A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.

"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four - I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

You go, daddyO....well said!

There was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did!

LOL@jestone! I like that one.

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd
be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first,
giving the rooster a pep talk.

I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service
here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a
good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a
chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the
farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once
again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried
to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

When you have an "I hate my job" day,try this.On your way home from work,stop at your local pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a johnson and johnson rectal thermometer,be sure you get this brand.when you get home,lock your doors,draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you won't be disturbed...Change into something comfortable and lie down on the bed.Open the package and remove the themometer.Now carefully place it on the table so that it will not become chipped or broken.Take out the literature and read it carefully.You will notice that in small print there is a statement,"every rectal thermometer made by johnson and johnson is personally tested" Now close your eyes and repeat 5 times out loud "I am sooooooooooo glad i do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson!!!!

Picture of The President of the USA

Caption: "Um sir... um.... nevermind"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.  Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. 
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,  So "you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God," the woman continued, "and look at this; here's another miracle.  My car is completely demolished; but this bottle of wine didn't break!  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.  The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No.  I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever and evil.  Don't mess with
them.

Ouch Linda LOL

Chalk another one up for the girls. LOL Your turn guys. ;•)

A man came home from work one day and found total mayhem. The three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud. Empty food boxes and wrappers were strewn across the yard.
When he went inside, the mess was even worse. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against the wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring on a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, cereal had been spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over more piles of clothes and toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He found her in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a book. She looked up at him and smiled and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She smiled and answered, "You know how every day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the heck I do all day?"
"Yes," he said, baffled.
"Well," she said, "today I didn't do any of it!"

A very weird thing has happened! A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she has come from or how she got there. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there, and the next she was.

She is a clever old lady, and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body, this is very rude. I have tried screaming at her but she just screams back.

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while I find a fiver stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the Post Office and draw £50 and a couple of days later its all gone. I certainly don’t spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady is stealing from me.

You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. Lord knows she needs it.

And money isn’t the only thing she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate – especially ice-cream. She must have a really sweet tooth, but she’d better watch it, because she’s really piling on the pounds. I suspect she realises this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scales to make me think I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my cupboards when I’m not at home and altering my clothes so they don’t fit.

She gets into my mail, newspaper and magazines before I do, and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she does something really sinister to the volume controls on my television, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mutters and whispers.

She’s done other things – like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and taps harder to turn. She even make my bed higher so that getting in and out if it is a real challenge.

She has taken all the fun out of clothes shopping. When I try something on she stands in front of the changing room mirror and monopolises it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my passport photo taken, and as the camera shutter clicked she jumped in front of me!

Now NO-ONE is going to believe that the picture if that old lady is me.

ROFL@harley! I think that old lady moved in my house too.

Bruce the translator
Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com

From time to time my publisher sends me on book tour, apparently
believing we'd break some sales records if I could only experience a
bit more sleep deprivation. I fly from town to town, baffling news
announcers with my presence. They all seem amazed that anyone as
inarticulate as am I can claim to be a writer.

The schedule in a typical city starts with morning TV and ends with a
signing in the evening. I'll sit for several hours at a table piled
high with my books, cheerfully greeting people as they slide past me,
averting their eyes as if one of us is doing something shameful. At
closing time, the manager often comes up and counts the books,
sometimes astounded by the fact that not only have I not sold any, but
that apparently a few of his customers slipped in with their own
copies and left them on the table when I wasn't looking.

By the time I get back to the hotel, the kitchen is often closed.
Thus I found myself not long ago in a bar in Portland, ordering
dinner. (Portland is a city in both Maine and Oregon. Driving across
town must be brutal.) Some other men were sitting there with me,
trying to have an argument but encountering difficulties because one
of them spoke only Spanish, while the other spoke only German. I
offered to help translate, though I don't speak either of these two
languages.

The Spanish-speaking guy turned to me and gesticulated, pouring out a
torrent of words at such a rapid clip I had trouble keeping up with
him. When he was done, I nodded and turned to the German. "His name
is Mr. Rica."

