playBunny: Told the Teacher that me and Mom spent to much time "Grossing"

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Please people, remember: When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown ...

But it only takes four muscles ...

to extend your arm and slap the idiot round the ears.

playBunny: I was almost sure you were going to say Smile.

"Hello. Is this Terry Miller?"

"No. This is the Post Office."

"Oh. Do you have the same number as the MIllers?

"No..."

"Then why did you pick up the phone?"

Two Scots were taking up watch by Loch Ness hoping to see the monster. One was an old hand at the game while the other was there for the first time.

Billy: So when can we expect to see Nessie, Jock?

Jock: Ah, lad, that's usually about halfway through the second bottle of whisky.

the lady & the plumber
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber."
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!"
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"
Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"
The parrot said, "It's the plumber."
-=-=-=-
the lady & the bad parrot
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father,I have a problem.My husband was a ship captain & when he died,I inhereted his parrot.but she only know how to say one thing."
"What does sshe say?",the priest asked.
She says "Hi,I'm a slut.Do you want to have some FUN?"
"That's terrible", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your talking female parrot over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray with th prayer beads and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrot will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrot to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots.
She says "Hi,I'm a slut.Do you want to have some FUN?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "throw your beads away.Our prayers have been answered."

Imagine someone's 11 yr. old daughter asking her mom if she can log on and read the jokes on the BK Joke Board. Does your joke allow her to say "yes" and feel comfortable? Thanks for understanding.

Purple: Aren't there some fellowships specifically for dirty jokes? Instead of just continually telling everyone not to post their dirty jokes, please point them toward appropriate locations. I know this won't help pawns, but it'll encourage them to get higher memberships.

Thad: Yes there are two of them. Let me hunt the other and I'll post it as well.

http://brainking.com/game/ShowFellowship?fid=331

Thad: This is the other.

http://brainking.com/game/ShowFellowship?fid=48

whatdidyousay: Hey I resemble those remarks! LOL.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York. "I hate to ruin your
day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She
calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, they're
coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares .. Now what do we tell
them for Christmas?"

volant:

volant: *giggle*.. I like that..

volant: LOL

volant: oh now thats funny lol

how about this:
http://www.allfunpix.com/humor/pics2/dip.jpg

lets keep it clean

nobleheart: I took this one last weekend:
http://thad.com/temp/MyPhotos/Hikes/MF/Thad/slides/How%20Can%20You%20Park%20on%20BOTH%20Sides!.html

I'd love to see someone actually parked on BOTH sides. ;-)

nobleheart: And somewhere I have an old-fashioned photograph (sorry, no digital scan) of a sign at a gas station that said "HLEP WANTED". I think that guy needed more hlep than he realized! lol!

gee,the thought never occured to me:

http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/318763/2/Funny_Sign.jpg

no comment

http://bradley.weblogs.us/images/Church%20sign.jpg

When I Say I'm Broke............I'm Broke

A little humor to start your week with.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner." Good morning, "said the young man."If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

ScarletRose:

http://www.mrcomputerservices.com/downloads/loosetongue.jpg

Church Sign

http://coan.net/bk-smile/20/ohgodsm.jpg

BBW, nobleheart: I don't understand them. Can you explain?

http://coan.net/bk-smile/20/collegehumor.1599562.451xAUTO.jpg

http://coan.net/bk-smile/19/funny_sign_15.jpg

http://coan.net/bk-smile/19/collegehumor.86969.451xAUTO.jpg

... and 2 non-church sign:

http://coan.net/bk-smile/19/collegehumor.16212.451xAUTO.jpg

http://coan.net/bk-smile/20/normal_103-0304_IMG.jpg

http://public.turkmafia.org/~funpics/6th.sense.jpg

BIG BAD WOLF: The let the church help one was too funny...a laugh out loud moment for me. Thanx for the chuckle.

Fifth Third Bancorp(did they lose count?)
http://www.richardfranke.com/r5066/p9859mc.jpg
what were they thinking?
http://www.jokechallenge.com/funny_pictures/lick_a_chick.html
http://www.wernersplace.com/images/pork_sign.jpg

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when do I start?!"

Subject: SENIOR CITIZENS

A college student at a recent Carolina football game challenged a
senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for
their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different
world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked
on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing and, uh .."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,
"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we
invented them, son, Now what are you doing for
the next generation??"

I love senior citizens

The one thing I have learned through the aging of my OWN
children, is that they DO eventually realize that Mom and Dad (and
many others) are FAR smarter, and can add value to THEIR lives
once given enough time to mature past the age of "I know everything
and you know nothing"...we just have to give them time to
"grow up"!

