Did you hear about the school teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his snow boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, They're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, They were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, Now, where are your Mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

hexkid: 

How can you tell when a fairy has been using your computer?

Pixel dust

Cheri: 

Cheri:

A rabbit and a snake once met. The rabbit said to the snake, "I wonder what sort of creature you are." The snake replied, "I also wonder what you are."

So the rabbit said, "Okay, I'll tell you." "No," answered the snake, "we both should guess. I'll start. You have white fur, long ears and a cotton tail. You must be an albino rabbit."

Now it was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "You have scales and a forked tongue, but you don't have ears. You must be a music critic."

Jane had been driving 16 hours straight and was still at least six hours away from her destination. It was almost eight o'clock in the morning and she was very tired.
After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull onto a side road and rest.

Jane turned off the car and closed her eyes ... drifting off to sleep, precious sleep ...

When an old man in a bright blue jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death.

"Sorry to wake you," he huffed, jogging in place. "But can you tell me what time it is?"

Jane glanced at her watch. "8:15," she said through the glass.

The old man thanked her, then left.

"Just my luck," she muttered. "I'm parked on someone's jogging route."

With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried to fall asleep.

Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn't been dead tired, she would have found them cute. Now, they were just annoying.

"Hi," the blond jogger said.

"Do you have the time?" his brown-haired friend asked.

Jane sighed and looked at her watch. "8:19," she said.

"Thanks," they said, then jogged off.

Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she retrieved a pen from the glove box and scrawled 'I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME' on the back of a magazine. She put the hastily constructed sign in the window and settled back to sleep.

A thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she started dozing off.

Jane pointed at the sign and shouted, "Can't you read?"

To which he replied, "Sure I can, ma'am. I just wanted to let you know: It's

Memo to all elves:

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a
time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One
is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we
all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is
a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in
the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and
drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One
day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the
bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The
Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me.....I've
quit drinking!"

Milioi: good one!

mybirthdaysoon: I see you kept the best till last LOL

skipinnz: LOL, glad u enjoyed them lol

Q: Why was Karl Marx buried at Highgate Cemetery in London?



A: Because he was dead.

Pafl:

Some confidence inspiring wit from down
under...

 
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the
pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some of the
actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a
P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance
engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only
major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left
inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside
main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:
Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the
cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on
windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold
mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on
ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S:
Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset
to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in
OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in
windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is
missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P:
Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten
up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed
target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat
installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming
from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something
with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget 
 

---

They're making a new model Barbi doll.
The Divorced Barbi.
She comes with all Ken's things.

danheg:

 danheg:

Beware confusing cause & effect....


 
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their
new
 
Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he
was
 
a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old
secrets.
 
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to
 
be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe
that

the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the

village should collect firewood to be prepared.
 
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He

went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked,
 
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this
winter is
 
going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service
 
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
 
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
 
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
 
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the
man
 
at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very
 
cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to




 
collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
> Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service
again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it
is
 
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
 
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
 
The weatherman replied, "Those  bloody  Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy."

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT
LADY 
 
 A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
the man 
 opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to
another 
 seat. 
 This time the smile turned into a grin, so she
moved again. The man 
 seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the
man burst out 
 laughing, 
 she complained to the driver and he
had the man 
 arrested. 
 
 The case came up in court. The
judge asked the man (about 20 years 
 old) 
 what he had to say
for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it 
 was like this: When
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but 
 notice 
 her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint 
 Twins
are Coming' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign 
 that
said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to 
 smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 
 "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain 
 myself." 
 "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign 
 that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...I 
 just 
 lost it." 
 
 "CASE DISMISSED!!" Now keep that smile
on your face and pass it on to

King Reza: 1 gross is a dozen dozen, or 12 x 12 = 144...

Fowl is another word for birds like ducks... essentially water birds are fowl. which is said the same way as foul.

Does that make sense?

rednaz23:Ehhhm, it makes sense now, but it's still not funny at all!  Thanks for the clarification.

Each to his own maybe. What is funny to one may not be funny to someone else. Some found it funny.

It was a pun, or a play on words. Very common for jokes 

Tuesday: Fowl means only "any domestic birds used as food, as the chicken, duck, etc".
Foul means "stinking, loathsome etc".

Dolittle: Like a foul fowl??

Quack!!!!!

Rose: That be a dirty bird!!

Dolittle: HEHE  Noooo comment!!! (Ziiipa da lip)

Two doctors in practice in a small country clinic had to hire a
New nurse
when the one they had won the lottery and quit. They
Interviewed Nurse Nancy
and decided to hire her. She had only
Worked two days when one doctor called
the other to his office
And said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.
"Why, we
Just hired her?"

"Well, I think she is dyslexic and get
thing backward. I told her
To give Mr. Smith two shots of morphine every 24
four hour, but
She gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him.
I
Told her to give Mrs. Jones an enema every twelve hours and she
Gave
her twelve in one hour."

The doctor have barely finished his reasons when
the other doctor
Rushed out of the room. "Where are you going in such a
hurry?"
The doctor asked. "To see Nancy, I just instructed her to prick

Mr. Hill's Boil!"

Oceans Apart: good one

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds* AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe
and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Larry has been missing since Friday.

Dear Mrs. ...Redfrog,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us,
unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the
past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

1. November 24: Took 24 boxes of chocolate and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. November 24: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

3. November 27: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
rest rooms.

4. November 27: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares...and watched what happened.

5. December 7: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
lay-away.

6. December 7: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. December 10: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. December 13: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and
asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. December 16: Looked right into the security camera; used it as
a mirror, then kissed the lens.

10. December 16: While handling guns in the hunting department asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 17: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 19: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. December 19: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes
the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!

And; last, but not least!

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg.



As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for
his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You
Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.


The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese,
you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship. "


Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."


The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition
organized in Britain.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
youngmothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little
boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Oceans Apart: A good one.

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going
by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right,"the cabby said.

"Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened
like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over
everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have
gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to
eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the
following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms works at work & works at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off
the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her
and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked. Because it's been laying outside, you don't know
where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this
point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How
do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy
Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked
along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this
new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be
the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back...

entries to a washington post competition asking for a two-line rhyme
with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are
dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Kids are Quick.....


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_________________________________


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher