A mountain woman from Arkansas went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband what a specimen was. He replied, "Darn'ed if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse." The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?"asked her husband. "Darned if I know," she replied. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose".

Dear Spike, I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. I am ashamed of myself. I don't quite know where to begin this letter of apology. It is my sincere hope that you will bring yourself to forgive and forget what has passed between us in recent months. I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk haircut, tattoos, and nose piercings. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous. I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you are 24 years of age and have never held a job.I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a Fulbright scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses. You now have my full blessings to marry my daughter. Sincerely,Your future father-in-law.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball Lottery.

Great one LOL

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money." The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
 
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
 
Men can read smaller print than women Úcan; women can hear better.  
 
Coca-Cola was originally green.
 
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
 
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
 
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)  
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%  
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:  $6,400
 
 
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
 
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.  
 
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.  
 
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
 
 
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.  
 
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the Úonly mobile National Monuments.
 
 
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
 
Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
 
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321
 
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.  If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.  If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
 
 
Only two people signed the Declaration Úof Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.  Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.  
 
"I am."  is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
 
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.  
 
  What occurs more often in December than any other month?   Conception.
 
 
Half of all Americans live Úwithin 50 miles of what? .  Their
birthplace
 Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?   Obsession
 
  
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.  
 
  What is the only food that doesn't spoil? Honey
 
  There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
  Father's Day
 
  What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.
 
 
  What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
 
 
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.  Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".  
 
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.  Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
 
 
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.
 It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"  
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.  When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.  "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
 
In Scotland, a new game was invented.  It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden....  and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.  

Coca-Cola was never green - that is a false urban legend.

Now one of the orifinal bottles used was green, but the actually soda has always been the same color. :-)

BBW - The Pop Expert POPCAN.ORG

Oh, I wonder if anything else is incorrect?

I would think that there is not more money printed for Monopoly EVERY DAY then the US Treasury...

Now average over a year, that is probable true. But I would guess that they don't ALWAYS EVERY DAY print more Monopoly then the Treasury. (But that is just my guess - I don't know of any fact to back me up.)

I think KISS (Especially Gene Simmons could do a lot of tricks) LOL

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

This is not true either - the statue in Prague with St. Wenceslas has one front leg in the air. And St. Wenceslas was murdered by his brother.

AIRCRAFT ENTHUSIASTS ...come and join this new fellowship

Just an anouncemant

<A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
> > His friends plead with him to let them take him home.
> > He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five
> > blocks from party, the police pull him over for
> > weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
> >
> > Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a
> > notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a
> > block away. The police tell the party animal to stay
> > put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and
> > run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and
> > waits and finally decides to drive home.
> >
> > When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to
> > bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him
> > that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
> >
> > A few hours later the police knock on the door.
> >
> > They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes.
> > They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed
> > with the flu and has been so all day. The police have
> > his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
> > asks why.

> > They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to
> > the garage and opens the door and there sits their
> > police car, lights still flashing.
> >
> > True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
> >
> >

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which
one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me, Sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it
makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test
line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it cost $20.00.
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll
take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register; she bends down to get her
purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that
there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is
$3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping
Wal-Mart."

LOL

I think that's an old one too? LOL

Signs On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
***************************
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7- foot grizzly bear charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right beside him, raising it's paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. The river even stopped flowing. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice out of the sky said, "You deny my existence all these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident, and now, do you expect me to help you out of this predicament. Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be counted as a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice; and the light went out, the river flowed, the sound of the forest continued, and the bear lowered its paw.
The bear then brought both paws together, bowed it's head, and said, "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

You gotta love Robin Williams... Leave it to Robin Williams to come up

with the perfect plan . what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand

up and repeat this message.

Robin William's plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan

for peace. So, here's one plan.

1.) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their

affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega,

Milosevic and the rest of those 'good ole boys,' We will never "interfere"

again.

2.) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with

Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We

would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the

fence.

3.) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.

We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be

gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are.

France would welcome them.

4.) All ! future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days

unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be

allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide

here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more

cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5.) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers.

If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6.) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy

wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will

require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will

have to cope for a while.

7.) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel!

for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go

somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells

filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8.) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will

not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain,

cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or

given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9.) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't

need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building

would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens

10.) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one

can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is

ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan.



"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your

tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling,

'You want a piece of me?'"

Subject: Response to a letter to the White House

(Response to a Letter to the White House, complaining about the treatment of captives.)


The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016


Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright side.. no increase in the toilet paper bill.

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better. Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.


Cordially,

Don Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense
for: G.W. Bush, President of the United States

The dumbest man in the world went to a bar and got realllllllly drunk.

As he is leaving the bar he sees a very beautiful woman and thinks to himself that this would be a good time to try and score.

He jumps the startled woman and starts to grab and her and pull her clothes off.

She responds to his amorous affections by useing pepper spray and pretty much beating the stuffing out of him with her shoe before running away screaming for help.

The police round up all characters in the area of the attack with his discription and they are to be placed in a line up.

The dumbest man in the world is on his way into the line up room, when he sees the woman in the hallway.

And starts screaming, 'There she is...that's her!'

http://www.chw.cz/~xnet/okoun/bounce.mpg

Sometimes man must do a strange things for a drink :)

3.9 MB

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error"
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ....... I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

well!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get that problem all the time too.
I am still waiting for the info on how to fix it if it arises again

LOL

Fancy a quick drink?
Beer, as all alcoholic drinks, is made by fermentation caused by bacteria feeding on the yeast cells, then defecating. This bacterial excrement is called alcohol.

Make mine a double...
The worlds strongest beer is 'Samuel Adams' Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.

