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 Jokes

A place to share jokes, funny stories, and to just laugh in general :-)



Please remember this board can be (and is) accessed by children.
All jokes should be family friendly.
No profanity
No jokes of a sexual nature

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15. September 2003, 05:27:00
DainBread 
Subject: Thingy
2 4 year old cousins were spending the night together at a family reunion. Their mom's decdided it was time for them to take their bath for the night and soon they were splashing amidst the soap bubbles in the tub. As they got out and were being dried off the little girl looked at her cousin and asked, "What's that"? The young boy replied, "That's my thingy." "Oh my" she said, "Can I touch it?" "No way" said he. "Why not?" "Because you already broke yours off."

15. September 2003, 05:26:44
danoschek 
Subject: Re: Another Adam And Eve Joke
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden
feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
"What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was
going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."

God said,
"This person will cook for you and wash your clothes,
she will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will
not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was
wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have
a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history ...
.

15. September 2003, 05:10:06
Grim Reaper 
Subject: Another Adam And Eve Joke
Adam noticed something on his body that was different than Eve's. In fact, he noticed it had this interesting dynamic property as well, under the right circumstances. One day, Eve was sauntering by him quite sexily, Adam saw her...then he held up his arm in a protective manner and said:

"Stay back Eve! I am not sure yet how big this thing will get!"

15. September 2003, 04:43:51
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re: Adam and Eve Trivia
OH MY LOL

15. September 2003, 03:57:45
danoschek 
Subject: Adam and Eve Trivia
Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to
see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.

"Who was the first man ?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter."

Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live ?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter."

Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, it's you ! I'll have to give you a hard one.
What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time ?"

"Mmm, that is a hard one."

"Enter."

'

15. September 2003, 03:53:40
Stardust 
Subject: Re:unbeatable's joke
Perhaps the ladies whom you 'believe' didn't get it were just being polite so as not to injure the male pride that is the most sensitive of all earthly things!! ;-) LOL
FYI...I saw it coming down the road before the first knock! LOL

15. September 2003, 03:30:55
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re:
lol honey....your right just exactly 20 seconds :)

15. September 2003, 03:24:58
ScarletRose 
Subject: Re:
You got me on that one!! and yes.. it is a good joke.. lol

15. September 2003, 03:07:41
Usurper 
Subject: Re:
lol. i get it unbeatable. so did the ladies...for almost 20 seconds.

15. September 2003, 02:51:40
unbeatableking 
Subject: Re:
the joke was: will u remember me in 20 secs, then thay said yes, then i said knock,knock then i said hey u already forgot me! did u get the joke?

15. September 2003, 02:41:52
Princess Kammy 
no i believe they answered saying who's there to your "knock knock".....we waiting for the rest

15. September 2003, 02:39:10
unbeatableking 
Subject: Re: Best way to get a man to do something,
hey u already forgot me!

15. September 2003, 01:09:30
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re: Princess Kam's
:) thank you honey that just tickled me so much had to get it on here :)

15. September 2003, 01:01:01
Usurper 
Subject: Princess Kam's "Ladies vs. Real Women"
Heres something I thought you may like. You'll be able to share this with your more conservative friends.

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while
it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it
will absorb the excess salt for an instant
"fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are
cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me,
The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat
it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

**********************

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in
half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will
go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with
tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the
headache, but who cares?

**********************

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom
of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of
the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on
the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

**********************

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an
apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep
it in the pantry for up to a year.

**********************

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the
baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
and there won't be any white mess on the inside of
the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll
even decorate it for you.

***********************

Ladies - Brush some
beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do
it.

************************

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try
using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip
grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women - Go
ask the cute neighbor guy to do it.

************************

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

15. September 2003, 00:34:18
ScarletRose 
Subject: Re: Best way to get a man to do something,
Who's there??

14. September 2003, 20:48:14
unbeatableking 
Subject: Re: Best way to get a man to do something,
knock knock

14. September 2003, 20:10:05
ScarletRose 
Subject: Re: Best way to get a man to do something,
perhaps.. why?

14. September 2003, 19:27:56
unbeatableking 
Subject: Re: Best way to get a man to do something,
hey scarletrose i have another one: will u remember me in 20 seconds?

14. September 2003, 19:15:38
ScarletRose 
Subject: Re: Best way to get a man to do something,
hahahaha

OMG

ANd yes unbeatableking I liked your batman joke as well.. ;)

14. September 2003, 18:56:27
unbeatableking 
Subject: danoschek
yo guy do u like my batman joke?

14. September 2003, 18:03:28
danoschek 
Subject: Re: Best way to get a man to do something,
oh whooo hooo booo !

and why have women's butts higher an amount of mass than their skulls ?
prevents them from falling over into the keyboard while typing messages ... :D ~*~

14. September 2003, 17:42:37
unbeatableking 
Subject: batman joke
how come nobody likes my batman joke i'll say it again: why did batman cross his legs? because he had to go to the batroom!