The German drew himself up. "Klaus," he responded stiffly.

"Costa Rica," the Spanish guy corrected.

"His name is Costa Rica," I duly reported.

The Spanish guy vigorously shook his head. "No. Costa Rica...home."

"Then what is your name?" I asked, shouting so he'd understand. I
pounded on my chest. "I am Bruce. What is your name?"

"I am...German," the Spanish guy responded.

"I am German," the German guy interjected.

Well, we had really gotten off track. "Your name is Costa Rica," I
declared to the Spanish guy. I pointed to Klaus. "He is German."

The Spanish guy appeared delighted. "You? German?"

"Yes. I am German."

"His name is Klaus," I explained.

"Yes. I am Klaus," the German guy agreed.

This mystified Mr. Rica. He pulled out a business card for each of
us. I examined it in wonder. His first name was, in fact, "German."

"Your name is 'German'!" I cried.

"Si," German responded.

"I am German," the German guy reminded us.

"No, you're not German the way he is German," I clarified.

"I am German," Klaus insisted.

The bartender wandered over. "Hey buddy, would you quit yelling?" he
asked me.

"This man is German," I told him, pointing to Klaus. Klaus nodded
vigorously. "And this man is from Costa Rica, but his name is
'German'. Isn't that interesting?"

"Why would he have a German name if he is from Costa Rica?" the
bartender demanded.

I shook my head. "Not a German name, his name is 'German'."

"I am 'German'," the man from Costa Rica agreed.

"I am German," Klaus stated.

The bartender looked at us blankly.

"You're thinking of it wrong," I told him. "Like me, my name is
Bruce, but I am a Scot."

"Your name is Scott," he responded stupidly.

"Exactly wrong!" I hooted. "See? So I am not Scott, but I am a
Scot. He," I continued, pointing to the man from Costa Rica, "is
German, but he is not German, his name is 'German'."

"Oh, his name is German," the bartender said.

"Right!"

"But he's not German."

"Exactly!"

"He has a German name, though."

"No, that's the thing, his name is not German at all. Well, unless
it is. A 'German' could even be a Scot, for all I know."

For some reason, this last statement apparently enraged the
bartender, which is why I found myself sitting in a hotel lobby,
trying to explain to German and Klaus why we were ejected from the
bar.

I got the feeling a few things were lost in the translation.

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over and said, "Hey, I must be losing my mind. I keep hearing these voices saying nice things and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief...

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts...they're complimentary."

ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!!

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his
outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went
into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life!!

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said. "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"

And the first old lady blurted out, "And cold, too!"

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, with her eyes closed, and with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics.

They broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

nothing new about that one. The TV show mythbusters did a story about this on last year.

...and...was it real?

I kinda like MythBusters.

Yes, after like 15 or 20 mins in a hot car, the cans started popping. So it is possible, but it's never been said if the story is true or not.

I just went to www.ap.org and did a search....nada. It is not conclusive. However, the story IS funny.

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam


THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told
her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she
missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth But only if
she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... ...including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU??????
 

A nebo taky Ethernet over 220V. :-)) Funguje to!

With this wire exactly only Ethernet OVER :D

With Summer here, these will be useful to read before your next BBQ.

10. Friends don't let friends BBQ drunk! (a message from
M.A.B.B., mothers against burnt burgers)

9. Make sure you are not barbecuing your dog's chew toy.

8. Shave hair off hands and arms to prevent flame-ups.

7. If it moos when you put a fork in it, slap it back on the grill.

6. A 'bbq spit' is NOT saliva.

5. There is more than one way to skin a cat.

4. Singed eyelashes grow back in about four weeks.
3. Always test your grill for the proper temperature. The
use of your dog's nose, however, is not recommended.

2. Cleaning the grill with your wife's hairbrush is unsanitary.

1. Never ever throw a shrimp on the barbie.

Two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they
were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg
away and said, "I just have to go to the washroom. Be back in a minute."
Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky
egglige, running her hands up and down her smooth, oval body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head,
covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he
was doing.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the
head with a spoon."

