossing bags of money into the back seat and peeling off down the road. (Or maybe peeling off down the road with the girl in the back seat, and sleeping with the bags of money, whatever you prefer!)

The point being my previous fellowship was created for those to let off steam about dano, much as this one is most likely geared at letting steam off about me.

But does anyone really think I crashed the server just so dano, who won his section in the $3000 Gothic tournament, would not be able to continue on? Did he really think I was making all of those moves against him and he kept beating me game after game?

Folks, you have to face the fact that he was at least a little off his rocker. If nothing else, this must be conceeded.

The server crashed. That's all that happened.

A new policy is in place. It is one we can all live with. When I make a post about how the 4 kings in the deck of cards are not really modeled after those in antiquity that have permeated the culture, then someone calls me a prick for doing so, a line has been crossed. It was uncalled for.

Even now, I could of had this person banned, but I elected not to do so.

No more warnings will ever be issued, as the policy is any direct insult, in a private or public forum, will result in an immediate banning.

If it cannot be discussed without name calling, do us all a favor, and save yourself some keystrokes.

If you have read the hidden message I placed in this post, you know which 4 people will be banned next because they will most likely make snide remarks about this post. This is what I am hoping for. This is the bait.

Danoschek did not win his section. Our game was never finished.

that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate
one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving
jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good
for one period and have no second string.

Oh my god ScarletRose....LMAO

(hand raised) I liked Chatty's joke

Why did the chicken cross the road?

HANZ BLIX:..We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq Ambassador)...The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

RALPH NADER...The chickens' habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzeling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN...To steal a job from decent, hard-working Americans.

RUSH LIMBAUGH...I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help the chickens with crossing-the-road-syndrome. Can you beieve this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars,and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, moey the government took from you to build roads for the chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART...No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmers market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

GRANDMA and GRANDPA...In our day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Some one told us that chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk

1. Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word were misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of
a dead tree and eat candy out
of your socks?

hehehe.. I like #27.. about christmas.. :)

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
Signed, A relieved menopausal wife

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate
one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good
for one period and have no second string

I love "Dear Tide". The Relieved wife?....my kind of gal.

Thanx Bruno

skyking, read the joke board, that NFL joke was told a few days ago :-)

I got it in an email days ago..sorry LOL

It's a funny one tho!

President Bush and Saddam decided to settle the war once and for
all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog
fight.

They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world
and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Saddam found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiller female dogs in
the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected
only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his
siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world
had ever seen. Its cage was 5" thick and needed steel bars so nobody
could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking
animal. It was a 6 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush
because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with
the Iraq dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and
slowly waddled over towards Saddam's dog. Saddam's dog snarled and leaped
out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close
enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Saddam’s dog in
one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Saddam came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand
how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years
with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and
the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush, "We had Michael Jackson's Plastic Surgeons
working for 5 years to make that Alligator look like a Wiener Dog."

OOOOOKKKKK LOL

lol backoff

LMAO BIG TIME!!!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were
met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said,
"you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells.

" Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

hehehe

OOOOKKKK LOL

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WENCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Oh, well. If only men would listen....

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York a couple of days before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that
your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call
your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way
they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She
calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not
getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother
back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

hahahaha.. oh!! what a laugh.. I shall have to remember that on upcoming holidays.

Are u allowed to put rude jokes in here?? Just wondered as I was told one the other day

Join Badinage, lubylu.

How do I join bumble?? Do I just invite myself?

Go to the fellowships list and apply. Aragon will let you in! It's a fellowship for risque jokes!

Ok thanx bumble...R u on their list? lol

*shock! horror!*

I'm far too angelic for that! lol

hollyhocks ;oÞ

Give over lol We have a bit of rudeness in us lol

Not me. I'm as pure as the driven slush.

And I'm virgin mary lol

bumble...I'm in :)

You'll never get out!