A very weird thing has happened! A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she has come from or how she got there. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there, and the next she was.

She is a clever old lady, and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body, this is very rude. I have tried screaming at her but she just screams back.

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while I find a fiver stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the Post Office and draw £50 and a couple of days later its all gone. I certainly don’t spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady is stealing from me.

You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. Lord knows she needs it.

And money isn’t the only thing she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate – especially ice-cream. She must have a really sweet tooth, but she’d better watch it, because she’s really piling on the pounds. I suspect she realises this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scales to make me think I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my cupboards when I’m not at home and altering my clothes so they don’t fit.

She gets into my mail, newspaper and magazines before I do, and blurs the print so I can’t read it. And she does something really sinister to the volume controls on my television, radio and telephone. Now all I hear are mutters and whispers.

She’s done other things – like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and taps harder to turn. She even make my bed higher so that getting in and out if it is a real challenge.

She has taken all the fun out of clothes shopping. When I try something on she stands in front of the changing room mirror and monopolises it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my passport photo taken, and as the camera shutter clicked she jumped in front of me!

Now NO-ONE is going to believe that the picture if that old lady is me.