"egglige", I love it!!!!

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C’mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes to wear,
if we don’t do laundry right now!


What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

If you remember this show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.They are well worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents.


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.




Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.




Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.




Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.




Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.




Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.




Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.




Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.




Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?





Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.




Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.




Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42 Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt head
30. Military intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. Extinct life
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. New classic
16. Temporary tax increase
15. French bravery
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron

1. Microsoft Works

THERE'S A NEW SET OF RULES NOW!!

Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work

Strong hints do not work

Obvious hints do not work

Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

LOL..now that is one smart little old lady!

My Get-Up And Go Has Got-Up And Went!


How do I know that my youth is all spent?
My get-up and go has got-up and went
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
When I think of where my get-up has been!

Old age is golden, so I have heard said
Yet I sometimes wonder when I get out of bed
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup
My eyes on the table, until I wake up.
As sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself
Is there anything else I should have laid on the shelf?

But I am happy to say as I close my door
My friends are the same, perhaps even more
When I was young my slippers were red
I would kick my heels, right over my head.

As I grew older my slippers were blue
Still I could dance the whole evening through.
Now I am older, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store, and puff my way back!

The reason I know my youth is all spent,
My get-up and go has got-up and went
But I really don't mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my get-up has been.

Since I have retired from life's competition
I busy myself with life's repetition.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
Pick up the paper and read the Obits
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed!

Subject: Definition of a Bar-B-Que

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man
volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into
motion:
1) The woman goes to the shops.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man,
who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with
the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that There's Just No Pleasing
Some Women

AMEN on that one Summertop!!

An Indian woman goes to see an Indian fortune-teller.

"Two men are in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?

The swami answers, "Nimesh will marry you. Akshay will be the lucky one."

English Lauguage "Signs" Abroad

1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
2. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
3. Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES
4. Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
5. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF
6. Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR
7. Sign in mens rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
8. In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
9. On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
10. On a highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
11. On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP
12. In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
13. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS
14. In A Maternity Ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED
15. In A Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES
16. Tokyo Hotels Rules And Regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED
17. On The Menu Of A Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
18. In A Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS
19. In A Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
20. Hotel Room Notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
21. Hotel Brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
22. Hotel Lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE
23. Hotel Elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK
24. Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
25. Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
26. Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF- SERVICE
27. Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
28. Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
29. An Advertisement By A Hong Kong Dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS
30. A Laundry In Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
31. Tourist Agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
32. Advertisement For Donkey Rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
33. Airline Ticket Office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
34. On The Door Of A Moscow Hotel Room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT
35. On The Menu In Lagos Airport Restaurant:
TERMINAL SOUP

A traveling salesman was lost out in the country. While driving down a dirt road he happened to notice there was a chicken running next to his car. He looked at the speedometer and saw he was doing 15 mph. As the chicken passed him he noticed it had three legs.
It was picking up speed and he tried to keep up. The chicken kept ahead of the car reaching speeds of over 50 mph. Then with a burst of speed it took off the road into the surrounding fields.
A few miles later the salesman spots a farm and decides to get directions there.
As he nears the house he sees many chickens in the yard and all of them have three legs.
So he says to the farmer, ?I see all your chickens have three legs, why is that?? The farmer answers, ?I breed them like that. Yup, I have a large family and we all love chicken. Especially the drumsticks. I breed them so there would be more to go around.?
?How do they taste,? asked the salesman. ?Don?t know,? replied the farmer, ?Ain?t never been able to catch one.?

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to
change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that
the light bulb has been changed

* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and
how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

* 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs.

* 53 to flame the spell checkers

* 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail
list.

* 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

* 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to
please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

* 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling
and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

* 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all
use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this
mail list.

* 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is
superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

* 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
bulbs

* 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs.

* 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are
relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this
list.

* 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including
all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

* 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because
they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

* 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

* 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

* 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

* 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant
for, leave it here.

* 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.