Just in case you were thinking of driving...
Modern breathalyzers work on a clever electrochemical principle. The subject's breath is passed over a platinum electrode, which causes the alcohol to bind with oxygen, forming acetic acid. In the process it loses two electrons, a process that sets up a current in a wire connected to the electrode. The higher the concentration of alcohol in the breath, the greater the electrical current, which can be read by a simple meter to indicate intoxication levels.

Party Animal...
Attila the Hun was suspected of suffocating from a bloody nose after passing out from alcohol at his 'bachelor party'.

Alcoholism in America...
Reno, Nevada has the highest rate of alcoholism in the U.S., Provo, Utah, the lowest. Now there's a big surprise all round!Interesting fact

The saying 'Mind your P's and Q's' comes from the time when alcoholic beverages were served/sold in Pints and Quarts. Thus, to mind your P's and Q's meant to be careful how much you drank.

Well, if that's the law...
It is always helpful to have a law that clearly defines when a person is legally intoxicated. In Kentucky, anyone who has been drinking is considered sober until he or she cannot hold onto the ground.

Toddlers...
The term 'toddlers' originated in England. There were impurities in the drinking water that disallowed the water to be used for drinking. A common alternative drink was beer (it was cheep, plentiful and the water used to make it was treated during the initial boiling during brewing). Toddlers, just weaning off of mothers milk were unaccustomed to the effects of beer. This coupled with the fact that they were just learning how to walk really made them toddle.

Dispelling the stereotypes...
In the mid 70's, Australians were the 3rd biggest beer drinker in the world. (behind Germany and Belgium). In the late 90's, they don't even get into the top ten!

In the beginning...God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower,and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too ...with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak--so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then...Satan chuckled and created HMOs.

A young teacher was giving her six-year-old class a lesson about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.
At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.
Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My Daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my sister came home with her boyfriend, and told Dad that she was pregnant. That's when my Dad said, "God, that's all we needed!"

Many a person would ask what is a man's perfect breakfast. This is when an English breakfast is set before him with fresh orange juice. On his right is the Vogue and his daughter is smiling happily on front, on his left his very successful son on the Time's cover. Then when he opens the middle page of the Playboy, he finds his girlfriend on it, and while he throws some more milk in to his coffee, he sees his wife's face on the carton

George Bush's Answer: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with
us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Al Gore's Answer: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the
American people.

Bill Gates' Answer: I have just released chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of chicken.

Martha Stewart's Answer: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Sues' Answer: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Martin Luther King Jr's Answer: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa's Answer: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Barbara Walters' Answer: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Ralph Nader's Answer: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Jerry Seinfield's Answer: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Pat Buchanan's Answer: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Rush Limbaugh's Answer: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already
forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can
you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

Jerry Falwell's Answer: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

John Lennon's Answer: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Aristotle's Answer: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx's Answer: It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein's Answer: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Voltaire's Answer: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

Captain Kirk's Answer: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder's Answer: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Scully's Answer: It was a simple biomechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Bill Clinton's Answer: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

The Bible's Answer: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shall cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Albert Einstein's Answer: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Sigmund Freud's Answer: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

L.A.P.D.'s Answer: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out

Dear Bubba,
This is your Mama. I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
 
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
 
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
 
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mama
 
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

There is a new virus. The code name is "Work".
If you receive Work from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that work has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and Work already controls your life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
Then retry.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway. . . . it never hurts to be safe.

This is a story of the Bee
Whose sex is very hard to see
You cannot tell the he from she
But she can tell and so can he

The little Bee is never still
She has no time to take the pill
And that is why in times like these
There are so many sons of Bee's!

(Author unknown)

most all of the jokes we are getting are awesome...please remember to kepp them clean!!! this is a PUBLIC bord,....THANK YOU in adavance :)

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says,
"This is nice and soft as a
bunny, strong but gentle, and
it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church, but only the janitor was there.
One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians"

A bum walked up to me on the street and said he hadn't had a bite all week....So I bit him.

epilogue:

1) Got arrested

2) Had to be tested...

3) 3 months probation...

4) Had to attend 'Anger management' course...

5) 100 hours of community service...

6) Charged with assault...

7) Slaped with a law suit...

8) Lost my job because of all the jail time..

9) I'm apparently now the girlfriend of a woman named Big Bert....

10) I've lost all will to EVER be literal about any joke...

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager - A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.

Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

More truth than poetry Harley. LOL

the G.O.O.D. job one sounds way too familiar harley LOL

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
-Henny Youngman

ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den,
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
and software.
ABBOT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business.
What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows!
OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue w.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't
start with some straight answers. OK, forget that.
Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I
watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
need!
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see
reels 2, 3 & 4.
Can I watch them?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue w is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for
windows!
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in
the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other
Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word.
RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
my money with?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOT: Why not, they own it.

Oh my God, jestone. Thanks, I don't remember the last time when I laughed so hard.....Thanks...;-)

CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?

A young man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Maine.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather.....

"Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean??"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says,

"I told you before: those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them." Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to go visit friends in a nearby town.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".....

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted....

"COLDWATER, go lay down!!"

A man walks up to the checkout counter at the local store.

He buys:

1 can of soup

1 bar of soap

1 bottle of water

1 TV dinner

The checkout girl looks at him and says, 'So..you're single.'

'How did you know that?' he asks.

The girl replies 'Cause you're freakin' ugly!'

LOL Amen & amen.

The Real Man Test

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.



2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.



3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.



4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!"
C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
1. He is legally within the base path,
2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.



5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.



6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.



7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.



8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?



9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They’re in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"



10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.



11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.



12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.



How to Score...

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C."

A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.

Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer’s joke.