Thanx Bruno

I love "Dear Tide". The Relieved wife?....my kind of gal.

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate
one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good
for one period and have no second string

Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
Signed, A relieved menopausal wife

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

hehehe.. I like #27.. about christmas.. :)

1. Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word were misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of
a dead tree and eat candy out
of your socks?

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk

Why did the chicken cross the road?

HANZ BLIX:..We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq Ambassador)...The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

RALPH NADER...The chickens' habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzeling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN...To steal a job from decent, hard-working Americans.

RUSH LIMBAUGH...I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help the chickens with crossing-the-road-syndrome. Can you beieve this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars,and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, moey the government took from you to build roads for the chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART...No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmers market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

GRANDMA and GRANDPA...In our day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Some one told us that chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

(hand raised) I liked Chatty's joke

Oh my god ScarletRose....LMAO

that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate
one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving
jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good
for one period and have no second string.

Danoschek did not win his section. Our game was never finished.

GothicInventor The environment is changing 15. November 2003, 10:33:17
In case you have not noticed. Everyone has been given a clear slate at ths point in time. Dano was warned about his posts, which were unwarranted, and now he is gone.

He keeps making mention of manipulated posts. I am not sure what he means by that. I occasionally make typo corrections or punctuation changes at the tournament board, if this is manipulation, so be it.

Yes, I posted that I would help everyone playing Dano in Gothic Chess to win. I was letting off steam, but I really meant it when I said it. Logistically, does anyone really believe this was possible? In fact, nobody took me up on my offer, as those who were members of the fellowship recall. They all wanted to try and give him a drubbing by their own hands, win, lose, or draw.

I posted it mostly because I knew it would agitate dano when it leaked, so the spies helped me immensely, and I thank you for it.

It was an impossible task to do (play every move for every opponent against dano) but knowing the way his paranoia is manifest, I knew it would send him over the deep end.

So what had I actually done?

I made a post, then took no action on it. How many times a day do we each do similar things? You see a beautiful woman walking down the street, do you think "I wonder if she likes doing Crossword Puzzles?" If you see an armored car making a cash pickup at a store, do you think "I wonder what kind of gas mileage it gets?"

No, we have fleeting thoughts about getting her in the sack, and tossing bags of money into the back seat and peeling off down the road. (Or maybe peeling off down the road with the girl in the back seat, and sleeping with the bags of money, whatever you prefer!)

The point being my previous fellowship was created for those to let off steam about dano, much as this one is most likely geared at letting steam off about me.

But does anyone really think I crashed the server just so dano, who won his section in the $3000 Gothic tournament, would not be able to continue on? Did he really think I was making all of those moves against him and he kept beating me game after game?

Folks, you have to face the fact that he was at least a little off his rocker. If nothing else, this must be conceeded.

The server crashed. That's all that happened.

A new policy is in place. It is one we can all live with. When I make a post about how the 4 kings in the deck of cards are not really modeled after those in antiquity that have permeated the culture, then someone calls me a prick for doing so, a line has been crossed. It was uncalled for.

Even now, I could of had this person banned, but I elected not to do so.

No more warnings will ever be issued, as the policy is any direct insult, in a private or public forum, will result in an immediate banning.

If it cannot be discussed without name calling, do us all a favor, and save yourself some keystrokes.

If you have read the hidden message I placed in this post, you know which 4 people will be banned next because they will most likely make snide remarks about this post. This is what I am hoping for. This is the bait.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up
in the first place!
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just
"chunky
dunk".
3. The early bird still has to eat worms.
4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the difference.
6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you
haven't
fallen asleep yet.
8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's
what
he said.
9. Just remember.....if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but
they
can in prison?
11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with something called labor!
12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Good one cole

LMAO@Dano

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were
walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says,

"Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where ?!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? MR. ERNEST HEMMINGWAY.."To die. In the rain. Alone"...GEORGE W. BUSH.."We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here."....COLIN POWELL.."Now at the left of the sereen, you clearly see the satelite image of the chicken crossing the road."...AL GORE.."I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people".... KARL MARX.."It was an historical inevitabilty.".. FOX MULDER.."You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?"...SIGMUND FREUD.."The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insercurity....."COLONEL SANDERS..."I missed one?"

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

i for one love all the jokes and funny stories at lunch each day my friends and i take it in turn to tell a joke , thanks to this board i have a new one each day which make us all smile until we have to go home , so thanks everyone for brighting up my days

That was a good yet old jike i heard somewhere before. Sorry no one lse liked chattys joke

This was a long time ago, when my daughter was 3 yrs' old. I was reading a book, very engrossed, when I heard a thump come from my daughters room, useing 'Mom Radar', I didn't sense or hear anything to alert me to Heather being in any danger. So engrossed in the book I was reading, I didn't hear my door open until out of the corner of my eye I could see her bent over, holding her knee with her little hand, and moaning, "Oh my God, Mom...Oh my God". I'm thinking 'What the Heck?' When I put the book down and see BLOOD streaming down her little leg. she had knocked off a very large scab, and the bleeding was amazeing for such a small child. I screamed "Oh My God!", and she looked at me and said, "See!... Oh my God Mom".

