Halloween Two-Liners



Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.

How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W".

How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and
divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.

What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."

What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.

What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.

What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.

What do you say to a 2-headed monster?
Hello, hello.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out.

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.

What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.

What is a zombie's favorite dessert?
Ladyfingers.

What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!

What is a ghost's favorite food?
Boo-loney sandwich.

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!

What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root.

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.

What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.

What's a mummy's favorite music?
Ragtime.

What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!

What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.

What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!

Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.

Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie.

Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.

Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.

Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.

Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!

Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.