'nuff said!

... and what were the intended originals? (& no, you are NOT allowed to look up http://www.saidwhat.co.uk/spoon/index.php) :)

I've given the answer to no. 1:

1 fighting a liar (lighting a fire)

2 you hissed my mystery lecture

3 searched every crook and nanny

4 cattle ships and bruisers

5 nosey little cook

6 a blushing crow

7 Kinquering Congs their titles take
(announcing hymn in chapel)

8 tons of soil

9 let us drink to the queer old Dean

10 we'll have the hags flung out

11 you've tasted two worms

12 our shoving leopard

13 a half-warmed fish

14 is the bean dizzy?

15 six rusty crolls

16 Hello, Witches of Swatzerland

17 for god's sake shake a tower

18 he has really mad banners

19 wave the sails, man

20 he flew at the lead of spite

21 ooh look a pretty flutter by

22 i love cop porn

23 oh no! not a bat flattery

24 would you like a nasal hut?

25 see ya, eye ball

26 my chips are lapped
-----------------------

Now, can you recall/make up any?

... and what were the intended originals? (& no, you are NOT allowed to look up http://www.saidwhat.co.uk/spoon/index.php) :)

I've given the answer to no. 1:

1 fighting a liar (lighting a fire)

2 you Missed my History lecture

3 searched every Nook and Cranny

4 Battle ships and Cruisers

5 Cosy little Nook

6 a Crushing Blow

7 Conquering Kings their titles take
(announcing hymn in chapel)

8 Sons of Toil

9 let us drink to the Dear old Queen.

10 we'll have the flags hung out

11 you've wasted two terms

12 our loving shepherd

13 a half-farmed wish

14 is the dean busy?

15 six Crusty rolls

16 Hello, Watches of Switzerland

17 for god's sake take a shower

18 he has really bad manners

19 save the whales, man

20 he flew at the speed of light.

21 ooh look a pretty butter fly

22 i love pop corn

23 oh no! not a flat battery

24 would you like a hazel nut?

25 see ya, eye ball ?????

26 my lips are chapped
-----------------------

Now, can you recall/make up any?

ScarletRose: 25 see ya, bye all.

This is a true story told to me by a friend and edited down a bit.

Kevin, on holiday with some friends, walks into a bar and sees his friends already there at a table, except for one, Larry, who was standing at the far end of the bar waiting for his order of drinks. There's a sign posted on the wall, visible just above Larry's head. It says "No Gambling".

On coming inside Kevin spots Larry and then the sign. He points at it, calling out in a voice loud enough to reach Larry, and therefore everyone else, "I bet they don't enforce that here!"

That slowly gathers the bar's patron's attentions as Larry swivels his head up to read the sign. The bartender is just finishing Larry's drinks and is walking back to him as Larry looks back from the sign and replies in a booming voice, "You're on!"

Both guys have big smiles on their faces as everyone in the place turns to look at the bartender to see which one wins the bet. A few seconds goes by with all eyes on the hapless barman, caught in a logical trap, and then the whole place erupts into laughter.

http://www.10-7.com/humor/photopages/ironic%20bus%20ad.jpg

nobleheart: Hat's off to your expertise in finding these images. The car driver would have been able to read the ad better if he had hit the bus in the middle. But maybe he was already on his mobile calling 13 10 10.

http://www.nd.edu/~ehalton/EuroTour02/Irony.jpg
http://www.majordojo.com/uploads/popup.gif
http://www.terranova.net/content/images/irony.jpg
https://ideotrope.org/pub/media/photos/steve/2005/03/20050319170043.jpg
http://www.carltonappraisalsinc.com/HurricanePhotos/Irony.JPG
http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/archives/ssign8.jpg
note the boat name
http://www.helpinsureme.co.uk/mediac/400_0/media/boat~accident~2.jpg

I can't make out the boat name....

LOL

Backoff: =temporary insanity

sorry..it is a small pic
i am using the avant browsermit has a magnify .jpg function

ScarletRose: if you like balloons ,I have 2 links for you..he he he

ScarletRose: LMAO!!! That was great!

I never laughed so hard.. haha

http://www.dribbleglass.com/images/billboards/agency.jpg

http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/billboards81b.htm

http://www.funnypart.com/funny_pictures/pizza.shtml

http://www.dribbleglass.com/subpages/billboards84b.htm

An English teacher wrote the words:
    Woman without her man is nothing
on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote:
    Woman, without her man, is nothing.

The women wrote:
    Woman. Without her, man is nothing.