This is true, cos we all know the Britts have a better sense of humour, and its not always understood on the other side of the pond LMAO

Well said Chatty.. what is humor to some, isn't always humor to others.. we all should remember that. Thanks for the wisdom.. ;)

Pedro maybe only to you it is sad, to most who read it they get a chuckle.

I didn't say I didn't like it...I DID!!! But it's too sad to be a joke!!! ;)

Well I handed MY resignation in!! (But I'm keeping the car keys... it comes in handy! LOL)

sorry you do not like what i post pedro.. but surely we all have a different sense of humour...
what one enjoys another doesn't!.. that is a fact of life!!!

The "joke" posted by chattytea doesn't seem to me as a joke...;]

Pedro your point is?

Damn, this is supposed to be a "Jokes" board!!!

<> MY RESIGNATION
>
> I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as
> an adult.
> I have decided I would like to accept the
> responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
>
> I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a
> four star restaurant.
>
> I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
> make a sidewalk with rocks.
>
> I want to think M&Ms are better than money because
> you can eat them.
>
> I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a
> lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's
> day.
>
> I want to return to a time when life was simple,
> when all you knew were colours, multiplication
> tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
> you, because you didn't know what you didn't know
> and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy
> because you were blissfully unaware of all the
> things that should make you worried or upset.
>
> I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
> honest and good. I want to believe that anything is
> possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities
> of life and be overly excited by the little things
> again.
>
> I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to
> consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
> depressing news, how to survive more days in the
> month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills,
> gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
>
> I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a
> kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the
> imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
>
> So . . . here's my chequebook and my car keys, my
> credit card bills I am officially resigning from
> adulthood.
>
> And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have
> to catch me first, cause........
>
> ........"Tag! You're it."
> Pass this to someone and brighten their day by
> helping them remember
> the Simple things in Life.
>
> ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
>
> Hope Ya'll join me !

ut oh.....

Don't worry the pom's won't be laughing after they lose to france.

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However,when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs. Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "Hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
"Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

This is what us Aussies have to put up with coming out from England!!! :)))

LOL

ugh LOL

A baby boy was born to a couple who waited 20 yrs. into their marrage to finally conceive..But the boy was born without a body..sadly he only had a head..But the couple vowed Bobby would have the best life possible...He grew up happy...The day came for his first day at school..He was so excited that when he awoke he BOUNCED out of bed, rolled down to the breakfast table, slurped up all his breakfast, jumped up to give both beaming and proud parents a smooch and rolled to the bus stop to wait with all of his friends for the school bus AND THERE SHE WAS! The cute little red headed girl that had just moved into the neighborhood..One look and Bobby was in love...so he rolled up to her and confessed his feelings for her..The cute little red headed girl, haveing not been raised around Bobby, like his friends had, was at a lost for words, but managed to reply to him, "The only way I could love you...er...is if you were a grape!"...That night Bobby prayed like he had never prayed before, not asking for a body, not asking for gold to buy a body, just asking to become a grape so that the cute little red headed girl would love him. Lo and BEHOLD the next morning he awoke to find his prayers had been anwsered...HE WAS A GRAPE!!! He rolled out of bed, didn't even stop for breakfast, and rolled to the bus stop anxiously skittering back and forth till she finally arrived.." Look cute little red headed girl! I'm a grape! Now you can love me!" The cute little red headed girl looked at Bobby, picked him up and said, " You're so stupid" She then droped kicked Bobby into the street, where he was squashed by the school bus....The moral of the story?...He should have quit while he was a head.

<Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
>
>Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
>repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
>
>Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
>you a check.
>
>Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.
>He won't bother you.
>
>But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
>talk to my parrot!"
>
>"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
>
>When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following
>day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has
>ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on
>the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
>
>The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
>incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
>
>Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
>yelled,
>
>"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,
>
>"Get him, Spike!"

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"


The cabdriver hit a parked car...

OMG!!! Hahahahaha.. oh that is bad!! LMCAO!!

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks....
"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"And my dearest, Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!" she exclaimed.

lol @ chatty, oh weevils, great :-)

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two
dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,
"I'm sorry,
Gentlemen. Only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in
the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. There were two Eskimos sitting in a kayak. They
were cold so they
lit a fire, and the craft sank. It only proved, once
again, that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides
up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man
who shot my
paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they
moved
off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an
open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a
family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to
close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with
his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him... what?
Answer: A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten
different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

<> Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's
> wife went into labor
> > in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
> called out to perform the
> > Delivery. Since there was no electricity, the
> doctor handed the
> > Father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold
> this high so I can see
> > what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought
> into the world.
> >
> > "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a
> rush to put that
> > lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
> Sure enough, within
> > minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
> >
> > "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's
> another one!" said the
> > doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a
> third baby.
> >
> > "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern,
> it seems there's yet
> > another one coming!" cried the doctor.
> >
> > The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment,
> and asked the doctor,
> > "You reckon it might be the light that's
> attractin' em?

What happens at these Fahrenheit temperatures:

+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably.     Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 - Italian cars don't start.
+32 - Water freezes.
+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City   water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.
+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 - American cars don't start.
    0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians     actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your  trip South.
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.