14. September 2003, 17:36:42
ScarletRose 
Subject: Best way to get a man to do something,
is to suggest he is too old for it.

14. September 2003, 17:35:30
ScarletRose 
Subject: What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out?
You shut the door.

14. September 2003, 17:34:49
ScarletRose 
Subject: If they put a man on the moon
- they should be able to put them all up
there.

14. September 2003, 01:56:17
Purple 
Subject: Re: Why Johnny Couldn't Add
LOL. Outstanding

14. September 2003, 01:54:43
Badinage 
LMAO

14. September 2003, 01:53:06
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re: Why Johnny Couldn't Add
lol poor johnny

14. September 2003, 01:49:25
Grim Reaper 
Subject: Why Johnny Couldn't Add
A father was reviewing his son's report card one evening, and was distraught. His boy had all A's except for math, which he failed. He met with his teacher, then the principal, then after more follow up meetings, he decided to put the boy in a private school. Months passed, his report card arrived, and the same results appeared: All A's, but a failure in Math. The private school cost so much money, the father took him out of this school, and sent him to a very good school uptown. Again, the boy failed math, but had A's in everything else. Finally, he sent the boy off to a local Catholic School. When the first report card arrived, the father looked at it with just one eye open, holding his breath. Then he saw his son had all A's, including math! He said to his son: "Tell me, how were you able to do so well in math in this new school?" The boy turned white as a ghost when his father asked him the question. "Well, on the very first day of school, I walked into the hall and saw this guy nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they did not mess around!"

14. September 2003, 01:45:51
Princess Kammy 
Subject: Re: Why Nagging a Man Doesn’t Work
LOL

14. September 2003, 01:44:25
Paula33 
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him

14. September 2003, 01:42:57
danoschek 
Subject: Why Nagging a Man Doesn’t Work
What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C’mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes to wear,
if we don’t do laundry right now!


What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

14. September 2003, 01:41:29
Princess Kammy 
lol need i say more?

14. September 2003, 01:40:22
Badinage 
hehe who me? :)

14. September 2003, 01:38:28
Princess Kammy 
lol Aragon prolly cuz you set him up eh?

14. September 2003, 01:31:57
Badinage 
I was there O'Flaherty was set-up!

14. September 2003, 01:28:54
Paula33 
Subject: From Enterprise Times, brockton, Massachusetts
"One of Colorado's oldest citizens and a resident of Walsenburg for about a century died here yesterday. mrs Quintina was 104 years old at the time of her death, her grandmother said."

14. September 2003, 01:06:45
Paula33 
Subject: From County louth (Eire) newspaper
The court was told that soon after the party came into Maloney's Bar, Milligan spat at O'Flaherty and called him "a stinkingUlsterman".
O'Flaherty punched Milligan, and Rourke hit him with a bottle.
Milligan kicked O'Flaherty in the groin and threw a pint of beer in Rourkes face. This led to ill feeling and they began to fight.

14. September 2003, 01:01:35
Paula33 
Subject: From Manchester Evening News
He pushed what looked like the barrel of a gun into my chest and told me he was going to blow my brains out.

14. September 2003, 00:57:56
Paula33 
Subject: From Larry Glick of WBZ News, Boston, Massachusetts
"Well the streakers are at it again, this time at a local football game just outside of Boston. I can't figure out this type of behaviour- I guess they just want to show us they're nuts."

13. September 2003, 23:31:24
runningwolf 
Subject: The Blonde
What do you call a blonde behind a steering Wheel??
Airbag !!

13. September 2003, 23:25:01
Badinage 
I doub't it, the 19th is the longest hole LOL

13. September 2003, 23:23:30
Andersp 
Darren Clarke said that he and Lee Westwood should have a fun loooooooong day together after they had won one tourney each, wonder if that day has ended yet? :)

13. September 2003, 23:18:32
Badinage 
For that Steve you almost be an honorary Irish man!! LOL

13. September 2003, 23:17:35
Stevie 
the only good thing about closing time, is a lanlord who likes lock-ins :o)

13. September 2003, 23:13:16
Princess Kammy 
lol sure there is...watching all the people crawling out the door after getting smashed lol

13. September 2003, 23:09:34
Badinage 
Subject: Re: A short...and clean...bar joke
There is NOTHING funny about closing time :(

hehe

13. September 2003, 22:59:00
Princess Kammy 
lol hey wait a minute lol....i have been both blonde and brunette..(gulp) what does that make me lol

13. September 2003, 22:57:37
runningwolf 
Subject: The Brunette
What do you Call a Brunette standing between two blondes??
Interputer!!!

13. September 2003, 22:52:02
harley 
Subject: A short...and clean...bar joke
Andersp, I bet Aragon will like that one... if he ever gets out of the bar!! ROFL!

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