~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The
cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time
with his cymbal clash.

The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect
and that he wouldn't play it as written.

The Music Director told him he either had to play the piece as written,
or he would be kicked off the band. The young man refused, and the
Music Director had no choice but to kick him off the band.

Late, the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he had kicked
the young musician off the band.

He replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear Valued Customer.....

Due to dramatic increases in our overhead costs, we are obliged to
charge you for our general support services from this point forward.

Our new price list is as follows:

Simple answers $ 3.00

Answers which need some thought $ 7.00

Honest answers $ 12.00

And, for services we find ourselves performing even more frequently:

Answers to dumb and unnecessary questions $ 20.00

We cannot keep our standard reactions free any longer:

Shrug $ 1.00

Look dumb $ 2.00

Look very dumb $ 5.00

Get the boss $ 15.00

The one price that remains unchanged:

Ignore you completely - Free



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

In a department store, a difficult customer and a
patient clerk were having a hard time getting
together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable.

Finally, the finicky shopper said in annoyance, "Can't
you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"

"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you
coming and disappeared."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You're in charge of the cooking around here and you
should do it, because that's your job. I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it's in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."

The husband replied, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she grabbed her Bible, and opened to the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed said:
~~~

~~~ ~~~~~

HEBREWS ~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing.
They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we
found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmellows on them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Kinda Marine...
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by
a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper
tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try
to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the
seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps
uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine
leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the
boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his
seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words
you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's
wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they
entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I
choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight..!